if places were people. no. 2

Just allow me this moment to say that I LOVE THESE PICTURES THAT I TOOK and also a warning to prep yourself for another rather sad people/places analogy/rant. #sorrynotsorry 

our lane. as in, yours and mine.

open and honest, the towering brown rabbit of a house nested against a row of ponderosas,

three of them a three-headed dog.

if you follow where the driveway points, an arm into the wilderness

you end up in the stream-bottom, hidden heart of the wood, 

wandering water trickling down from a lake 30 miles away, 30 years up the canyon.

you end up in an aspen grove with a random pond 

in the middle where we don’t ice skate in the winter

because we don’t know if it freezes and none of us are brave enough to find out.

none of us want to be eaten by water.

you have to walk down a hill to get there. 

it’s the same hill we go sledding on in winter, dangerous, 

like an angry boyfriend, but alluring in the same way. 

you have to take a 6-foot sidestep to avoid the sister of a bush with inch-long thorns.

around all this are the fatherly fields, that take away the view of the highway and when you lean

down it looks like the grass stems have been dipped in gold-making water, 

except the water is the sky and it's blue as eyes, blue as ice.

and even beyond that are the step-mother mountains, protective, leaning in to eavesdrop your secrets,

passing them on to the wild animals that snicker in the night. 

the mountains where snow shows up in september 

and doesn’t leave until june 

the very heart of them is ice and 

you know that if you started walking through them, 

if you tried to leave, you’d never reach the other side.

and if you look at where the mountains start and 

follow the pointed ears and the pointed hair 

up up up up and over 

until you reach the pointed ears and pointed hair 
on the other side with a playpen for the sun and moon and stars in between, 

where geese dip their wings in the spring and fall
clouds parade and wander and fight 

you swear that if you look hard enough the blue of the sky turns into the blue of the sea

the whispers of the wind gossips that live in the trees turn into 

lullabies of sea goddesses and gold grass turns to gold sand 

but either way you know that if you started walking through the mountains or you started flying

through the sky or the sea 

either way you know that you won’t make it out the other side.

and you know that if you did, if you did start walking or flying, and you changed your mind 

half-way, and you started walking back, 

the damage would be done. 

your stepmother would be broken and old, and your father wouldn’t be gold grass covered anymore,

he would be simply dirt and the few remnants of brown field, 

and the sister thorn bush would be gone and the boyfriend would be married to the stream 

and let’s face it:          if you leave now it will never be the same.

62 posts

on this blog, i have posted 62 times in the year of 2015.
Everything from rants and passion
to here's my boring stick-in-the-mud life.

the thing is, so much more has happened.
more than those 62 posts.
broken hearts, broken memories.
slow healing.
laughter that goes on and on until your gut aches.
a goal has been set.
multiple goals, actually.
and boundaries abound,
but our comfort zones have been stretched beyond belief.

i think i thought that life could be summed up.
that we could package life, and even people. and even
events, those summer vacations and
spur-of-the-moment road trips. the year after year of
christmas tree hunting in the woods and countless sledding and skiing days.
but we can't. because those things weren't made to be packaged.
they were meant to sit out, draped over the rocking chair like grandma's quilt.
somehow life wasn't meant to fit in a box. it was meant to spread out and run over everything.
Life isn't poptarts. its microwaved nutella.

but that's how life is best served. warm and gushy.
have you ever had frozen nutella?
worst ever.
frozen life. stuck in ice, no responses, cold and stiff.
what would be the point?

so yes - we'll try to fit life into our blog posts.
we'll try to fit it into a box.
but somehow the smell of sand and slightly damp carpet seeps out through the tape.
somehow, broken pine needles don't do bubble wrap.
somehow, somehow, snow doesn't package.

smiles don't fade in my head but printing out memories make them lose their color.
songs get stuck on replay in our brains even though they make us cry and when we try to record them they come out flat.

i try to type out words but they're two-d.
they're just words.
it seems that all i have to do, though, is read them and the mental images come flooding back, like a re-living of my life.
my eyelids are the screen - on them i can see the flash of red as fireworks go off in the fog.
dad throws up a sparkler and it lands in the snow, turning it neon green for a moment before going black.
lexy waltzing into my room at 5 o'clock christmas morning.
dani making me sit in the dirt so i can sit right in the saddle.
chris and the rubber chocolate cake.
joelle: 'its your happy birthday! its YOUR happy birthday! its your HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
eliza, round body, cooing and making me think that maybe, maybe i could have kids one day.
mom, dragging me along on hiking trips that were my idea and helping me salvage recipes gone wrong. me not having problems with chemistry and she just throws up her hands. me freaking out about basically anything and her say "Sam. CHILL. JUST DO IT. you're only holding yourself back."

