figure it out /// also i'm not dead yet

I'm sitting here trying figure out how it all works.
How i can remember details from my first day here,
like when the iron crackled, it sounded like tires on a dirt road
and then from my fourth week here when we had to drive 20 minutes to find a dirt road
How 'normal' constitutes 97%, but we learn about the non-normal 3% 50% of the time
How i can be so addicted to coffee, and yet i still don't drink it as much as i used to
How twins can share nutrients and still not get equal amounts
How un-matching furniture reminds me of home
How greasy hair and no makeup don't matter anymore because homework dictates all
And 2 am is familiar
And 11 pm is early
And i wear a watch now because i have to be able to take a pulse
And when i eat food that looks like everyone else's they get confused because they think i'm eating what they're eating and half the time i am its just that its my gluten free version, not normal stuff, and that makes them confused they don't get that i'm not gonna change
And how can i be more able to relate to these people even when i
have nothing in common with them
And how the last 4 years of my life were labeled 'waiting'
But 'waiting' is an understatement
That was boot camp
That was training
That was testing and working and patience and art and writing and figuring out pathways and equations that i could lay over situations so i could relate
And how other people didn't get that
And how people don't know that other people think I'm intimidating because i tried really hard on those first few days to be 'out there' and 'open' and 'relatable' because
I knew that if i didn't that would be awk-
ward

But what would have happened if i hadn't figured out step 1
That preparation
Im sitting here trying to figure it out
How to be autonomous
How to be me
And yet how to hollow myself out for more information and more homework and more time
How far can i stretch
And yet how full can i get of God
Because he's here
He's with me
And he is quite possibly the most tangible when I open one of my textbooks and see a photo
Of a condition
That a baby or mother can get
And lets face it
I wonder when the nightmares will hit of those photographs
And i wonder whether this was planned
Or whether this was result of falling
And I wonder if God cries when he sees this

And i think of all the good this will do
All this current preparation
The info being stocked away in my brain,
To pin together as more comes in.
I think of those far-off places with
Bad outcomes of birth and life and death and
How there is such hatred, and such sorrow
And what good it will do

And others say
'That place scares me'
And i'm right there with them
But i see that complication,
And those definitely-not-anatomical figures crossing the surface of the world,
And i see the mountains that make mine seem like pebbles next to a boulder
And the oceans that make the lake seem like a raindrop next to a fountain
And i see God and how he gave us the chance to be pain free

but how that
didn't
happen

I see those places and let me tell you
They scare me too

But i want to help
The pain
Because it doesn't stop at my world
It doesn't stop at the edge of my sight
And my world is a fraction of a fraction of a sliver
Of the whole world

And i know that.

And though i may not be able to take the pain away
I can give them hope of eventually being pain free
And the immediate choice of joy
And when i see that option
It seems gigantically more helpful than
Not doing anything at all

So scared or not
Figured out or not
Friends or not
Or financially supported or not
Or not
Or yes
Then yes.
I've figured that out.

WHOOOOOOO OKEEAY. I'm not dead.
And that is a terrible rough draft. BUT I HAD TO WRITE SOMETHING.
Mostly this is just me spouting bc i have no time and homework is already glaring at me but
NEWS: i got twitter. Although in my defense i am a student midwife so sometimes i use body words that may be considered offensive to some people but they're just part of my profession so basically just be warned. Also in my defense i'm pretty hilarious so #bonus. (First post, my roommates and I created a fictional roommate that we are gonna try to sell to pay for our schooling....is that even legal?) Follow me @roommateforsale (yes that is my twitter name thingy. It was late and i was unimaginative.)

ALSO NEWS:
remember that time that i told you that i didn't have anything past December figured out.
That's still a thing.
And December (or January...whatever) is rapidly approaching. SO PRAYER WOULD BE EPICALLY APPRECIATED. BC I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. SO YEAH.

AND NEWS #3: im gonna do a world dump soon. (Me + moving + school + new place + independence = new experiences that i desperately need to write about and a lot of terribly grainy iphone photos.)
I've been at midwifery school for 4 weeks and i have learned so much....and theres 8 weeks left.....and there is so much cool stuff here but the lack of both mountains and ocean makes it kinda lame. I mean cool, but no.

