December is my thankful month (and this year it wasn't easy)

I do this post every year.

Basically what happens is i spend the entirety of November trying to pinpoint exactly what it means to be thankful, and by the time i actually get around to being thankful, its December. This year, it hasn't been easy. There's stuff happening in my world that leaves me exasperated and exhausted and to be honest, i'm the closest i've ever been to buying a plane ticket for Iceland and never coming back.

BUT - i can't do that. So i'm going to try to be thankful, and i'm thinking maybe if i write it out enough, i will begin to actually feel it. Fake it 'til i make it, essentially. These are things that i'm thankful for, that i don't exactly want to be thankful for, but its what i'm dealing with. I'm trying to be thankful in all situations. So this year -

i'm thankful for figurative brick walls that fly up in my face at the last second of a plan. I'm thankful for the trees (again, figurative) that grow up in my way, and that i grow strong cutting them down, or figuring out ways to get around them.

Im thankful that i've had to learn to be independent, that i'm learning to grow up, because i will not, and cannot, be a child forever, however much i wish it.

I'm thankful for community - the kind that you build up from when you were a baby, when its really your parents community, your parents connections, but you get to build off of them, and it really does feel like everyone knows you. (Which - i'm sorry, my desired superpower is invisibility, so having everyone recognize me is my worst nightmare), but it's really helpful because then you let people know - i'm looking for work, i'm looking for someone to apprentice under, i'm looking for support in prayer, i'm looking, looking, looking and i cannot turn over all the rocks by myself.

I'm thankful for realizing that i'm a loner. I mean, i knew i was an introvert. But spending time with people constantly for three months, i realized that i was weaker there. I needed alone time, i needed alone space, i needed alone in order to be me, in order to be my own person, to recognize where my boundaries were and how i needed to strengthen them.

I'm thankful for staying in MT. I thought I wanted to go to OR (i still do) but money doesn't come by me easily (i swear, its a negative magnetic field between us) so going there became not an option. And i was really sad. But then - i came home. And i discovered that there are 11 midwives in a state of 1 million people. i got completely infuriated for 3 days because that's a stupidly low number, and i decided that i was going to become the 12th midwife in MT if it killed me. There's something about staying where you came from - maybe its that community thing i talked about earlier - that gives you an extra measure of confidence. You know where everything is. You know who the people are. You are familiar with it and with people's viewpoints and opinions. Its home. Why wouldn't i stay here?

Basically - i'm thankful for those things that happened this year that took my breath away like i'd been kicked in the gut. Betrayal of life - that's what it felt like. Swimming upstream, hiking through 5 feet of snow, getting vinegar on a wound, accidentally inhaling a lung-full of chlorine water from the pool - we all know how these feel. Like, why me? What have i done to deserve this pain, even though i know i'll live through it?

This year, I'm thankful for the pain. For the frustrations. For the growth. Because that is how we become better versions of ourselves: through struggle. On my "the plan" page, I have this thing about how pearls and diamonds are made. Essentially, through discomfort, and pressure, and time. And this year has been full of those. So i'm choosing to be thankful for that.

God doesn't do anything without a reason. My mom (seriously i missed her waaaay too much. She's another reason i'm SUPER thankful to be home) keeps saying to me (and freaking me out because 10 years in the future scares me) "i wonder how this will affect you 10 years down the road?" And that's made me think about all of what's happened and how i'm going to let it affect me. Will i let it make me bitter and turn me away from my goal? or will it make me stronger, and more able?

Being thankful wasn't easy this year. The plane ticket would have been easier. (TBH it still is.) But I have little holding me back other than my own hesitations. I have little in front of me other than the problem itself. 

Talk about a perfect set-up for getting this job done.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

Before we get into this: a couple of things.

1. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TOMORROWWWWWW.......#WEARELOUDER AND IZZA GON BE EPIIIC.
2. Because I am going through some major life changes...you know, COLLEGE and MOVING and LIFE WHAAT, I don't know how much I will be able to post on this blog. I'm crying about that, seriously. I am addicted to blogging. So for the new chapter, I'm going to do it as much as I can, but I make no promises on how often. :( *sobs inconsolably*
3. In the works but still: it's time for a revamp. This blog - I love the look, the vibe, etc., but sometimes old parts of life need new coats of paint. (FYI I almost typed "paint" as "pain" like, nooOOO lets keep pain to a minimum please lol.) I'm thinking peachy colors and cute goldfish. Either that or pastel greens and cacti....THOUGHTS? (Seriously please comment. I love you're comments. They show up in my inbox and I'm like, everyone loves me this is great.)

OKAY I'm done --- TO THE POST.

__________________________________________________________________________


Let's face it:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

HA.

I mean, I'm moving to a completely different town in seven days.

I'm going to be learning a trade that, YES I want to be in, but I have NO experience with whatsoever. (It would have been beneficial to have seen a birth and know that I can actually do what I'm doing.)

After three months, I'm moving to YET ANOTHER completely different town that I have never been to AND I'M LIVING THERE FOR A YEAR. (Although this one, how bad can it be, I'm only 50 miles from the ocean. #WIN)

Back to the point EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN DID MY LIFE BECOME AN EXPERIMENT IN HOW MUCH STRESS I'M ABLE TO HANDLE.

I mean come on SADDJLKDFFIOEPUIOUSE K K K K K I'M FINE I SWEAR BUT WHYYYYYYYY.

I'm freaking out. My mom is freaking out. My sisters and dad are freaking out (they don't show it. Nice one, guys). My dog is freaking out (she doesn't know details but she's smart. She's catching on.) My best friend would be freaking out but she has her own worries. I think the worship team is freaking out, but to be honest, in the year and a half that I've played with them I still haven't figured out when they're joking or not.

The stress level is about HERE.

Ya know?

And within this washing machine of emotion and chaos and fingernails-digging-into-the-walls-so-as-to-slow-my-departure....I have incredible peace. I'm doing what God wants me to do. Everything's cool. (Which is super weird because I go from lghjlsdlsdlksGRAAAAARG to oh hey cool bro in about 8.9 seconds. I am THE emotional roller coaster.)

So what I have another 150 meals to make before I leave. So what I don't have housing for when I move in January. So what I don't even know if I'll like midwifery. So what I'm essentially getting up and walking out the door of my previous life and rebuilding it in an unknown location with unknown materials. SO WHAT.

It's ok. It's ok.

Life is an adventure. And I'm realizing more and more what exactly it's about:

Not finding true love. (that's simply a really awesome bonus)
Not being the best person.

Not being happy.

Life isn't a race.
Or a game.
Or a punishment.
Or a reward.
Or something that we do over and over and over
and have absolutely no control over.

We are ALIVE. We are living and breathing and we get to create our world and yeah, usually it's an experiment and a blank page and we have to face this every. single. day. But SO WHAAAAAT.

Do you know how amazing that is?

Like, ok I believe I believe that there is an optimal version of our life that God has given us an opportunity to find.

AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED ABOUT THIS?????

Let me say it another way:

College is not cheap. Even weird college like I'm going to. And yet somehow God has provided every step of the way. He gave me this really awesome job where I was able to sack away 3/4 of my paycheck every month. He made that money multiply. He gave me extra opportunities to house sit and clean and play piano and get paid for it. And I was freaking out about how I was going to make the money to pay for my second semester (first semester $$ came together pretty well) and now I'm looking at my account and guess what? I'M ALREADY HALF WAY THERE.

There's no way I did that.

He did.

I just, like, GAAAAAAHHH
GOD IS SO GOOD.
YA KNOW.
HE LOVES ME AND
HE'S GUIDING ME
AND I JUST CAN'T.

Like, if it's one thing God has shown me through this is that I am so not worthy, and yet I'm his. I'm his kid and he's going "do you trust me to jump into this? I promise that I will catch you and it will be beautiful".

I am overwhelmed. I am freaked out. I am stressed. I am excited. I am nervous. I am listening to sappy soundtrack music that makes me cry. I am terrified. GO READ ISAIAH 40. (Especially verses 11 and 31.)