and i can't write that on paper.
i can't write any of that on paper.
my mind is absolutely tick tight full of every memory i've ever had.

and i can't get it out.
not on paper.
not on this blog.
i can't recreate the scenes and take pictures.
its stuck in my head.

so yes. i've posted a lot this year.
personally, i feel like i've developed a lot in my writing.
i like my photography.
i'm getting better at arting.
but still -

it lacks that life.
i cannot capture life in my art.
in my writing.
in my pictures.

or maybe i can.
maybe i can and i just can't see it.
because in comparison to the product i see in my head,
the vivid world with so many colors,
in comparison, my output is wan. it is drab and empty.
if only you could see the real thing.

there is a species of shrimp that lives in the ocean. it can see 16 different color cones.
we can see three.
i wonder what that shrimp's world looks like.
it must be vivid.
i wish what i put out there was vivid. 16 color cone vivid.
but its not.
(or maybe i only have 3 color cones.)

i shall continue to write though. i will continue to post.
i will keep snapping photos.
and if next year holds 300 posts instead of 62, well, then grand.
if it only holds 12, that's okay too.

but i must recognise that life is not 2-d.
what we put out might be 2-d.
we probably won't be able to capture essencces. and mists. and 16 different color cones.
but we can capture 3. so why not?
why not do what we can, saturate ourselves in life.
breathe it. right now, its all we have.

a wandering post about winter.

note: this also counts as day 19 of blogtober: share a diy. (you should be proud of this little blogger, doing it herself and hibernating. or if that's not good enough for you, i scrape my own windows when there's frost and snow on them.)

there is snow on the ground.
christmas music can make me either disgruntled or gruntled. (its a word, look it up.)
and it's so COLD.
its winter.
winter means scraping ice spiders off my windshield and
the dull thud of my boots on the frozen ground.
it means that the house gets cold at night anyway
but this year its colder than normal.
when i woke up this morning, my nose was cold. cold as if i'd been outside for 10 minutes.
i hate cold noses.

it means waiting for my car to warm up but lets face it, the heater sucks.
(you had one job, heater...one job.)
and the house, even though its almost 80 degrees, still feels like its only 55, and the cold beats at the windows like a chant.
cold cold cold cold cold
the sun seems so much brighter in the winter, taunting us.
"come outside and play...it's lovely out here!"
but then you open the door and BOOM
winter shoves in like an army at the gate,
like the uninvited to the party
the cold air billows in like snow before the plow.
everyone seems to be strapping their snow-pushers to the front of their mud-splattered pick-up trucks
the minute we get a skiff of the white stuff.

its my second favorite season (autumn is first). i love the white stuff.
i love the tingles you get in your toes whenever you see the christmas lights
and the giddy laughter that bubbles up when you think of your family's faces on christmas morning
because you got them some awesome gifts this year.

i love the bonfires that you have in the snow,
and life-threatening sledding in the dark - or even in the daytime.
i love the way the streams freeze over but then bits of the ice break off
and you can see the black water tirelessly sprinting on beneath the white cover.
the rivers do the same, but bigger water means faster water means thinner ice,
so its more like elephant skin, wrinkled but white, edging up on other ridges, pushing up the banks.

i love christmas. i love the holiday season. even in january, there's skiing and
there's hot tea and leggings (so awesome)
and you have the perfect excuse to bundle up and cover your skin
and you don't have to worry about finding tank tops that fit
because "what the heck ITS SWEATER SEASON frumpyness is actually semi-acceptable and visual comfort is expected"
and reading for hours on end is legit because what else are we gonna do? sunbathe?

the snow keeps coming and then it melts and the ground turns into one cohesive puddle of mud and yucky water.
the garden is kind of melted, but the sunflower stalks from last summer are still standing
and when the wind rustles their leaves it sounds like brittle newspaper being torn.
they wait like dirty giants, non-anticipatory of their fate, unmoving and solidly firm,
dead to the world around them.

sometimes we get rain, but it can't decide whether it wants to be rain or snow.
somehow i got all my christmas present shopping done before thanksgiving
but i can't buy anything because both my birthday and christmas come this month, dang it.
so i sit here, and i read, and i write, and i work, and i wait
because its winter.

but dang it dang it dang it 
why does it have to be so cold?

screw it all.
i'm going to hibernate.
don't wake me.
(unless its food time. or you plan on kidnapping me and taking me to somewhere lovely. or you've found a dragon and you want to give it to me. *whispers* someone please get me a dragon...)