YA'LL ARE AMAZING. Is anyone even still reading this? I'm so confused........at what point to blogs just automatically get erased from the internet bc their authors are negligent students who don't have time to blog anymore. (#CRY)

Love ya'll....hang in there.
Life may not always be good, but that doesn't mean there isn't beautiful bits along the way.

Xoxo
Sami

P.s. I am terribly sorry for the quality of this post. The grammar is awful and i'm probably going to go back over this in about three weeks and want to kill myself for even considering posting it. 

writing (because I need it) 2.16.16

they say to write until you can't NOT write
they say to write until it hurts when you don't
until you write better than you talk, think, and see
how?

describe what a jellyfish looks like to a blind person

what does music sound like, to the deaf?

how does heat feel to one who has lost the nerve endings in their fingers?

give a voice to someone who has never said a word

make ice cream for someone who has only ever eaten cake

give it the soul and sixth sense that everyone has

take life and offer it to the dying
lend vision and sound
share some taste buds

that's what writing is

how do i breathe? 
how do i see, taste
how do i feel and touch
what is the meaning of emotion?

my voice is my own language
some sentences come out like i've pasted them into google translate
the basic meaning comes through
but some words just aren't the same.

some languages have words that English doesn't
some languages don't translate into mine and vice versa

komorebi - sunlight filtered through leaves
meraki - to leave a piece of yourself in your work
hanyuaku - to walk on tiptoes across hot sand
bimyou - "meh", "not bad"

and i feel that when i write
talk and create people see part of it
but they also see the underneath description that says
Sami-ese, number of  speakers: 1
all they understand is the
butchered explanation of what i'm really trying to say
one that doesn't even come close

UNTRANSLATABLE
LITERAL
"ALMOST"

but not quite

write it anyway
write it because it hurts.
write it because if you don't it might write itself
on the walls of your brain in big black
bold letters that will never ever ever come off.

write so that it does not become permanent
toska: unexplained spiritual anguish

write to get it out

write to keep clean.

NOTE TO SELF: fifteen

last one, guys. :) don't stop looking for the little lessons. 

NOTE TO SELF: twelve

NOTE TO SELF: nine

NOTE TO SELF: eight

NOTE TO SELF: seven

NOTE TO SELF: four

NOTE TO SELF: three

so for all y'all that are confused by this, see Kate's post here. its actually about working out but the part about going mental really got through to me on different levels. plus, her blog in general rocks my world. check it out.

NOTE TO SELF: two

NOTE TO SELF: one

NOTE TO SELF: the sticky notes series

i am feeling SO overwhelmed.

i love to blog. really really really love to blog. i would do this all day every day if i could make a living off it.

unfortunately i can't.

so - i'm cutting down. you may have noticed already that i'm not posting as much as i have been. (october was kind of a post overload...so aside from that.) i want my blogging to be real - not just something i pump out every once in a while because i feel like i should keep this up.

i want to post the highlights. the stuff that sticks.
old stuff that i love, new things i think are awesome.

things i would change, things i love and hate at the same time.

i would love to have red hair.
i fail at bible time but its a new years resolution to remedy that.
as much as it tries to kill me, i want to start running.
and i want to look at the good things.
i want to learn the little things and remember them.

i therefore introduce to you:

i will be doing two series at the same time. Note to Self as they come, and then If Places Were People every other week.

Note to Self  will be the little lessons that i learn that i don't want to forget. these lessons are actually written in my horrid handwriting on my bedroom walls, but i want to share them with you.

because somedays we just need little sticky notes that say it's gonna be okay.

