Tuesday, November 1, 2016

who's who

Hi guys. This one's kind of...well...ugly. Its one of those things where you feel something deeply, and in this case its a struggle between being good, and light, and helpful, and sweet, or giving into my flesh and being the nasty, selfish, hard, broken person that would be so much easier to be. Both people can feel like shells, like masks, but other days they can feel like the most natural thing in the world, second skins, each one separate...or maybe not. Sometimes they meld and its a mess. How do i choose between the two? How do i make them separate? How do i stay in one character so that my mind doesn't go crazy from the back and forth?

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

you're so sweet.
what an angel.
thanks for your help.

your mother taught you well.
what a wonderful friend.
what a wonderful person.
you always have a smile on your face.

thanks for listening.
thanks for being you.

why can't you be more like her.
why can't you try harder.
why did you do that?
why are you so mean?

oh, i'm sorry.
you don't seem to be doing well.
you should really see someone for this.

that's so nice of you!
hmm, (with a smile,) thanks so much!
(i only do it so i can sleep at night.)

you're a good freind too (although you don't really know me. you don't know anything about me.)
i'm only this way because of Him.
its been a good day.
(but get me out of here. i need food and sleep and quiet.)

you needed someone to listen...could i do anything else? (like i said...so i can sleep at night.)
i'm the only one who could be me. and i'm not good at being anyone else.

because i'm not perfect.
because i can't. i'm stuck.
i don't know.
i don't know. i wasn't thinking.

don't be. its life.
i'm fine. there's nothing to do.
i'm fine. i'm fine.
i know. i am.
i don't need to. i don't want to.
i'm fine.

somehow, we're both fine. but we're not. 
somehow, we're both acting, and we suck at it. 
somehow, someday. some way.
things will change. 
but i don't see it. 
it's over three or four horizons, around 
five or six bends, over
a mountain range or two.
i'd say that reality is a long ways away.
except that we're in it. 
in it, and drowning. 
two bodies that should really be one 
and i'm thinking that i'll always be cut in half
and no one will see it except me.
because i'm the one that has to leave half of me behind every day.


  1. This was beautiful, raw and real <3 thank you!

  2. yessssssssssss.


  3. This was real, dude. It's sacred ground, sharing your struggles and your fights inside your head. I struggle with the whiplash life has been throwing at me lately. Like one minute everything feels so RIGHT and at PEACE and then the next minute it all dissolves and you're crashing again. It's so encouraging to hear your words. The way you write is so non fluff and real and down to the bone. I love that SO MUCH about your writing, it always hits home in such real ways, Sami.

    1. thanks Kate :) thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences...<3

  4. That was beautiful, it was so real, meaningful, and touching. I haven't ever seen a writing style like yours. Your writing is so unique, beautiful, thought provoking, and relatable, all at the same time. WOW.
    -Jollygirl @ https://reflectionsofajollygirl.blogspot.com

    1. thank you thank you THANK YOU!! this is sooooo encouraging! your words mean so much <3 :)

  5. Oh my gosh, this is SO CRAZY THOUGHT-PROVOKING WOW.

    Sami, you leave me in awe.

    1. Thanks Grace Anne! i love all your comments :) <3