December is my thankful month // 2015

http://thejourneyofhere.blogspot.com/2014/12/december-is-my-thankful-month.html

it's true. if i made a list of everything i'm thankful for, it would wrap around the world twice.
and to the moon and back.
it would stretch to the stars, dwarfing the eiffel tower, the burj khalifa
the twin towers and the empire state building.
because i'm thankful for that midwifery school that i'm going to next fall.
i'm thankful that things aren't as bad as they possibly could be.
i'm glad that there are valleys, and there are mountains, but neither last forever.
i'm thankful for my job - its awesome.
i'm thankful for my brain, and my books, and my family, and my dog.
i'm thankful for the new kittens that we got,
and for my legs and my arm and my slightly flabby belly.

i'm thankful that i have reasons to smile,
and reasons to cry
because that means that i'm not heartless, that i care.
i'm thankful that i still play piano.
that the brown box with black and white keys will always wait patiently with that 3 foot stack
of piano books. waiting waiting waiting. never angry at my imperfectly timed and rare practices.
i'm thankful that my older sister created Adorable Baby #2 and said Baby #2 loves me.
of course so does Adorable Baby #1, but #2 loves me more than #1 does, i think. basically, being an aunt is awesome.
i'm thankful that i can write the story that's been bouncing around in my head for five years. i'm thankful that its actually kind of working. and that the writer's blocks only last for a day or two. sometimes a week. but they always go away.

i'm thankful that i am blessed.
i'm thankful that i can and will and have learned a lot about life.
and i'm thankful that i'm turning 20.
which seems really old, but it also seems really young, too. maybe i'm not so thankful about that one.
but still, i'm thankful to be alive, and i'm thankful for all the messes, because somehow, those messes turn into beautiful things. messy people turn into beautiful people.

i'm thankful for the contrast in the world,
the good and the bad.
the where-we-have-been and the where-we-should-be and
the where-we-want-to-go.
because then we know where-we-are-at.
i'm thankful for the differences.
if we didn't have differences we wouldn't have contrast, we wouldn't have balance.

in essence, i'm thankful for life.
even though it can be awful, it can be beautiful, too,
because we have to have the bad to recognize the good.

Day 21 - a letter to me in 5 years

i'm just gonna throw this out there. THIS IS REALLY HARD TO DO which is why its 9 days late. so there.

Dear Sam,

five years is a long time. hopefully you've figured out that there is more to life than school and your future career.

i hope you've figured out how to be decent to people on a regular basis, not just when things are going your way.

i hope you've realized

that life is a little less complicated than you make it out to be.
that there are more important things than winning.
that priorities hurt.
that rest is important.
that getting the bad stuff off your mind, easing the worries, all that, it helps a LOT.
that you are beautiful even when you're ugly. at least God thinks so anyway, and his opinion is the only one that counts.
that being alone is different from being lonely. and sometimes both are good.

that you are really really really really REALLY blessed. by friends, family, home, and pretty much everything else. you don't have much to complain about.

that life is much deeper, and much richer, and much fuller than you could ever imagine, and all you have to do is dive in.

that you must look at things from an objective point of view, and at people from a subjective point of view, and at yourself with an introspective view.

that when you care about someone, you do whats best for them, and you put yourself aside.

that you must care about yourself, and put up boundaries. not walls: boundaries. they're different. one says: here is the line; you must not cross it; please respect that. the other says: don't come near me. but nearness is special. you need that.

that listening to respond is different than listening to hear.

that there is a balance around you. sometimes it must be upset; no change is not good. there must be a little change, a little discomfort, in order for there to be growth. but that balance is also a good thing to be able to maintain.

that secrets are not a good thing. you should be open. secrets tend to eat you...from the inside out.

that there's that soft spot inside of you, hidden well. but it is soft, and it hurts if you push it too hard.

that its okay to be scared. it means you're about to do something really brave.

that you know the right thing to do. deep down, you know.

and you know, 5 years is a long time. everything might change between now and then. the only things that won't change are good and bad, right and wrong, light and dark, and how much God loves you. and God. God won't change at all.

and in the midst of all this, i hope that you have discovered new music and new books and new places and made new friends and figured out who you are and how you like to chill. i hope you've made life, in these five years, or at least caught glimpses of it.

live well.

