I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

Before we get into this: a couple of things.

1. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TOMORROWWWWWW.......#WEARELOUDER AND IZZA GON BE EPIIIC.
2. Because I am going through some major life changes...you know, COLLEGE and MOVING and LIFE WHAAT, I don't know how much I will be able to post on this blog. I'm crying about that, seriously. I am addicted to blogging. So for the new chapter, I'm going to do it as much as I can, but I make no promises on how often. :( *sobs inconsolably*
3. In the works but still: it's time for a revamp. This blog - I love the look, the vibe, etc., but sometimes old parts of life need new coats of paint. (FYI I almost typed "paint" as "pain" like, nooOOO lets keep pain to a minimum please lol.) I'm thinking peachy colors and cute goldfish. Either that or pastel greens and cacti....THOUGHTS? (Seriously please comment. I love you're comments. They show up in my inbox and I'm like, everyone loves me this is great.)

OKAY I'm done --- TO THE POST.

__________________________________________________________________________


Let's face it:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

HA.

I mean, I'm moving to a completely different town in seven days.

I'm going to be learning a trade that, YES I want to be in, but I have NO experience with whatsoever. (It would have been beneficial to have seen a birth and know that I can actually do what I'm doing.)

After three months, I'm moving to YET ANOTHER completely different town that I have never been to AND I'M LIVING THERE FOR A YEAR. (Although this one, how bad can it be, I'm only 50 miles from the ocean. #WIN)

Back to the point EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN DID MY LIFE BECOME AN EXPERIMENT IN HOW MUCH STRESS I'M ABLE TO HANDLE.

I mean come on SADDJLKDFFIOEPUIOUSE K K K K K I'M FINE I SWEAR BUT WHYYYYYYYY.

I'm freaking out. My mom is freaking out. My sisters and dad are freaking out (they don't show it. Nice one, guys). My dog is freaking out (she doesn't know details but she's smart. She's catching on.) My best friend would be freaking out but she has her own worries. I think the worship team is freaking out, but to be honest, in the year and a half that I've played with them I still haven't figured out when they're joking or not.

The stress level is about HERE.

Ya know?

And within this washing machine of emotion and chaos and fingernails-digging-into-the-walls-so-as-to-slow-my-departure....I have incredible peace. I'm doing what God wants me to do. Everything's cool. (Which is super weird because I go from lghjlsdlsdlksGRAAAAARG to oh hey cool bro in about 8.9 seconds. I am THE emotional roller coaster.)

So what I have another 150 meals to make before I leave. So what I don't have housing for when I move in January. So what I don't even know if I'll like midwifery. So what I'm essentially getting up and walking out the door of my previous life and rebuilding it in an unknown location with unknown materials. SO WHAT.

It's ok. It's ok.

Life is an adventure. And I'm realizing more and more what exactly it's about:

Not finding true love. (that's simply a really awesome bonus)
Not being the best person.

Not being happy.

Life isn't a race.
Or a game.
Or a punishment.
Or a reward.
Or something that we do over and over and over
and have absolutely no control over.

We are ALIVE. We are living and breathing and we get to create our world and yeah, usually it's an experiment and a blank page and we have to face this every. single. day. But SO WHAAAAAT.

Do you know how amazing that is?

Like, ok I believe I believe that there is an optimal version of our life that God has given us an opportunity to find.

AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED ABOUT THIS?????

Let me say it another way:

College is not cheap. Even weird college like I'm going to. And yet somehow God has provided every step of the way. He gave me this really awesome job where I was able to sack away 3/4 of my paycheck every month. He made that money multiply. He gave me extra opportunities to house sit and clean and play piano and get paid for it. And I was freaking out about how I was going to make the money to pay for my second semester (first semester $$ came together pretty well) and now I'm looking at my account and guess what? I'M ALREADY HALF WAY THERE.

There's no way I did that.

He did.