*MIND. BLOWN.*

End of conversation.

So yeah - I guess what I'm trying to say in this caps-lock-emphasized, loooooong, I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing post....is that He has got you so much more than you realize. And we're talking about the star-breather, breath-giver, pathway-maker, all-knowing, bigger-than-the-universe, ever-present-ever-loving GOD that has got everything. under. control.

So I'm freaking out. And I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And that is totally, completely, underestimatedly and wonderfully good, because it is in those moments that I have no doubt that God is in control of my life, and that is WAAAAAAYYY better than me being in control of my life.

I'm actually glad that I have no idea what I'm doing. Weird. Awesome.

if places were people no.3

I thought you were a shortcut.

You took us the long way 'round.
With stops at every station.
Pauses after every sentence.

We never went
faster than
50 miles an hour.

26 hours is a long time to sit and stare
memorize each other's faces, skin lit up by
dimness of walkway lights, reflecting off the scratched, plastic-y windows.

Maniacal laughing clatter of steel wheel against steel track
annoying complaint of rubber window lining against foggy glass to the outside
Almost distant stubborn stomach grumble of the machine taking us to somewhere

You are that in-between place
That interpretation
That 'please wait while document loads' symbol.

You will always come back
But sometimes you will sleep
And Destination will take your place

Sometimes you will go on holiday
And Preparation will visit
To get us ready for you again.

Sometimes your face will change.
You'll grow a beard, or something else ridiculous will happen,
Like the time your eyes changed colors.
And sometimes I will need to memorize that face
Over again.
Take the journey twice.

Sometimes you don't make sense.
And yet you are almost constant and consistent
But you are nothing twice
You are never the same
You are In-between

We had better get used to it because
Consistent is different than static
And change is different from chaos

And sometimes you will drive the train backwards
And north will be west
And east will be south.

And I don't mind.
I love you very much, more than I thought I would,
Because I thought you were a shortcut, someone
I could pass by without a second glance
And you very much weren't.

Which is to say
I like your scenic routes better.

In-between is nice.
Even though it is the definition of patience
and You never had a dictionary.

Which is to say
I thought you were a shortcut
And you showed me the world
And stole my calendar
And my time
And my heart
And now,
I live for the limbo
The in-between
The changing
The unexpected hairpin curve that says
Pay attention.
You don't have time for second glances.
You may not come this way again.

(WHAAAAATTTT. Yeah. Hi. I'm not dead or anything I just haven't posted in FOREVER. Sorry 'bout that. But anyway, if you're interested, the idea for this one was from the train trip we took last October. Fun stuff. LOVE Y'ALL. I'm going to post again soon so stay tuned.)

(ANOTHER NOTE BECAUSE I FORGET THINGS: remember last year when i did that blogtober series? I NEVER DID DAY 18 (the horror) but it was supposed to be "This week I..." and really, that week before the 18th i had gone on a train trip, which is what this post was based on. basically: i finally finished blogtober and its july. isn't that great?)

if places were people. no. 2

Just allow me this moment to say that I LOVE THESE PICTURES THAT I TOOK and also a warning to prep yourself for another rather sad people/places analogy/rant. #sorrynotsorry 

our lane. as in, yours and mine.

open and honest, the towering brown rabbit of a house nested against a row of ponderosas,

three of them a three-headed dog.

if you follow where the driveway points, an arm into the wilderness

you end up in the stream-bottom, hidden heart of the wood, 

wandering water trickling down from a lake 30 miles away, 30 years up the canyon.

you end up in an aspen grove with a random pond 

in the middle where we don’t ice skate in the winter

because we don’t know if it freezes and none of us are brave enough to find out.

none of us want to be eaten by water.

you have to walk down a hill to get there. 

it’s the same hill we go sledding on in winter, dangerous, 

like an angry boyfriend, but alluring in the same way. 

you have to take a 6-foot sidestep to avoid the sister of a bush with inch-long thorns.