Sami

Kisses From Katie (book review #5)

What would cause an eighteen-year-old old senior class president and homecoming queen from Nashville, Tennessee, to disobey and disappoint her parents by forgoing college, break her little brother’s heart, lose all but a handful of her friends (because the rest of them think she has gone off the deep end), and break up with the love of her life, all so she could move to Uganda, where she knew only one person but didn’t know any of the language? A passion to make a difference. Katie Davis left over Christmas break her senior year for a short mission trip to Uganda and her life was turned completely inside out. She found herself so moved, so broken by the people and the children of Uganda that she knew her calling was to return and care for them. Her story is like Mother Teresa’s in that she has given up everything—at such a young age—to care for the less fortunate of this world. Katie, a charismatic and articulate young woman, has gone on to adopt 14 children during her time in Uganda, and she completely trusts God for daily provision for her and her family, which includes children with special needs.

To further her reach into the needs of Ugandans, Katie established Amazima Ministries. The ministry matches orphaned children with sponors worldwide. Each sponsor's $300/year provides schooling, school supplies, three hot meals a day, minor medical care, and spiritual encouragement. Katie expected to have forty children in the program; she had signed up 150 by January 2008; today it sponsors over 400. Another aspect of the ministry is a feeding program created for the displaced Karamojong people—Uganda's poorest citizens. The program feeds lunch to over 1200 children Monday-Friday and sends them home with a plate for food; it also offers basic medical care, Bible study, and general health training.

Katie Davis, now 21, is more than fascinating, she's inspiring, as she has wholeheartedly answered the call to serve. 

GOOD: INSPIRATIONAL TO THE POINT OF TEARS. i kid you not. this was a really incredible book in the genre of testimonies and auto-biographies. this girl dropped everything - i repeat EVERYTHING - for God so that he could move her across the world and have her start a non-profit ministry that would care for +200 kids not to mention an uncountable number of adults. Oh! and in the process she adopted 14 children.
INSPIRATIONAL: YES. GOD THING: DEFINITELY.

BAD: it took me a bit to finish this book. it was a little slow at first. i really like the last half of the book, maybe just because i was more focused and i didn't have other things distracting me? it was a little slow, but totally worth reading.

DIFFICULTY: harder than Ranger's Apprentice, but easier than the worst book you read in school last year. (that's not vague at all. *sigh* just go with it.) (the ONLY problem that i had was that it didn't involve dragons. but i say that about every non-fiction book i read.)

1-10 SCORE: 9. seriously guys, it was that good. GO READ IT.

OVERVIEW: to read a book that tell sthe story of a girl who felt that she wasn't comfortable inteh cultural norm REALLY spoke to me. that she did something about it was INCREDIBLE. and that God worked through her even when she didn't understand what was going on, but then later she was able to look back and see his hand prints over every single moment is TOTALLY COOL to me. i really really really really liked this one, guys.

that's what i got out of it.

10 quotes from the awesome people i hang out with (10 things)

   

quotes are MY MOST FAVORITEST THINGS EVER.

i've been noticing that the people that i hang around with are really REALLY profound, or just the stuff that comes out of that hole in their face really hits home with me... so i thought i'd quote them.

1. Mom - "That's the part of the equation that we can't control." (We were talking about people in our lives and how their actions affect us, and our actions affect them. I got a picture in my head of a ship sailing through a storm. It has been said that you are the main character of your own story, and the supporting character of someone else's. As ships, we sail through other people's storms. We can either change course and get out of it, or sail straight on through. We can't control the storm itself. We can't control other people. That's the part of the equation that we can't control.)

2. Dani (my older sister) - "Sometimes we have to hang around in the dirt to realize that we don't want to be dirty." (Talking about people again. Sometimes they have to see the bad stuff to realize that they don't want to be in it.)

3. Chris (my brother-in-law) - "Their moral compass is kinda squishy. You know that cornstarch stuff? Where you add cornstarch and water together? And if you hit it really hard, it doesn't give, but if you let it sit in your hands it just turns to goop. That's what their moral compass is like. If you hit it really hard under pressure, its super strong, but the more you hang out with them, the softer it gets." (Again, talking about people - sometimes they put on masks which present the view that they are solid in their morals, in their faith, ethics, whatever...and if not tested except for the occasional smack, they seem solid. But the longer you hang out with them, the goopier they and their morals become.)