I may not post as much. but hopefully these posts will be less of me blabbering and more of
look what i learned today! what do you think? 

plus - you know - these are probably gonna be on canva things so AWESOMENESS.

stay tuned, lovelies.

versus: 2016: factual

sometimes i think the years are at war with one another.

this will be my year i think as i barrel into 2016.

but really, last year was my year too.

it was a stormy year, yes.

if i were a ship, my hull would have holes, 

and my mast would be missing

and there would be tears and 

repairs needed everywhere.

but it was still a year. 

and one that i learned a lot in.

one that i had favorites in.

and if i did compare them.

if the two did go to war.

i would see that both had merits

and the war would end up being a duel

and the duel would end up being a miss on both ends.

neither would die.

because both were equally valuable.

of the year. what happened?
how did i get to this place
with these things
in this time
with these people

how did i become who i am right now
and what person does that steer me towards becoming.

song:
Wake Me Up - Avicci

quote:
"What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."
and
"The town was paper, but the memories were not."
- Paper Towns, John Green

"One of the drawbacks about adventures is that when you come to the most beautiful places
you are often too anxious and hurried to appreciate them."
- The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis

lessons learned:
people are meant to be loved, experiences learned from, and issues dealt with. but those don't define me. none of those make me who i am. that essence of myself is bottled up inside me.
i am my own source.
you will never regret being kind.
the world is sometimes a mirror. and sometimes you are a mirror. and you have to figure out which one is which, and which one is right.

important dates:
September 27, 2015: I got baptized! (The river was cold. AH.)
August 14, 2015: Baby Niece Eliza Marie is born!!
aaand sometime in December I applied for a midwifery school. still waiting to hear whether i've been accepted...but i'm super excited!

highlights:
train trip (i love to travel. period, end of story.)

down lows: 
bad things happen in life. Basically the last half of 2015 sucked. The worst part is that even though we're pulling through, things are never the same as they once were. and, i mean, life is about change. and i get that. but sometimes i just want things to be like when i was 6 years old and my biggest worry is if i'd picked up enough books at the library. that'd be good.

new things: 
possibly going to midwifery school
we got kittens
Eliza
i am making a goal to fully absorb and apply lessons i learn. even the little stuff.
(first one of 2016 is "The first words out of my mouth should be lovely ones.")

continuing things:
i feel like 2015 and 2016 are sort of mashed together (which is really bugging me because i like my years to be separate.) so i guess you could say that this "section" of my life is continuing.
piano. (duh.) writing/blogging. (also duh.) exercise. (did i ever even start?) love for travel. (i plan to do A LOT more of that this year.)

word:
immersion: noun; deep mental involvement; 
baptism by immersing a person bodily (but not necessarily completely) in water.   
Origin: late 15th century: from late Latin immersio(n-), from immergere ‘dip into’. 

things i'll never do again:
a Hamilton Playhouse Production (not because i don't love them, because i do. but #stress #ilikemylipswithoutcoldsores #justno #sorry). I love theatre. i just don't love being almost solely responsible for the background music.
train travel. because as much as i love travel, by train is just not the best. there's a post about that.

verse:
"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him." 2 Corinthians 5:6-9

So YAY for 2016. may it be filled with lessons, and quotes, and good moments. may it shine, may it be worth it. may we learn much and be full and fill others. may 2016 be good. may 2016 be a year of peace, not war. may we be peace-lovers, smoothing over the rocky spots in our paths, helping others over the obstacles of life. may we be nice. may we be lovely. may we be. 

December is my thankful month // 2015

http://thejourneyofhere.blogspot.com/2014/12/december-is-my-thankful-month.html

it's true. if i made a list of everything i'm thankful for, it would wrap around the world twice.
and to the moon and back.
it would stretch to the stars, dwarfing the eiffel tower, the burj khalifa
the twin towers and the empire state building.
because i'm thankful for that midwifery school that i'm going to next fall.
i'm thankful that things aren't as bad as they possibly could be.
i'm glad that there are valleys, and there are mountains, but neither last forever.
i'm thankful for my job - its awesome.
i'm thankful for my brain, and my books, and my family, and my dog.
i'm thankful for the new kittens that we got,
and for my legs and my arm and my slightly flabby belly.

