Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Adventure is out there

Adventure is out there, I tell myself as I step into solidly cold wind 
wee hours of the morning, not enough coffee and a heavy suitcase.
Light heart. Anticipatory, open brain.
Adventure is out there, I say, as I leave my bag with the man and his cart, up the steps into the cylindrical tube that will be hurtling me through the air 600 miles every hour
6 miles up there.
6 miles. I can't even run that far.
I am a fifth of a century old and I have never flown in an airplane. 
I'm beginning to hate the Wright brothers. What is wrong with horse and carriage?
What is wrong with car? Train? Roller skating? Land travel is SO MUCH SAFER. 
But no. Onto the plane. Into my seat.
Seatbelt, even though we won't be leaving the ground for another twenty minutes.
Breath. Adventure is out there
The words chasing my terror around my head,
Children in a game of tag.
Terror? ...pretty sure that's what that is.

Adventure is out there
Black dawn yawning hungrily at me through tiny window.
Adventure is out there
Taxiing down the runway
Adventure is out there 
Engine noise overpowers all other senses until it is all I know.
Adventure is out there
Heart and stomach switching places with my esophagus and 
Tongue turning to sandpaper
Adventure is out there
Lights flicker
Adventure is out there
Plane begins to tilt
Wheels begin to lift
I think for a moment that there is no way that we will not crash, tail over wings
27 casualties, 48 wounded, remainder of passengers and crew in critical condition
Adventure is out there
Mocking me from its seat belted position in my brain
Adventure is out there
Wheels lift off the ground and 
Adventure is out there, in the air:

Two airports later (one landing, one takeoff, one landing later - let's face it: the landings feel like roller coaster rides gone wrong) - we have arrived on time.
We have arrived alive,
We have nurtured my traveling soul we have located our taxi and obtained coffee
We have moved forward in control
Confident travelers.

Our bus fills with smoke.
Nothing to do.
Gauges fine, gas fine, heaters and airconditioning fine
Everything is fine
And yet I can trail my hand through the sunshine lit fumes that swirl plentifully.
We open windows.
We wait, amid flying hair and silent mouths, surrounded by strangers.
We arrive at the hotel, 
70s style has gold light fixtures. 

Before I sleep, before my father wakes me with his dead-raising snore,
Before I cleanse myself of the dirt of travel.
I am haunted, greeted, wrapped in a thought:
Adventure is out there.
But adventure is not always without trouble. Adventure is not always pure. Adventure is not always what we think it will be. Adventure will trick us - 
For that is the essence of adventure: to not know, yet plunge in. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

versus: 2016: factual

sometimes i think the years are at war with one another.

this will be my year i think as i barrel into 2016.
but really, last year was my year too.
it was a stormy year, yes.
if i were a ship, my hull would have holes, 
and my mast would be missing
and there would be tears and 
repairs needed everywhere.

but it was still a year. 
and one that i learned a lot in.
one that i had favorites in.
and if i did compare them.
if the two did go to war.
i would see that both had merits
and the war would end up being a duel
and the duel would end up being a miss on both ends.
neither would die.
because both were equally valuable.

of the year. what happened?
how did i get to this place
with these things
in this time
with these people

how did i become who i am right now
and what person does that steer me towards becoming.

Wake Me Up - Avicci

"What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."
"The town was paper, but the memories were not."
- Paper Towns, John Green

"One of the drawbacks about adventures is that when you come to the most beautiful places
you are often too anxious and hurried to appreciate them."
- The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis

lessons learned:
people are meant to be loved, experiences learned from, and issues dealt with. but those don't define me. none of those make me who i am. that essence of myself is bottled up inside me.
i am my own source.
you will never regret being kind.
the world is sometimes a mirror. and sometimes you are a mirror. and you have to figure out which one is which, and which one is right.

important dates:
September 27, 2015: I got baptized! (The river was cold. AH.)
August 14, 2015: Baby Niece Eliza Marie is born!!
aaand sometime in December I applied for a midwifery school. still waiting to hear whether i've been accepted...but i'm super excited!

train trip (i love to travel. period, end of story.)

down lows: 
bad things happen in life. Basically the last half of 2015 sucked. The worst part is that even though we're pulling through, things are never the same as they once were. and, i mean, life is about change. and i get that. but sometimes i just want things to be like when i was 6 years old and my biggest worry is if i'd picked up enough books at the library. that'd be good.

new things: 
possibly going to midwifery school
we got kittens
i am making a goal to fully absorb and apply lessons i learn. even the little stuff.
(first one of 2016 is "The first words out of my mouth should be lovely ones.")

continuing things:
i feel like 2015 and 2016 are sort of mashed together (which is really bugging me because i like my years to be separate.) so i guess you could say that this "section" of my life is continuing.
piano. (duh.) writing/blogging. (also duh.) exercise. (did i ever even start?) love for travel. (i plan to do A LOT more of that this year.)

immersion: noun; deep mental involvement; 
baptism by immersing a person bodily (but not necessarily completely) in water.   
Origin: late 15th century: from late Latin immersio(n-), from immergere ‘dip into’. 

things i'll never do again:
a Hamilton Playhouse Production (not because i don't love them, because i do. but #stress #ilikemylipswithoutcoldsores #justno #sorry). I love theatre. i just don't love being almost solely responsible for the background music.
train travel. because as much as i love travel, by train is just not the best. there's a post about that.

"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him." 2 Corinthians 5:6-9

So YAY for 2016. may it be filled with lessons, and quotes, and good moments. may it shine, may it be worth it. may we learn much and be full and fill others. may 2016 be good. may 2016 be a year of peace, not war. may we be peace-lovers, smoothing over the rocky spots in our paths, helping others over the obstacles of life. may we be nice. may we be lovely. may we be. 

Monday, January 4, 2016

music dances

(credit for this glorious peice of art goes to Kelaiah Horat...check out her stuff here.)

i am convinced that music is
wispy fragrant noise
slipping in through the minds door-lock
to dance with the soul

sometimes huddled in a grieving sway
sometimes wrapped in white and crowned with flowers pirouetting around our hearts
sometimes tempting us into a jig

and if we truly love the music
then nothing we do
can stop the dance

that is music
its irresistible tide.


here's to dancing through 2016. enjoy it, people.