I just, like, GAAAAAAHHH
GOD IS SO GOOD.
YA KNOW.
HE LOVES ME AND
HE'S GUIDING ME
AND I JUST CAN'T.

Like, if it's one thing God has shown me through this is that I am so not worthy, and yet I'm his. I'm his kid and he's going "do you trust me to jump into this? I promise that I will catch you and it will be beautiful".

I am overwhelmed. I am freaked out. I am stressed. I am excited. I am nervous. I am listening to sappy soundtrack music that makes me cry. I am terrified. GO READ ISAIAH 40. (Especially verses 11 and 31.)

*MIND. BLOWN.*

End of conversation.

So yeah - I guess what I'm trying to say in this caps-lock-emphasized, loooooong, I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing post....is that He has got you so much more than you realize. And we're talking about the star-breather, breath-giver, pathway-maker, all-knowing, bigger-than-the-universe, ever-present-ever-loving GOD that has got everything. under. control.

So I'm freaking out. And I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And that is totally, completely, underestimatedly and wonderfully good, because it is in those moments that I have no doubt that God is in control of my life, and that is WAAAAAAYYY better than me being in control of my life.

I'm actually glad that I have no idea what I'm doing. Weird. Awesome.

the note to self series: guest post on kate's blog

Y'ALL SIT UP AND PAY 'TENTION.

Kate at the Goodness Revolt (just stop everything and go check out her blog IT IS AMAZING)  asked me to do a guest post.

this is the guest post. 

yep...this link right ---> HERE. 

and this is also the end of the NOTE TO SELF: series.  

*sad*

but don't stop holding on to the little lessons that are actually big lessons. 

#NOSHAME for the amount of links i put in this post. no shame.

(NOT TO MENTION I JUST HIT 100 POSTS ON THIS BLOG. yaaaaaaaayyyyy.......)

NOTE TO SELF: fourteen

This. This idea: to not let things get to you. figure out who you are, and what you contain, and then just learn from everything else. let it flow through you, but don't bottle it up. you don't have to process everything. sometimes you just have to let it run by like an icy stream on a summers day. it bubbles and pulls at your feet but you stand there. you don't let it affect you other than to let it make your bones ache and your skin cool and remind you that you are alive, and you are who you are.

MOVING ON:

guys. i am the worst. blogger. ever.

i just up and leave and decide to drop by to post these notes....

YES I AM FEELING GUILTY FOR LEAVING YOU HERE WITH NOTHING TO READ.
(on the other hand i'm kinda half tempted to be like what? go fend for yourself! i'm totally not responsible for your blogger feed being full and up-to-date. i won't do that though, because i know the feeling of an empty blog feed. *so sad*

me feeling guilty, the lack of posts here, this is soon to change. (translation: if i don't sit down and write soon, my brain and my fingers are going to run away on permanent vacation to the Bahamas and then where would we be?) (Answer: we would still be here, in montana, with semi-gorgeous weather and a 3.7 mile long to-do list buried underneath a full-time job and the incessant craving for coffee that i have tried (and failed) valiantly to curb.) (and we would so much rather be in the Bahamas, now wouldn't we?)

two more NOTE TO SELF posts, and then Kate at the Goodness Revolt has graciously offered to let me guest post on her blog about said note to self series. (i am equally terrified and thrilled. i've never guest posted anything before, so i'm getting that jittery feeling in my gut that happens when i go over to someone's house for the first time and all i can think is i really hope i don't break anything.) (wait. can you break things on blogs?) (*worrying intensifies*)

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

after this....I have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

(other than the if places were people series because i've got some sparking ideas for that.)

this is gonna be great.