i'm thankful that i have reasons to smile,
and reasons to cry
because that means that i'm not heartless, that i care.
i'm thankful that i still play piano.
that the brown box with black and white keys will always wait patiently with that 3 foot stack
of piano books. waiting waiting waiting. never angry at my imperfectly timed and rare practices.
i'm thankful that my older sister created Adorable Baby #2 and said Baby #2 loves me.
of course so does Adorable Baby #1, but #2 loves me more than #1 does, i think. basically, being an aunt is awesome.
i'm thankful that i can write the story that's been bouncing around in my head for five years. i'm thankful that its actually kind of working. and that the writer's blocks only last for a day or two. sometimes a week. but they always go away.

i'm thankful that i am blessed.
i'm thankful that i can and will and have learned a lot about life.
and i'm thankful that i'm turning 20.
which seems really old, but it also seems really young, too. maybe i'm not so thankful about that one.
but still, i'm thankful to be alive, and i'm thankful for all the messes, because somehow, those messes turn into beautiful things. messy people turn into beautiful people.

i'm thankful for the contrast in the world,
the good and the bad.
the where-we-have-been and the where-we-should-be and
the where-we-want-to-go.
because then we know where-we-are-at.
i'm thankful for the differences.
if we didn't have differences we wouldn't have contrast, we wouldn't have balance.

in essence, i'm thankful for life.
even though it can be awful, it can be beautiful, too,
because we have to have the bad to recognize the good.

30-ish before 30. (i can't believe i'm actually making this list.)

so normally i'm one of those people who hides in their room on their birthday.
i don't check my facebook.
i don't answer my phone (mostly because letting the well-wishers leave a message is WAY less awkward and honestly, i LOVE LOVE LOVE the messages they leave me.) OKAY FINE. exhibit a: i still have three different messages from three different people saved on my phone from my 16th birthday. Me? sentimental? never...
and i have a really hard time planning my own parties. or doing anything on my birthdays other than mope around because dang it i'm one year older, one year closer to dying. screw it, let's just plan my funeral now.

I really actually THINK THIS ON MY BIRTHDAY.

this year, i'm turning 20. *cue dirge*
this year, i'm considering writing my eulogy. *enter mourners clad in black*
this year, i--

"HOLD IT."
*awkward silence*
*sad sami gets pulled off stage by happy sami*
*whispered conversation ensues*
"you can't just..."
"yes i can..."
"you need to get a grip, girl..."
"but-"
"NO."
"i need to-"
"you are going to have a good birthday and you are going to enjoy it or so help me-"

*happy sami smiles from corner of stage*
"Hi everyone! sorry about that...Sami's having issues with turning 20. It's kind of understandable considering that its the end of her teen years but i think she's taking it a little too far, don't you? So to help her cheer up, we're going to help her create a list of all the things she's going to do in her 20s, okay? LET'S DO THIS!"

1. Buy a van, refurbish (or refurnish...can't decide on the word here), and road-trip across the U.S. with a small incredible group of girls and an amazing soundtrack. Do a blog specifically for the trip, let all the girls post on it, and take 7 billion pictures. (more or less...)
2. Do some form of obstacle course race.
3. See a Broadway show. In New York, of course. and listen to "Welcome to New York" while there.
4. Learn "Flight of the Bumblebee" on piano. Play it for Vicki.
5. Write. a) that novel. b) a book of poetry, thoughts, etc. maybe just make it a memoir. c) short story. d) a work of nonfiction, if you have an idea for it and everything is working out.
6. MISSIONS.
7. Experience something that takes your breath away.
8. Learn another language. 
9. Find your superpower.
10. Rest.
11. 1 blind date.
12. Takepicturesandmakeitahobby.
13. Travel internationally.
14. Dance in the rain.
15. See the Northern Lights.
16. Visit C.S. Lewis' home, or his grave, or somewhere related to him. (Narnia would be great.)
17. PARIS.
18. Throw a pot on a pottery wheel. 
19. AMSTERDAM.
20. Keep few secrets.
21. LONDON.
22. Tell that person that thing that you've been putting off for forever. of course, only if the opportunity arises. 
23. VIENNA.
24. Run after God. There is nothing else.
25. ROME.
26. Read Shakespeare. 
27. BERLIN.
28. Visit every continent. (including Antarctica.) 
29. MOSCOW.
30. Ride an elephant, while not in the U.S.
31. Add to this list, and chronicle it. 
32. Do something (travel, bookstore, whatever) with Jana. 
33. Work in a library.
34. Do something musical with Lexy. 
35. Messy Twister while wearing white clothes. 
36. Ed Sheeran, Taylor Swift, and Shawn Mendez concerts with Jana.

