I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

Before we get into this: a couple of things.

1. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TOMORROWWWWWW.......#WEARELOUDER AND IZZA GON BE EPIIIC.
2. Because I am going through some major life changes...you know, COLLEGE and MOVING and LIFE WHAAT, I don't know how much I will be able to post on this blog. I'm crying about that, seriously. I am addicted to blogging. So for the new chapter, I'm going to do it as much as I can, but I make no promises on how often. :( *sobs inconsolably*
3. In the works but still: it's time for a revamp. This blog - I love the look, the vibe, etc., but sometimes old parts of life need new coats of paint. (FYI I almost typed "paint" as "pain" like, nooOOO lets keep pain to a minimum please lol.) I'm thinking peachy colors and cute goldfish. Either that or pastel greens and cacti....THOUGHTS? (Seriously please comment. I love you're comments. They show up in my inbox and I'm like, everyone loves me this is great.)

OKAY I'm done --- TO THE POST.

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Let's face it:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

HA.

I mean, I'm moving to a completely different town in seven days.

I'm going to be learning a trade that, YES I want to be in, but I have NO experience with whatsoever. (It would have been beneficial to have seen a birth and know that I can actually do what I'm doing.)

After three months, I'm moving to YET ANOTHER completely different town that I have never been to AND I'M LIVING THERE FOR A YEAR. (Although this one, how bad can it be, I'm only 50 miles from the ocean. #WIN)

Back to the point EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN DID MY LIFE BECOME AN EXPERIMENT IN HOW MUCH STRESS I'M ABLE TO HANDLE.

I mean come on SADDJLKDFFIOEPUIOUSE K K K K K I'M FINE I SWEAR BUT WHYYYYYYYY.

I'm freaking out. My mom is freaking out. My sisters and dad are freaking out (they don't show it. Nice one, guys). My dog is freaking out (she doesn't know details but she's smart. She's catching on.) My best friend would be freaking out but she has her own worries. I think the worship team is freaking out, but to be honest, in the year and a half that I've played with them I still haven't figured out when they're joking or not.

The stress level is about HERE.

Ya know?

And within this washing machine of emotion and chaos and fingernails-digging-into-the-walls-so-as-to-slow-my-departure....I have incredible peace. I'm doing what God wants me to do. Everything's cool. (Which is super weird because I go from lghjlsdlsdlksGRAAAAARG to oh hey cool bro in about 8.9 seconds. I am THE emotional roller coaster.)

So what I have another 150 meals to make before I leave. So what I don't have housing for when I move in January. So what I don't even know if I'll like midwifery. So what I'm essentially getting up and walking out the door of my previous life and rebuilding it in an unknown location with unknown materials. SO WHAT.

It's ok. It's ok.

Life is an adventure. And I'm realizing more and more what exactly it's about:

Not finding true love. (that's simply a really awesome bonus)
Not being the best person.

Not being happy.

Life isn't a race.
Or a game.
Or a punishment.
Or a reward.
Or something that we do over and over and over
and have absolutely no control over.

We are ALIVE. We are living and breathing and we get to create our world and yeah, usually it's an experiment and a blank page and we have to face this every. single. day. But SO WHAAAAAT.

Do you know how amazing that is?

Like, ok I believe I believe that there is an optimal version of our life that God has given us an opportunity to find.

AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED ABOUT THIS?????

Let me say it another way:

College is not cheap. Even weird college like I'm going to. And yet somehow God has provided every step of the way. He gave me this really awesome job where I was able to sack away 3/4 of my paycheck every month. He made that money multiply. He gave me extra opportunities to house sit and clean and play piano and get paid for it. And I was freaking out about how I was going to make the money to pay for my second semester (first semester $$ came together pretty well) and now I'm looking at my account and guess what? I'M ALREADY HALF WAY THERE.

There's no way I did that.

He did.

I just, like, GAAAAAAHHH
GOD IS SO GOOD.
YA KNOW.
HE LOVES ME AND
HE'S GUIDING ME
AND I JUST CAN'T.

Like, if it's one thing God has shown me through this is that I am so not worthy, and yet I'm his. I'm his kid and he's going "do you trust me to jump into this? I promise that I will catch you and it will be beautiful".

I am overwhelmed. I am freaked out. I am stressed. I am excited. I am nervous. I am listening to sappy soundtrack music that makes me cry. I am terrified. GO READ ISAIAH 40. (Especially verses 11 and 31.)

*MIND. BLOWN.*

End of conversation.

So yeah - I guess what I'm trying to say in this caps-lock-emphasized, loooooong, I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing post....is that He has got you so much more than you realize. And we're talking about the star-breather, breath-giver, pathway-maker, all-knowing, bigger-than-the-universe, ever-present-ever-loving GOD that has got everything. under. control.

