UPDATE: College is coming. Or actually, i am going.
*panic mode activated*
but really, i'm actually excited. Because i want to be a midwife.
Don't ask me how i came to this...thing. (i don't even know what to call it. Decision? Conclusion? crossroad? result?)
(okay let's stick with thing.)
But i did. it was kinda one of those
missions + job + too much call the midwife + a super cool school
= now i'm going to a midwifery faith-based trade school in the fall of 2016.


I know, its totally weird consider what i wrote this spring (see below). But the coolest thing about all this is the fact that i have gone from point a to point b and its not a bad thing. growth and movement is normal and healthy, and i'm learning that more and more.

ex: sedimentary rock + pressure + time = diamonds

that doesn't make sense either. honestly, if rock could think, and it was stuck in the earth's crust, it was probably bemoaning the fact that it was going to be stuck there for an undetermined period of time. but the pressure became greater, and over time (a much shorter period than originally expected) the diamonds started forming. they got pushed out, and then drawn further up towards the surface.

if the rock could look back and see how far it had come, it wouldn't have belived it. no way. there's no way that actually happened. there's no way i turned into diamonds. there's no way i came that far.

ex: oyster + grain of sand + time = pearl

the oyster had somehow mistakenly gotten something shoved in its mouth. an uncomfortable something. it hurt and it pushed and it was making life miserable. the oyster had only one option since no amount of tongue-pushing and -wriggling would budge the stubborn grain of sand. the oyster slowing began to coat the horrible little sand grain with the good things. bits of sunsets and ocean blue, the silky silt from the ocean floor, a joke from the shrimp that lived across the way, and even a small bit of seaweed that just happened to be a very pretty shade of green. and soon, the grain of sand was no longer so uncomfortable. soon, the grain of sand turned into a pearl. a beautiful pearl that the oyster was rather fond of.

the rock is me. the oyster is me. i'm sitting here going i thought i was going to be in this spot forever. there's no way that this urge to do missions is going to turn into something that i can actually use. but somehow i'm not in that place anymore. somehow i have created - or started creating - a pearl. somehow God put a little pressure on my soul, and somehow he put an uncomfortable feeling in my chest, and now - oh now - 

now i'm ready. or almost ready. i've gradually got my bearings. i've figured out more than just the general direction i want to go. i'm moving forward, upwards towards the surface. i've coated the grain of sand enough that know i know what i have to do.

i have to keep coating. i have to keep struggling upwards.

maybe the pressure won't release completely. maybe another grain of sand will show up.

but when it does, i guess that will mean that i'll be ready for it.


My story is a mixture good and bad, secrets and news flashes, highs and lows. It's a lot like other people's stories. Perhaps it's like yours?
My life was perfect. I got great grades in school. I could play piano well. I had a dog, and a family that loved me even when I was very unlovable. I loved to read and learn. I was so blessed. And then, three months until I graduated from high school, God placed such a hungering inside my heart that I couldn't even study for the psychology exam.
Let me explain:
Other kids get out of high school and their lives look like this.

  1. Go to college
  2. Graduate college
  3. Get married (2 and 3 can be interchanged)
  4. Have kids
  5. Get a dog - and a new car
  6. Buy a house
  7. Live happily ever after.
My life doesn't look like that. Believe me, I would love  to go to college. I love learning. I love the challenge of new experiences. But college isn't in my life. Maybe a few night classes on the side...but full time is not in the picture.
I know. This blows your mind. Not go to college? Not go to COLLEGE?!

Before you have a heart attack, let me explain.
God told me to do this. I'm not supposed to go. He wants me somewhere else.
He wants me to do whatever he wants me to do. In this case, it's missions.
During my junior year of high school, I wanted to go to college. I started looking at schools, calculating costs of living, comparing tuitions, and deciding what degree I was going to go into. When my SAT score came in, it wasn't high enough to get me enough scholarships and grants and awards to go.
A little voice in my head said: don't get into debt.(Yes, I have taken a Dave Ramsey class.)
So don't get into debt? I guess college is out then. I can work on the side, take a night class every semester, save up money, get a life.
There was no plan after that.
I was a little disappointed. I didn't really want to be one of those people who is doing the same job for 60 years straight, but that's what it was gonna be.
And then, a small voice - while I wasn't listening - put a word in the very back of my brain. Missions. And while driving home from a piano lesson, I stumbled across that word. I was a little shocked. I didn't know what to do with that eight-letter word. I was a shy, stand-off-ish, very reserved teenage girl with a romantic streak, a sever case of introvertism,  and bookworm tendencies. But the word stayed.
And it gradually moved up the list, knocking one option after another off, until it was at the top. And even then, it was still on the options list.
One night, after talking with a friend who was living the American dream (see list above), I broke. I told God that I wanted so desperately wanted to go to college, but he was going to have to work a miracle to make it happen.
I was standing in our front yard. It was night, windy, and a little cloudy, although the light from the moon and the house was enough to ruin the mood.
 "I have something better for you, Sami". That's what he said.
And the missions idea went from an option to being the plan.
I'm not going to college. Let's just get that straight right now.  I'm not going to college - I'm going into missions. Long-term, short-term, overseas or home - I'm really not sure. But I will do it. Because that's what he wants me to do.
My story is different from everyone else. I'm don't have a defined "plan" that comes with a how-to manual. but I have God, and he happens to hold the pen that will write my story. And I'm cool with that.


  1. SAMI THIS IS BEAUTIFUL. I think you have an astoundingly discerning spirit and Jesus will always show you the way -- but always remember that he lives inside of us and what gives us true fulfillment, love, and light gives him the same. :) OKAY SO IT JUST REALLY INSPIRES ME to read things like this -- seeing that other kids change their minds about things and feel called to one thing, but then end up going for a variation of that thing...not knowing your entire life plan from go. THAT IS REALLY INSPIRING. <3 so thank you *hugs*

    lots of love,

    1. ABBIEEEEE HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS UNTIL NOW???? AAH SO SORRY. but thank you for your kind and encouraging words :) :) they make my heart happy <3 <3 <3

  2. A midwife! You are unlike so many people our age. Your plan seems pretty well put together! You'll do great things.

    1. :) :) YES EXCEPT NO. ha. my plan is anything BUT put together. i'm just willing to go where God wants me! He's the one with the map and the details and basically everything that would help calm me down! (this is seriously the most terrifying thing i've ever done!)