and then, after i wrote this list on a piece of card stock with a rainbow of different colored sharpies, i wrote this, too:

Because you are wonderful. Beautiful. Things can always get better, and God's hand is on you always. Fear not, and live without regrets. Do what you know you should do, and everything else will fall into place. 
This is your bucket list to get you through life. It's okay if you don't finish all of them before you turn 30. After all, that's only 10 years down the road. But make sure you do at least some of them, and whichever ones you miss you can add to your yet-to-be-created 40 under 40 list.
don't forget to Carpe this Deim. 

10 Things I Learned This Year

So, we passed that time of year again. Graduation. Parties. Friends. Family. Planning, thinking, finishing, doing...starting.
Your life as you know it is ending, and then you realize that your life is just starting, too. What a contradiction.
Watching the 2015 graduating class go through the ceremonies and the parties and everything...it got me thinking. I've only been graduated for a year, but in that year I have learned a gazillion things. I have become aware of things that were there for 18 years, but I didn't notice them until now. I have discovered new depths and dug deep into rich, healthy soil that has been being primed for this post-high-school life. A lot can happen in a year. Everything comes and goes - everything - to the point where somehow your life looks similar (because it's still yours) but the color, the look, the feel - EVERYTHING has changed.

Somewhere along this great timeline of life, someone thought it would be a great idea to have young adults have a complete change in EVERYTHING right smack-dab in the middle of what could be considered a young adult's mid-life-crisis. (Currently, I don't like this person.) But even when everything changes, we keep going.

"...life doesn't stop for anybody." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So, life doesn't stop. Neither do we. We never stop learning, doing, breathing, thinking, living.
And this is what I've learned while I've not stopped in the last year:

1. Family is the most important thing that you will ever have, other than your faith. So, get to know them, if you don't. Lose the attitude - your parents actually do know more than you. Make use of their knowledge. They've lived longer than you. Also, find another model-figure for your life and make use of their knowledge. Usually someone who hasn't lived with you for the last 18 years has a different perspective. Also, family is not limited to blood-relatives. Some of my family members are sunday-school teachers from 3rd grade. Some are co-workers. Some are my mom's clients that I cat-sit for. And then there's my church. (which personally I think can be a little weird, because it's like: assuming everyone in this building has accepted Christ...um, they're all my bro's and sista's....sorry, what was your name? I don't think we've met..." And it's also weird when those people know your name because you're on the worship team, but then you're like "actually I don't recognize you at all....I was probably looking at my music..."). Basically, EMBRACE YOUR FAMILY.
2. You can't change people. You can only change yourself, your reactions, your responsibilities. So, if you don't like something that you can't change, change your reaction. for example: this spring i had an incident with the director of the play that i was providing music for. she felt that i wasn't putting enough effort into the music (when in reality i was putting in as much effort as i could muster). I had to tell her that i was doing that, but in order for me to do any better, i was going to need HER support, and the music director's support too. and then, rather than being really mad at her (because i really wanted to be mad at her) i decided that she was stressed about the play and the deadlines in it, and i was stressed about the same, and the only thing i could do was be nice to her. and you know what? it worked. the more understanding i tried to be, the less angry i felt with her and the easier it was for me to put more effort into the music. 
3. Treat others as you would like to be treated. (And don't be a two-year-old and be mean. Be decent. It will be returned to you.)
4. Make new friends. This one, I think, is critical. Usually, we spend most of the first 18 years of our life surrounded by familiar faces: friends that we grew up with from childhood, family, people from church, etc. I think we have a tendency to harden our abilities to meet new people, thus creating cliques (which, if you have ever been on the outside of a clique, is actually very painful). So when a new face shows up at bible study, introduce yourself. When you see a new family at church, or at a gathering, or WHATEVER, go say hi. (I know: this is coming from the introvert. But I'm not entirely hopeless. I have at least 3 friendships that are new as of the beginning of the year.) WARNING: if you are in a clique and you do this, you might lose your place...just sayin'.
5. Clothing does not wash itself. (I had to put this one in.) I have never been good at doing laundry. I put a load in the washer, and then forget about it for two days. Thankfully, I've been getting better about not leaving it for days at a time, but in the process have developed another habit: waiting to wash the clothes until I have none left to wear. DON'T DO THIS. Because chances are, you'll choose to do laundry on the very day that everyone else in your living quarters chooses to do laundry. And then that results in laundry wars. (*ahem*, underwear helmets and laundry basket shields.....be sure to remove all cameras from premises so as to avoid blackmailing material...)
6. Get a job, and learn how to love it, even when you hate it. Currently, I'm not totally in love with my job, because I'm learning that everyone in the world does not wish for bubblegum, rainbows and unicorns. But, the paycheck makes up for it. And I have awesome hours. So basically it balances itself out.
7. Have fun. Literally. For a couple months after I graduated, it was like I was still in school. Always busy, always doing something. And then things slowed down. This last month or so, even though I'm still really busy, I've been focusing more on doing things I enjoy - like staying up until 2 a.m. reading. Or going for walks with my mom. Or going to a movie with my sister. Or just meeting a friend for coffee. (I LOVE coffee dates.) Or Skyping with people halfway around the world. Slow down a little, enjoy what you do.
8. Be YOU. I know you've heard this before, but I cannot stress it enough. This is your life. More particularly, this is your first year on your own. (Yeah, I know, it's freaky.) So you get do change the things you don't like about yourself, and nourish the parts that you do like. You get to take that clay that your parents have spent 18 years centering and shaping (not details yet, just form) and you get to start saying "I like that, lets add a little detail. I like this, lets put some in here. And...oh GOODNESS we need to get rid of that..." You get to shape yourself, and let God shape you. It's really awesome.
9. Laugh at yourself. No kidding, here. I used to get super stressed out and then the tiniest little thing would set me off and I would either turn into the Hulk, or run sobbing to my room. SERIOUSLY let it go. When you mess up, LAUGH. It makes the situation that much less painful, and everyone else around doesn't get a ruined day.
10. Find something you love about yourself. EXAMPLE: I have great legs. No, really. I LOVE my legs, especially when I work out and they are semi-tan. Also, I love that I'm an introvert. I mean, yeah it can be a little bit of a problem when I have to be around people...but when I DON'T have to be around people its really awesome because then I'm this super low-maintenance person. When you start looking for something you like, you get to know yourself better. It's really interesting, because it basically goes like this: "Lets see....what do I like about myself....OOH! I like that. But what's that? Ugh...gross. I think that needs to go. So, trashcan where are yo- OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THIS LOVELINESS where has that been? has it been hidi- have you been hiding all this time? THAT IS SO COOL!!!"

*ahem*
or something like that.
10 things in 1 year. I've probably learned more. I've probably learned more important ones. But I've probably also forgotten them.
These are the ones I remembered. These are the ones that are important to me.
so what did you learn this last year?  what do you remember? what's important now? You should totally tell me about it in the comment section! :D

Earth Girl (aka summer reading list #2)

2788. Only the handicapped live on Earth. Eighteen-year-old Jarra is among the one in a thousand people born with an immune system that cannot survive on other planets. Sent to Earth at birth to save her life, she has been abandoned by her parents. She can’t travel to other worlds, but she can watch their vids, and she knows all the jokes they make. She’s an “ape,” a “throwback,” but this is one ape girl who won’t give in.

Jarra makes up a fake military background for herself and joins a class of norms who are on Earth for a year of practical history studies excavating the dangerous ruins of the old cities. She wants to see their faces when they find out they’ve been fooled into thinking an ape girl was a norm. She isn’t expecting to make friends with the enemy, to risk her life to save norms, or to fall in love.