(fun fact: Both Dani and Chris, after saying these things, looked at each other and said: "wow! that was really profound!".....gotta love 'em.)

4. Jana (friend, blogger, awesome person) - "Europe is nice. They have trains." (I told her that I was going to run away. She asked if she could come with me.)

5. Eliza Marie (new baby niece!) - "*gurgle* *babble* *wheeze* *sigh*." (All while looking at me with a wide-eyed and bemused expression on her face. I have no idea what this means, but I thought it was profound.)

6. Joelle Rose (2 year old niece...ADORABLE) - "Five fives....LIAR!" (We were playing Pirate's dice.....i think she'll be able to beat us all by the time she's six, but i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.)

7. Me - "I thought it would help to travel the world." (is it terrible to quote myself? i could give myself a pen name....or say it was one of my friends...)

8. Sara (friend, blogger) - "Even if we fail, we will have learned so much." (We actually didn't have a conversation about this...i found it on her blog.)

9. Courtney (friend, musician) - "But yellow Starbursts are my favorite!" (In response to: a Facebook post that said "Never let anyone treat you like a yellow Starburst. You are a pink Starburst." This was the same girl that told me that "normal was just a setting on your washing machine". Seriously, this girl is brilliant.)

10. Kelaiah (friend, musician, blogger) - "To love is to risk." (ok, so Leo Buscaglia actually said this, but Kelaiah shared it with me. Which makes it awesome.)

11. (BONUS ROUND) Dad - "In 50 words or less, tell me who peed in your Cheerios this morning." (i died. laughing. this is my dad, all the time. so awesome.)

So.....What's your favorite quote? Who said it? Or have you ever said something yourself that you really liked?
I LOVE COMMENTS so talk to me! :D

10 Things I Learned This Year

So, we passed that time of year again. Graduation. Parties. Friends. Family. Planning, thinking, finishing, doing...starting.
Your life as you know it is ending, and then you realize that your life is just starting, too. What a contradiction.
Watching the 2015 graduating class go through the ceremonies and the parties and everything...it got me thinking. I've only been graduated for a year, but in that year I have learned a gazillion things. I have become aware of things that were there for 18 years, but I didn't notice them until now. I have discovered new depths and dug deep into rich, healthy soil that has been being primed for this post-high-school life. A lot can happen in a year. Everything comes and goes - everything - to the point where somehow your life looks similar (because it's still yours) but the color, the look, the feel - EVERYTHING has changed.

Somewhere along this great timeline of life, someone thought it would be a great idea to have young adults have a complete change in EVERYTHING right smack-dab in the middle of what could be considered a young adult's mid-life-crisis. (Currently, I don't like this person.) But even when everything changes, we keep going.

"...life doesn't stop for anybody." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So, life doesn't stop. Neither do we. We never stop learning, doing, breathing, thinking, living.
And this is what I've learned while I've not stopped in the last year:

1. Family is the most important thing that you will ever have, other than your faith. So, get to know them, if you don't. Lose the attitude - your parents actually do know more than you. Make use of their knowledge. They've lived longer than you. Also, find another model-figure for your life and make use of their knowledge. Usually someone who hasn't lived with you for the last 18 years has a different perspective. Also, family is not limited to blood-relatives. Some of my family members are sunday-school teachers from 3rd grade. Some are co-workers. Some are my mom's clients that I cat-sit for. And then there's my church. (which personally I think can be a little weird, because it's like: assuming everyone in this building has accepted Christ...um, they're all my bro's and sista's....sorry, what was your name? I don't think we've met..." And it's also weird when those people know your name because you're on the worship team, but then you're like "actually I don't recognize you at all....I was probably looking at my music..."). Basically, EMBRACE YOUR FAMILY.
2. You can't change people. You can only change yourself, your reactions, your responsibilities. So, if you don't like something that you can't change, change your reaction. for example: this spring i had an incident with the director of the play that i was providing music for. she felt that i wasn't putting enough effort into the music (when in reality i was putting in as much effort as i could muster). I had to tell her that i was doing that, but in order for me to do any better, i was going to need HER support, and the music director's support too. and then, rather than being really mad at her (because i really wanted to be mad at her) i decided that she was stressed about the play and the deadlines in it, and i was stressed about the same, and the only thing i could do was be nice to her. and you know what? it worked. the more understanding i tried to be, the less angry i felt with her and the easier it was for me to put more effort into the music. 
3. Treat others as you would like to be treated. (And don't be a two-year-old and be mean. Be decent. It will be returned to you.)
4. Make new friends. This one, I think, is critical. Usually, we spend most of the first 18 years of our life surrounded by familiar faces: friends that we grew up with from childhood, family, people from church, etc. I think we have a tendency to harden our abilities to meet new people, thus creating cliques (which, if you have ever been on the outside of a clique, is actually very painful). So when a new face shows up at bible study, introduce yourself. When you see a new family at church, or at a gathering, or WHATEVER, go say hi. (I know: this is coming from the introvert. But I'm not entirely hopeless. I have at least 3 friendships that are new as of the beginning of the year.) WARNING: if you are in a clique and you do this, you might lose your place...just sayin'.
5. Clothing does not wash itself. (I had to put this one in.) I have never been good at doing laundry. I put a load in the washer, and then forget about it for two days. Thankfully, I've been getting better about not leaving it for days at a time, but in the process have developed another habit: waiting to wash the clothes until I have none left to wear. DON'T DO THIS. Because chances are, you'll choose to do laundry on the very day that everyone else in your living quarters chooses to do laundry. And then that results in laundry wars. (*ahem*, underwear helmets and laundry basket shields.....be sure to remove all cameras from premises so as to avoid blackmailing material...)
6. Get a job, and learn how to love it, even when you hate it. Currently, I'm not totally in love with my job, because I'm learning that everyone in the world does not wish for bubblegum, rainbows and unicorns. But, the paycheck makes up for it. And I have awesome hours. So basically it balances itself out.
7. Have fun. Literally. For a couple months after I graduated, it was like I was still in school. Always busy, always doing something. And then things slowed down. This last month or so, even though I'm still really busy, I've been focusing more on doing things I enjoy - like staying up until 2 a.m. reading. Or going for walks with my mom. Or going to a movie with my sister. Or just meeting a friend for coffee. (I LOVE coffee dates.) Or Skyping with people halfway around the world. Slow down a little, enjoy what you do.
8. Be YOU. I know you've heard this before, but I cannot stress it enough. This is your life. More particularly, this is your first year on your own. (Yeah, I know, it's freaky.) So you get do change the things you don't like about yourself, and nourish the parts that you do like. You get to take that clay that your parents have spent 18 years centering and shaping (not details yet, just form) and you get to start saying "I like that, lets add a little detail. I like this, lets put some in here. And...oh GOODNESS we need to get rid of that..." You get to shape yourself, and let God shape you. It's really awesome.
9. Laugh at yourself. No kidding, here. I used to get super stressed out and then the tiniest little thing would set me off and I would either turn into the Hulk, or run sobbing to my room. SERIOUSLY let it go. When you mess up, LAUGH. It makes the situation that much less painful, and everyone else around doesn't get a ruined day.
10. Find something you love about yourself. EXAMPLE: I have great legs. No, really. I LOVE my legs, especially when I work out and they are semi-tan. Also, I love that I'm an introvert. I mean, yeah it can be a little bit of a problem when I have to be around people...but when I DON'T have to be around people its really awesome because then I'm this super low-maintenance person. When you start looking for something you like, you get to know yourself better. It's really interesting, because it basically goes like this: "Lets see....what do I like about myself....OOH! I like that. But what's that? Ugh...gross. I think that needs to go. So, trashcan where are yo- OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THIS LOVELINESS where has that been? has it been hidi- have you been hiding all this time? THAT IS SO COOL!!!"

*ahem*
or something like that.
10 things in 1 year. I've probably learned more. I've probably learned more important ones. But I've probably also forgotten them.
These are the ones I remembered. These are the ones that are important to me.
so what did you learn this last year?  what do you remember? what's important now? You should totally tell me about it in the comment section! :D

10 summer foods...a la favori

Source

I'm a foodie. These are my top ten favorite summer foods.
Okay, enough said.
LET'S EAT.