NOTE TO SELF: the sticky notes series

i am feeling SO overwhelmed.

i love to blog. really really really love to blog. i would do this all day every day if i could make a living off it.

unfortunately i can't.

so - i'm cutting down. you may have noticed already that i'm not posting as much as i have been. (october was kind of a post overload...so aside from that.) i want my blogging to be real - not just something i pump out every once in a while because i feel like i should keep this up.

i want to post the highlights. the stuff that sticks.
old stuff that i love, new things i think are awesome.

things i would change, things i love and hate at the same time.

i would love to have red hair.
i fail at bible time but its a new years resolution to remedy that.
as much as it tries to kill me, i want to start running.
and i want to look at the good things.
i want to learn the little things and remember them.

i therefore introduce to you:

i will be doing two series at the same time. Note to Self as they come, and then If Places Were People every other week.

Note to Self  will be the little lessons that i learn that i don't want to forget. these lessons are actually written in my horrid handwriting on my bedroom walls, but i want to share them with you.

because somedays we just need little sticky notes that say it's gonna be okay.

I may not post as much. but hopefully these posts will be less of me blabbering and more of
look what i learned today! what do you think? 

plus - you know - these are probably gonna be on canva things so AWESOMENESS.

stay tuned, lovelies.

lend me your ears...or eyes. whatever.

hello lovelies -

so here's the deal. i went to norman, ok, right? and it was a wonderful trip. we did a lot of amazing stuff while i was there:

 - Milk tea with boba

 - College campus, libraries,  backpacks, and sore feet

 

- taking pictures with my iPad, so they're not anything special, unless subject was awesome then I did use my regular camera.

 - piano music in Beaird Lounge

 - the little stationary/journal/neat artsy stuff shop that was like, three blocks away from campus.

 - trying (and failing miserably) to food blog 

 - drinking water because dehydration is not fun.

 - LEARNING. (aka: an honors class in which I learned that one interpretation of government is that it harnesses the ambition, vanity, and ego of human nature, and pits it against itself. Ambition against ambition, ego against ego, want against want. I NEVER KNEW THIS and partially hated government for it. it always seemed like government was supposed to be above human nature. But when it is described like this is offers the idea that government uses human nature and it totally makes sense now.)

 - people watching and stereotyping, which I would normally protest against, but while on college campuses and in airports it's basically a sport.
 - takeout thai food (MOST FAVORITE EVER.)

 

- our own attempt at thai food - which was rice made with coconut milk, beans, and curry powder sprinkled over the top (it was really good.)

 - late nights that turn into study times that turn into music jam sessions with four female voices and a guitar and a ukulele that turn into wall-sits and planking (the roommates have accepted me as one of their own. I'M SO PROUD OF MYSELF.)
 - first time flying on a plane. which was awesome, and terrifying, and terribly liberating. (see?)
 - visiting my awesome friend who showed me all over campus and we got to talk about EVERYTHING. (Okay well maybe not everything but she really confirmed my suspicions: she's seriously the coolest person in OK right now.)
 - #pianohandsami and #travelbug...check out my instagram @saminuxoll.

this trip to Norman was what i would consider my first solo adventure (i've been on many trips with groups of people, aka my family, but this one i was on my own...for at least part of it.) (basically this was me.) and so i'm like, YAY NORMAN, but then i'm like, oh. home. and then i have to decide, and i end up with the conclusion that travel is wonderful and new things will always be lovely and visiting friends in their lives and worlds are usually wonderful things, but home will always be my world which is okay. because that's my world, and they have theirs. and we can visit each other. And maybe even I will get stuck in their world sometimes but that's okay. Good, healthy even. (Yeah I totally just quoted Flynn Rider. #bombdiggity)

SO THE TRIP WAS GREAT.
the thing is, while i was there i got an email from a previous professor of mine. he was the one that taught me to love writing. and he says "sami, i'm starting a creative writing course, and i know you're getting ready to go to midwifery school and you need to save money for that but i also know that you love to write so if you want you can audit this course" and i'm like "TOTALLY. COUNT ME IN!!" because i mean really: it's poetry and creative writing.
and so one of the assignments for the class was to write a memory and/or place using imagery and assertion, simile and metaphor, and make it live. so i get totally excited about this assignment and i end up writing about norman.  and then i realize that i love writing places into people, and that's how this poem about norman looked and i'm like:

I SHOULD BLOG THIS.

and so I'm writing and writing and I end up with this poem about how Norman was kind of a place-fling for me. don't get me wrong: i loved norman. its just that norman wasn't for me. it was flat and i'm a mountain kind of girl, and the museums were great but you can only go through so many museums before you get sick of them. so this poem is kind of how i feel about places, which is basically I LOVE new places but in the end i will always return to mountains. particularly MY mountains, to home. and so then I'm thinking about how i could try writing a lot of different places as people - the ocean where we've always gone, the cabin that we have in the woods, Arizona when we took that road trip, even downtown in my hometown and then by my house and the next thing I know I'm like:

I SHOULD BLOG THIS.

And so just a note:   i swear this first post about Norman is actually NOT how i feel about dating people. And the rest of these posts in the series are not how I feel about family or friendships or PEOPLE in general. It's just how I see places - how I relate to places and maybe even how my pen took over my brain for the length of the poem. 

This post: it's a bookmark: it's a colon: it's me saying BRACE YOURSELF because the series that's coming? If Places Were People.  It's gonna be awesome. Mostly because I'm stoked about it but let's be real: sometimes that's all awesomeness needs to get started, is a little excitement. 

enjoy!

-XOXO-

Sami

Leibster Blog Award

SO - here I get this Pinterest message from Abbiee at her music blog. (This alone was enough to make my day.) (#pinterestaddict) 

And this message says that she has tagged me for the Leibster Blog Award. 

I have seen this award. 

It floats about the internet like gold stars on a European restaurant.  (Go watch The Hundred-Foot Journey. SO GOOD.) 

and I love tags. 

Incentive + ability + TOTAL EPICNESS = BEST

What could possibly be wrong about any of this combination??
So i give to you:

Here's the rules:

1. Steal the logo thingy. Yep, go ahead, take it! (Or, you can dig around on the big wide Web and see if you can find another one that somehow fits your blog better. Or you could make one. This one is from Abbiee. It's pretty awesome. i don't see why you would need a different one.)
2. Link back to the person that tagged you. (Hello. That would be me.)

3. Answer the 11 questions that I provide for you at the end of this post. (So. Many. Questions.) 
4. I looked up the official rules for the Liebster award, since i had never done it before and i wanted to LEARN about it (because i love to learn.) and guess what? You're supposed to provide 11 random facts about yourself. (yesssss.....) so do that. tell us about how you eat nutella at midnight and only use slippers on christmas and have only ever had two pets at any given time. 
5. Tag 5 – 11 bloggers that you think deserve to be Liebster of the Year (i don't think that's actually a thing but shhhhh - don't tell anyone :), who have a less than 1000 followers. (apparently you can get a little widget for your blog that lets people know how many people have followed your blog. or you could just ask the blogger. Or you could just guess. Because really....who's counting?) i was confused on the number of nominations you could give so i googled the original liebster blog award and basically the rules have morphed over the years. some people say 11 bloggers, some say 5, some say 10, some say as many as possible. I JUST THINK ITS FUN TO FIND OUT ABOUT PEOPLE. so do however many nominations you want. TAG AWAY.

6. Ask them 11 questions. (or more. or less. but why would we ask less questions? this is an interrogation, right?) (kidding. its actually not. but if it was it would be the coolest interrogation ever.)
7. List these rules in your post. (if you want you can copy and paste from here, or you can do your own interpretation.)

8. Let your tagged bloggers know you've tagged them, via social media or their blog. (IMPORTANT STEP. and give them a link to your blog post that nominates them because if they don't have that then they can't see the questions.) (lol, no i'm not talking from experience. that would be ridiculous.)

9. Also, just as kind of an afterthought...you should really leave your nominator a link to the post you write. Because that's why you were nominated: someone loved your blog. 