GOOD: there was one main aspect of the book that I loved: the book was set in a utopian future, not a dystopian future. the difference? dystopian means the world ended but the people survived and everything is terrible and the government is possibly bad and controlling. utopian means that the world didn't end, everyone is in agreement on what the government does, and changes have been made to make peace between people and people, people and nature, people and deity. So, in this book, Jarra is stuck on earth becuase her body goes into shock if she does, but other people can leave earth for other planets (outside the Milky Way) which is how everyone lives today: making use of other planets out there. even though she hates it, Jarra has to stay on earth. Really, the conflict isn't between her and an outside force (government or nature) but between her and herself. Jarra has to come to terms with who she is. I liked that.

BAD: it was slow. very slow. I actually took the opportunity to skip ahead oh, 80 pages or so. it didn't really make a difference. i did go back and read the whole thing becuase 1, i was feeling listless and i do pointless things when i feel listless, and 2, i did miss a part of the plotline that WAS THE plotline, so i had to unskip. See, books like that bother me. You shouldn't have to spend 200 pages getting your book set up for the plot line. Your reader should know when they're getting to the big main good part. and you should start your reader IN the conflict, or at least right before it. Earth Girl was lacking in this area.

DIFFICULTY: this one was harder to read. it didn't seem to flow. there were long passages of description that weren't description, just facts thrown together in a jumbled heap. there wasn't much of a plotline...i had to convince myself  finish it.

1-10 SCORE: i'm giving this one a 2. (oh, i'm cruel...) like i said. it just didn't go with me.

OVERVIEW: there were good parts. like when Jarra decides that maybe the norms aren't so bad after all. when she realizes that she's just like them, and that prejudice can be two-sided. when she realizes that she has made friends that are like family, and even though she lied to them they are standing by her. overall though, it was fairly disappointing. it reminded me of my dad's old BB gun (the pellets ROLL out the end of the barrel, and then pathetically drop to the ground.) maybe that's a bit harsh, but that's what i got out of it.

Legend (summer reading list review #1)

What was once the western United States is now home to the Republic, a nation perpetually at war with its neighbors. Born into an elite family in one of the Republic's wealthiest districts, fifteen-year-old June is a prodigy being groomed for success in the Republic's highest military circles. Born into the slums, fifteen-year-old Day is the country's most wanted criminal. But his motives may not be as malicious as they seem.
From very different worlds, June and Day have no reason to cross paths—until the day June's brother, Metias, is murdered and Day becomes the prime suspect. Caught in the ultimate game of cat and mouse, Day is in a race for his family's survival, while June seeks to avenge Metias's death. But in a shocking turn of events, the two uncover the truth of what has really brought them together, and the sinister lengths their country will go to keep its secrets.

here's what I got out of it:

GOOD: there was some really good unpredictability in here. (me: OH MY GOODNESS DID THAT JUST HAPPEN- that just happened. HOLY DORITOS that was really good...how did they DO that?) also, i found the description of the location quite vivid. you could see the surroundings, you knew what the character was seeing as far as inanimate objects went. also, the characters had incredible potential: two geniuses with super-assassin abilities that grow up in completely different lifestyles. both are trying not to die. oh, and one has an awesome sidekick. 

BAD: i felt like their wasn't enough of a plotline. this book was about a third of the storyline...i ended it going wait...that's it? i thought there would be more...also, as much potential as the characters had, they didn't really use that potential. i still don't have a solid picture in my head of what they look like, which is really confusing. I mean, the reader is told that the main characters are 15 years old, but they act more like 18 or 20. also, while a lot of the book was unpredictable, a lot of it wasn't, too...i found myself going i bet this is going to happen next.  and then five minutes later yep, totally called it.

DIFFICULTY: this only took me 6 hours to read. it was fast-paced and exciting; it wasn't one of those books that you can start reading and then skip forward a little bit and go i think i know how they got there. it was more of a can't miss a word otherwise i might miss something. so, a fast read, but not really a hard read.

1-10 SCORE: at best a 5. I'm so mean. and critical. and picky about the books I like. 