1. Watermelon. I'm fairly certain I could live off of watermelon.
2. Grilled Chicken. *ahem* My father makes THE. BEST. GRILLED. CHICKEN. EVER.
3. Iced Tea. not sweet iced tea (although I have had that and DANG it's good) but my mother's honey-bush sun tea, loose-leaf and slow-steeped. it's lovely.
4. Tomatoes. particularly the orange tiny ones from the garden.
5. Zucchini. You will hate me for this one. But really, I LOVE zucchini: it's really versatile: very simple and yummy just by itself, but can also be used in other more complex dishes. not to mention we have a ton of it growing out of our garden so we really have to like it.
6. Granola, applesauce, and milk. it's like cereal. I always used to put applesauce in my cereal. And now that we can't have cereal...we use granola.
7. Cheese. Guys - GUYS: Yogurt Cheese. They actually make it out of yogurt. It's softer than regular cheese, and I've tried the garlic-and-herb and the vegetable versions. both are simply amazing.
8. S'mores. (seriously, is it even summer without them?) And these are a feat, because until about a month ago we didn't think we could get s'mores or graham crackers without gluten in them. BUT WE CAN... so, salute to s'mores.
9. Coke Life. because it's soda that lex and I can drink. and BONUS it comes in glass bottles so YAY we get to look cool.
10. PB2. It's peanut butter, but dried, so just add water. it's amazing. enough said. 

Food...what would life be without it? Plus, you know, Jesus liked food too. (John 21:5) I feel justified in my obsession. To learn more about my said obsession, check out my other blog (which is posted on at my leisure...*ahem* as in, whenever i feel like it.) here :D. Now go eat summer food!

hello, you

hello you
bright eyes
and crinkles around your lips when you smile


hello you
laying there
I can barely see you
beneath the care
the carefulness
that might kill you


hello you
beautiful thing
broken, hurting, dying, beautiful


hello you
brave one
tightly holding my hand
I don't feel brave
holding yours
but your eyes say
I want to stay but I know I won't
and don't be afraid
































































hello you
you left courage behind
can we pick it up?
can we use it ourselves?


hello you
I wonder how long it will last
how long we will have you
how long it will be
before we beg for mercy
not for us but for you


hello you
why do you leave?
why do you get to escape?
why do you wish to stay?
there are better things out there.


hello you
dedicated one
who wishes to grow old with us
you don't have to stay
you don't have to be dedicated to us
do something for yourself
we will try to understand


hello you
writing down your words
in that careful, strong hand
I wonder how much you can hide in that
big big heart

hello you
why do you have to make it so hard
so hard to let go
so hard to let things be
so hard to not get old
so hard to be brave
because you have set the standard
for bravery and courage
and what fear looks like
which isn't you


hello you
you made it the hardest thing
to say goodbye


hello you
I didn't know you
I didn't know what you liked
I just know that you laughed at your kids
and smiled at your husband
and were simply you


hello, you
not much left
to do
or be
or say
except for three things
we have to do
the letting go and moving on
which will take awhile
we have to be
sorry
that you had to go