So my answers to the phenomenal questions asked by the phenomenal Abbiee:

>>> Best childhood memory?

I don't think I can actually choose just one......maybe the time our friends came over from Portland and we had "Camp LongWalk", which included homemade toy boat races, and lots of bug spray, and sardines, and vienna sausages, and water fights? Or maybe the time we went on the road trip with my aunt to Mount Rushmore? Or maybe the time that Lexy, Dad, and I were home without Mom and Dani and there was a thunder storm so we hung out in the kitchen with all of the doors to the house open and drank chocolate milk and watched the rain come down in sheets? Or the time that we took an unexpected adventure to the coast just because we could? All of it. Really. CHILDHOOD WAS AWESOME.

>>> What is your opinion of Tumbler?
My opinion is a generalization:  Tumblr is full of awesome people who are probably less awesome in person and have less than awesome lives but make them seem awesome by presenting facades on this social media column. They are also often obsessed with some movie or TV series, and this is the subject of much of their circles. (Truth: I would probably have a tumblr if I had more time. God knew that I could only actually live life if he put 24 hours in a day. If he had put in 25, I would have a tumblr, and it would be terrifying. And time consuming. And I would rule the world through tumblr, which would be a disaster. Thus 24 hour days.)

>>> Current Favorite Song?
Hello, My Old Heart by The Oh Hellos - THIS SONG IS AWESOME. AND THE ARTISTS ARE AWESOME. GO LISTEN TO THEM. 

>>> Spirit Animal?? (it can also be a person)
 Tea. Tea is my spirit animal. Either that or a manatee. I like those things. 

>>> What is that thing that, when you do it, you feel ALIVE?
Traveling, especially when it involves public transportation. It's like all of my senses are turned onto super-mode, so I see and hear and feel and taste and smell everything 10 TIMES MORE INTENSE THAN I NORMALLY WOULD. It's like having the volume turned up. (Second choice: running. Because it is then that I realize how close to death I am.) (Thus why I never run.)

>>> Are GIFs life or annoying? Both.  I love them because there are some really incredible GIFs out there that make me react like Exhibit A. But then there are also some really lame ones that people say are awesome and my reaction is something like Exhibit B.

>>> Do you stare at them forever just to read lips with the caption?
Yes. Especially when they only get half-words in there and you're start thinking WHAT DID THEIR FACE LOOK LIKE FOR THE REST OF THE WORD? #problemswithgifs  #lovehaterelationship

>>> Was that last question confusing?
No. Not at all. I get that.

>>> Dream job?
Midwife or Librarian.  Or official tea taster. Or I would love to be a professional hybernator. (That one is still in the works but I think we can make it happen.)

>>> Who is your greatest spiritual influence?
MMM. MY MOM. She's the best.

>>> If you had access to a time machine, where would you go?
I would go back. way way way way way back to when i was just a kid, and the worst thing that happened was sunburns and blisters on my feet because i wore that stupid pair of flipflops for too many days in a row. I would go back to when breakfast meant sitting in the strawberry patch stuffing my face with the red fruit, brushing off the umber dirt if there was any stuck on the scarlet, seed-speckled surface. I would go back to when sitting in the hottub in the winter ALWAYS included running out into the snow and rolling around and then jumping back into the tub and the slicing, stinging skin pain that made us shriek with hysterical joy. (and as weird as that sounds, we had a GREAT TIME.) i would go back to before life meant bad things happened too. i would go back to when life meant that summer would always come around and the lawn mower doubled as a 4-wheeler in the wintertime so we could pull the sled around because we didn't have a hill in our yard. i would go back to when my brain wasn't clouded by the everyday mundane fog of lists of things to do and think and say and be and look forward to and worry about. i would go back to simpler times.

and that is quite possibly the most depressing thing i have written since this little downer. 

MOVING ON.