OVERVIEW: i am sad to admit that i was disappointed with Legend. it just didn't spark. 

the predictability ruined it for me. (i like a book that takes me 100% by surprise, not 75%.) and the character development was below par, in my book. (no pun intended.) that bothered me.

it really could have been a great book. there was a good plotline, good character potential, good thought to how the story developed...i just felt like maybe there wasn't enough of it for one book. Maybe if they smacked the entire trilogy into one book, that might do it.

 I mean, its a dystopian novel about government control, running away, two characters that are trying to escape the system...

wait. did i just describe Divergent? or was it Hunger Games...

i wish i could say that this was more than just another dystopian novel, but i can't.

that's what i got out of it. 

Perspective and New Year's Resolutions

Sometimes, I think I am the most cynical, sarcastic, pessimistic person on the face of this earth.

I start thinking of all the bad things: My back hurts. And my face. Today was REALLY boring at work. I feel dirty right now. I don’t want to have to go to Bible study tonight. My dog won’t leave me alone! Dinner is not made. I just want to go to bed.

The list continues. I find myself creating this dark sphere around myself that only holds in the bad things. I have to search – really search – to find the good things.

Then something will happen, and I snap out of it for a bit. Sometimes it’s my pastor telling me that I’m a little too sarcastic. Sometimes it’s my sister laughing at me. Sometimes it’s a random person on the sidewalk saying something that lifts my spirits.

And that’s when I remember that often it’s not anything that happens in my life that makes me cranky. It’s my perspective that is off, and it throws every other aspect of my life into confusion. All I have to do is fix my perspective (or sometimes, I can’t do it – God has to), and I remember that all those bad things? –they have a good side, too.

My back hurts because I went bowling with my friends a month ago and had a blast.

My face hurts because I accidentally ran into a wall with it. (IN MY DEFENSE: It was very dark and late at night.) My family got a good laugh out of it, anyway...

Today actually wasn’t that boring – I witnessed a very special act of kindness by a man that came into the office. He offered to fix a water-damaged picture and frame for one of the secretaries that wasn’t in that afternoon. No charge, he took the picture to his shop and re-matted it, so that she could keep on enjoying it for a lot longer than it was going to last originally. She doesn’t know who did it; he asked us not to tell her, just for us to hang the picture on the wall and wait for her to notice it.

I feel dirty – but do you know how incredible that hot shower is going to feel tonight? And, if I really wanted to feel clean today, I should have woken up when I was supposed to and not slept in.

Bible study always makes me feel better. It’s a good mid-week redirecting back towards God.

My dog won’t leave me alone because SHE LOVES ME!!!! I feel really bad about it usually, because I’m allergic to her, so I can’t touch her, but every morning she still tries to get me to pet her!

Dinner is halfway made, actually. All I have to do is get the salad ready and make a salsa.

Bed? BED?!? Sleep is for dead people. I can do it then.

(Okay, so the last one was really cynical, but hey... funny too!)

Perspective can change a lot of things. It can change our outlook, our goals, our plans, our opinions.

My New Year’s Resolutions this year? They are a little different for 2015, a little less like a to-do list 

and more like a “Jesus, please change this in me because it’s driving me CRAZY” list.

I added another one today. If I ever think a negative, sarcastic, cynical, or pessimistic thought, I have to counter it with a positive one. One that shines brightly like a child’s smile or the first star of the night. A thought that reminds me that there is a good side and a bad side to everything, but we have to choose which side to look at.

Because how we look at something, our perspective, changes everything.

My 2015 New Year’s Resolutions

1. Be “taken” by God. Make a Jesus-time routine. Do what Jesus would do. Spread the Light.
2.  Live in the moment.
3. Establish a regular, healthy workout program.
4. Read more. (52 books in a year!)
5. Blog twice a month.
6. Learn photography. Take a picture a day for one year.
7. Go somewhere I have never been before.
8. Laugh and smile more. Say thank you. Give compliments.
9. More sunrises (i.e. get up earlier).
10. More music (listening and making).
11. “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” –Samuel Beckett.
12. Counter negative thoughts with positive ones.