So I'm freaking out. And I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And that is totally, completely, underestimatedly and wonderfully good, because it is in those moments that I have no doubt that God is in control of my life, and that is WAAAAAAYYY better than me being in control of my life.

I'm actually glad that I have no idea what I'm doing. Weird. Awesome.

NOTE TO SELF: four

lend me your ears...or eyes. whatever.

hello lovelies -

so here's the deal. i went to norman, ok, right? and it was a wonderful trip. we did a lot of amazing stuff while i was there:

 - Milk tea with boba

 - College campus, libraries,  backpacks, and sore feet

 

- taking pictures with my iPad, so they're not anything special, unless subject was awesome then I did use my regular camera.

 - piano music in Beaird Lounge

 - the little stationary/journal/neat artsy stuff shop that was like, three blocks away from campus.

 - trying (and failing miserably) to food blog 

 - drinking water because dehydration is not fun.

 - LEARNING. (aka: an honors class in which I learned that one interpretation of government is that it harnesses the ambition, vanity, and ego of human nature, and pits it against itself. Ambition against ambition, ego against ego, want against want. I NEVER KNEW THIS and partially hated government for it. it always seemed like government was supposed to be above human nature. But when it is described like this is offers the idea that government uses human nature and it totally makes sense now.)

 - people watching and stereotyping, which I would normally protest against, but while on college campuses and in airports it's basically a sport.
 - takeout thai food (MOST FAVORITE EVER.)

 

- our own attempt at thai food - which was rice made with coconut milk, beans, and curry powder sprinkled over the top (it was really good.)

 - late nights that turn into study times that turn into music jam sessions with four female voices and a guitar and a ukulele that turn into wall-sits and planking (the roommates have accepted me as one of their own. I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.)
 - first time flying on a plane. which was awesome, and terrifying, and terribly liberating. (see?)
 - visiting my awesome friend who showed me all over campus and we got to talk about EVERYTHING. (Okay well maybe not everything but she really confirmed my suspicions: she's seriously the coolest person in OK right now.)
 - #pianohandsami and #travelbug...check out my instagram @saminuxoll.

this trip to Norman was what i would consider my first solo adventure (i've been on many trips with groups of people, aka my family, but this one i was on my own...for at least part of it.) (basically this was me.) and so i'm like, YAY NORMAN, but then i'm like, oh. home. and then i have to decide, and i end up with the conclusion that travel is wonderful and new things will always be lovely and visiting friends in their lives and worlds are usually wonderful things, but home will always be my world which is okay. because that's my world, and they have theirs. and we can visit each other. And maybe even I will get stuck in their world sometimes but that's okay. Good, healthy even. (Yeah I totally just quoted Flynn Rider. #bombdiggity)

SO THE TRIP WAS GREAT.
the thing is, while i was there i got an email from a previous professor of mine. he was the one that taught me to love writing. and he says "sami, i'm starting a creative writing course, and i know you're getting ready to go to midwifery school and you need to save money for that but i also know that you love to write so if you want you can audit this course" and i'm like "TOTALLY. COUNT ME IN!!" because i mean really: it's poetry and creative writing.
and so one of the assignments for the class was to write a memory and/or place using imagery and assertion, simile and metaphor, and make it live. so i get totally excited about this assignment and i end up writing about norman.  and then i realize that i love writing places into people, and that's how this poem about norman looked and i'm like:

I SHOULD BLOG THIS.

and so I'm writing and writing and I end up with this poem about how Norman was kind of a place-fling for me. don't get me wrong: i loved norman. its just that norman wasn't for me. it was flat and i'm a mountain kind of girl, and the museums were great but you can only go through so many museums before you get sick of them. so this poem is kind of how i feel about places, which is basically I LOVE new places but in the end i will always return to mountains. particularly MY mountains, to home. and so then I'm thinking about how i could try writing a lot of different places as people - the ocean where we've always gone, the cabin that we have in the woods, Arizona when we took that road trip, even downtown in my hometown and then by my house and the next thing I know I'm like:

I SHOULD BLOG THIS.

And so just a note:   i swear this first post about Norman is actually NOT how i feel about dating people. And the rest of these posts in the series are not how I feel about family or friendships or PEOPLE in general. It's just how I see places - how I relate to places and maybe even how my pen took over my brain for the length of the poem. 

This post: it's a bookmark: it's a colon: it's me saying BRACE YOURSELF because the series that's coming? If Places Were People.  It's gonna be awesome. Mostly because I'm stoked about it but let's be real: sometimes that's all awesomeness needs to get started, is a little excitement. 

enjoy!

-XOXO-

Sami