hello you
i want to say hello you forever
but i can't
i have to say
goodbye you

ma mere

I think my mom is the greatest.
Even on mother's day, she's doesn't stop. She keeps going. I try to help, try to get her to sit down and relax. Come on, Lexy, unload the dishwasher...Mom, you go sit down and relax.
But she doesn't. Let me make dinner for you, I say. But she's out in the garden, madly weeding and planting and planning, reading books on health and juicing and her new blender. She's thinking about Lexy's graduation. She isn't stopping.
When I have a meltdown (an untimely one) and question the existence of the universe, she doesn't say It's mothers day...leave me alone. let's talk about this later...I'm too tired. She sits with me, and listens, and closes her eyes. She looks like she's sleeping, but somehow, I feel like she's praying too. She wishes me the best, and tells me that its okay, that I just need to trust. That we aren't supposed to get WHY God did everything he did...that we just need to live, and know that he loves us. that he knows. it baffles me, but she prays, and I feel a little better.
She watches me. When I think I'm not ready, she shows me how far I've come, and how I'm prepared for the next step, even though I don't feel like it.
When I become stagnant, waiting for a wave that's not going to come, she pushes me into the deeper water. She knows I can handle it.
She is herself, but also self-less. Maybe unwillingly. But she's good at it. Is it all the years of practice? Minute after minute after minute of being MOM, that beautiful, hard job of creating and shaping people.
I think it's a title. She is MOM. her name is Melody. but to me, she is MOM. actually, it's beyond a title. It's a job, without the pay, without the appreciation that a volunteer gets. its somehow worth it, sometimes, and sometimes, you can tell that she just wants to run away, because being a mom is hard work. almost not worth it work. almost too hard. but she does it anyway. somehow.
She is the support when I don't have energy. She's the voice in my head, even when she's not in the same room, that repeats the lessons.
even simple stuff, like I before E except after C and when it sounds like A is recorded in my mind in her voice, with the lilt that I can't master. And when I start to color the paper-covered table at bible study, her voice takes me back to 2nd grade when she would read aloud our history lesson of Benjamin Franklin or Leif the Lucky, and we would color the picture that went along with it. Or the fictional geography stories as we colored our 6th grade maps of parts of the world.
She's beautiful. Olive-tan skin, wrinkling at the corners of her mouth when she smiles and in between her eyebrows when she's thinking or upset. The way she waves her hands when she talks, her knuckles sticking out a little, with the strong, light fingernails. Sometimes they have dirt under them, from working in the garden. Her dark hair, evenly sprinkled with silver hairs. She keeps talking about getting it colored and highlighted again, but I like it salt-and-pepper. She's more her that way.
Her quickly-waning obsession with coffee that she has passed on to me and my sisters. She doesn't drink it anymore. Says it gives her hot flashes. But her three daughters love it.
She is my guide to life. She knows so much. Not just academically (she homeschooled one kid from 3rd grade up, and two all the way - K through 12), but spiritually, emotionally, mentally. She knows things that you don't get until you're older. She just knows. You know how God is all-knowing? He gave some of that trait to moms when he made them. Something about having kids kicks in the eyes-in-the-back-of-the-head mechanism. Maybe it's the hormones.
It's intimidating. To have such an incredible role model. I feel like, if I ever have kids, I won't be able to match up to the standard she's set. She's perfect.
I mean, yeah, growing up she made me mad plenty of times. But in hindsight, every time she told me NO, every time she said You need to think twice about what you're wearing, who you're hanging out with, the media you're choosing....she did it all in love. She wanted me to be the best that I could be, and she was - and is - going to do everything she can to make sure that I have the opportunity to be that.
It's nice to have that. Someone always in your corner. Between God and my Mom, I'm set. I can do anything with them on my side. so, yeah - Happy Mother's Day to the best mom in the whole world. You are incredible. You have such patience (with me and everyone else), such depth that is hard to find in people now days. You are an awesome walking buddy, and you listen when I talk, even when I'm just spouting nonsense. You hold me when I cry over spilled milk, or the irrelevant equivalent of that. You are a Mom. and that's the coolest thing ever.
I love you.



December is my thankful month:

Normally, posts like this one come mid-November. You know, “I’m thankful for…” because Thanksgiving is coming and that’s what you DO at Thanksgiving: you GIVE THANKS. (And eat. You eat too.)

However, my time clock for getting things done runs about 22.67 days after everyone else’s. So, technically this post is on time, for me.

Also, December is my thankful month. I have the reminder from Thanksgiving to be thankful, my birthday, Christmas, and New Years (which makes me think about everything that happened that year), all within 45 days. I have a LOT to be thankful for.

Of course, I’m thankful for bunches more than what has appeared below. But these are the ones that have stood out to me in the last 24 hours. (And the ones that I had pictures of.)

 ---

The fog outside: I honestly cannot remember the last time we had fog in December. I bet the photographers are having a field day. (Like me! Although I’m lazy about my field days. This was taken from my porch, in my pajamas.)

This girl: my sis, one of my few best friends. (The heck with having one; that makes things complicated. I have two! J) She’s just generally awesome!

My dog: you know that song by Carrie Underwood? “…the more boys I meet, the more I love my dog…”?? It’s a lot like that.

My little niece, and her mom and dad…(the goofballs). Joelle thinks the ceiling fan is pretty cool.

The mountains: every time we go somewhere flat, I think of the mountains. I always feel unprotected and exposed without them.

My mom and dad: I have no idea how they do it, being parents to the terrors Lexy and I are. ;) They really deserve that trip to Mexico.

My piano: Since I have recently discovered that I actually begin experiencing withdrawals without playing it.

Oh, and Christmas. I’M VERY THANKFUL FOR CHRISTMAS. Especially when I think about the real reason we have the presents and the food (the FOOD!), and the lights and decorations, and the MUSIC! These things are all great, but they wouldn’t be anything without the baby in the manger. And that just makes me warm and fuzzy all over.

Have a happy Christmas season!