11 random facts about me: (and my sister helped me with these so beware...hehehe)

>>>  blood orange gelato is my greatest weakness. (Shhh...don't tell.)

>>> I have only ever broken one bone, and that was my middle toe on my right foot. (We were playing Disney tag in a narrow hallway...weird things happen.)

>>>apparently I "gulp" my water.

>>> and "viciously" brush my teeth. 

>>> and my driving...you know in the movies where the edge of the world is falling off and the people are running on the little pieces and they have to not fall of the edge of the world and it's really intense and kinda scary??? That's how I drive....or so I've been told. 

>>> the ocean/seaside/beach is my most favoritest place to be. 

>>> despite the beach being my favorite place...I despise swimsuits. 

>>>  I think music is super awesome. And I think the passion that people have for music and arts is really epic. And people who love to do music....they're pretty superb. 

>>> this is not my first blog. I started doing a food blog like, four years ago, and there's maybe 8 posts on it...and I never really do anything with it, but I'm thinking about ressurecting it. 

>>> I do actually eat Nutella late at night.....*sigh*...confession. 

>>> I am a completely unique person. I am an introvert, but I like people. (Sometimes they're stupid, but all of us are at some point.) I don't like fish or chicken legs or good earth tea. Cooking is a stress relief for me. I like music that I like, not any specific band or any specific genre. I like clothes that are kinda hippie, kinda cool, kinda grunge. (Like boyfriend jeans and tunics and combat boots and leather jackets with simple necklaces and fun socks and almost curly hair.) If I could fast forward or rewind, I would think long and hard about actually doing it. But you know what? I wouldn't actually do it. Because I like where I'm at right NOW. And I like my life and who I've become and what I've learned. I am unique. But so are you. So we are both different, but we have similarities. We are grown the same way...with lots of water and food and sleep and laughter and hard work and tears and life. Unique, and beautiful. (Wow....okay #chillsam #endofrant). 

My questions for you...hehehe....

1. cake, ice cream, or pie?
2. where do you go to think?
3. if you were sick in bed and you could ask someone from any time period to come visit you, who would you ask?
4. favorite word?
5. what is your perfect pizza?
6. favorite thing to do with friends?
7. how do you exercise?
8. Do you like yourself? 
9. Who is your fictional tv show character? (I know I'm not supposed to comment on these but I had to on this one.) (for example: my sister is certain that I am Sheldon off of The Big Bang Theory. Which is probably the closest we can get to making me a fictional character, although I would be a really nice version of Sheldon and I swear I don't complain that much.)
10. Why did you start blogging?
11. If Godzilla came crashing through your hometown, or wherever your living, what would you do? 

AND NOW? THE NOMINATIONS. MWAHAHA. (Please excuse this poorly executed linking...I'm still trying to figure out my blogger app and let me be quite frank: I HATE IT SO FAR.)

Jana @ http://janasfaith.blogspot.com/

/// 

Olivia @ http://summerof1999.blogspot.com/

/// 

Adelaide @ http://downbythewillows.blogspot.com/

/// 

Kryn @ http://gardenofhappiness-kryn.blogspot.com/

/// 

Sara @ http://www.glitteringambiguity.com/blog

///  

Bridget @ https://adventuresofasoul.wordpress.com/

Alright my pretty little peaches: don't forget the rules, feel free to paste and copy as needed, and don't forget to leave me a link to your blog when you're done with this doozy. I LOVE ALL YOUR BLOGS. They seriously make my days so nice, because they're so cute and cheerful and thoughtful and adventurous and basically shisihgUTJYRTDRCjnasljdhfkasjdhf ........yeah. I love them. :) 

Thanks to Abbiee once again! This was so fun! 

Happy blogging, Leibsters!

p.s. I apologize for the length of this post.....but never fear. I have faith in your eyes. :)

tuesday morning

and some days you can't really do much except make a thing on canva and hope for the best. 

happy tuesday! :) (it feels like a monday though....)

xoxo

Sami