around all this are the fatherly fields, that take away the view of the highway and when you lean

down it looks like the grass stems have been dipped in gold-making water, 

except the water is the sky and it's blue as eyes, blue as ice.

and even beyond that are the step-mother mountains, protective, leaning in to eavesdrop your secrets,

passing them on to the wild animals that snicker in the night. 

the mountains where snow shows up in september 

and doesn’t leave until june 

the very heart of them is ice and 

you know that if you started walking through them, 

if you tried to leave, you’d never reach the other side.

and if you look at where the mountains start and 

follow the pointed ears and the pointed hair 

up up up up and over 

until you reach the pointed ears and pointed hair 
on the other side with a playpen for the sun and moon and stars in between, 

where geese dip their wings in the spring and fall
clouds parade and wander and fight 

you swear that if you look hard enough the blue of the sky turns into the blue of the sea

the whispers of the wind gossips that live in the trees turn into 

lullabies of sea goddesses and gold grass turns to gold sand 

but either way you know that if you started walking through the mountains or you started flying

through the sky or the sea 

either way you know that you won’t make it out the other side.

and you know that if you did, if you did start walking or flying, and you changed your mind 

half-way, and you started walking back, 

the damage would be done. 

your stepmother would be broken and old, and your father wouldn’t be gold grass covered anymore,

he would be simply dirt and the few remnants of brown field, 

and the sister thorn bush would be gone and the boyfriend would be married to the stream 

and let’s face it:          if you leave now it will never be the same.

NOTE TO SELF: fifteen

last one, guys. :) don't stop looking for the little lessons. 

NOTE TO SELF: fourteen

This. This idea: to not let things get to you. figure out who you are, and what you contain, and then just learn from everything else. let it flow through you, but don't bottle it up. you don't have to process everything. sometimes you just have to let it run by like an icy stream on a summers day. it bubbles and pulls at your feet but you stand there. you don't let it affect you other than to let it make your bones ache and your skin cool and remind you that you are alive, and you are who you are.

MOVING ON:

guys. i am the worst. blogger. ever.

i just up and leave and decide to drop by to post these notes....

YES I AM FEELING GUILTY FOR LEAVING YOU HERE WITH NOTHING TO READ.
(on the other hand i'm kinda half tempted to be like what? go fend for yourself! i'm totally not responsible for your blogger feed being full and up-to-date. i won't do that though, because i know the feeling of an empty blog feed. *so sad*

me feeling guilty, the lack of posts here, this is soon to change. (translation: if i don't sit down and write soon, my brain and my fingers are going to run away on permanent vacation to the Bahamas and then where would we be?) (Answer: we would still be here, in montana, with semi-gorgeous weather and a 3.7 mile long to-do list buried underneath a full-time job and the incessant craving for coffee that i have tried (and failed) valiantly to curb.) (and we would so much rather be in the Bahamas, now wouldn't we?)

two more NOTE TO SELF posts, and then Kate at the Goodness Revolt has graciously offered to let me guest post on her blog about said note to self series. (i am equally terrified and thrilled. i've never guest posted anything before, so i'm getting that jittery feeling in my gut that happens when i go over to someone's house for the first time and all i can think is i really hope i don't break anything.) (wait. can you break things on blogs?) (*worrying intensifies*)

WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

after this....I have absolutely no idea what i'm doing.

(other than the if places were people series because i've got some sparking ideas for that.)

this is gonna be great.

NOTE TO SELF: twelve

NOTE TO SELF: eleven

NOTE TO SELF: ten

this is me freaking out about a book

guys.

i am a bookworm.

a starving bookworm, but a bookworm all the same.

it has been entirely too long since i have sat down and devoured pages simply for the devouring pages.

maybe i've just been hibernating from reading. (bookworms do that, you know.)

guess what woke me up.

GUESS.

THIS woke me up.

ERMAGERD....ITS HERE.

i have waited for this book...SO LONG.

the rest of the series is good. its about good vs. bad, superheros and villians and secrets and hidden identities and there's even a really adorable romance. GO READ THE FIRST TWO and then we can squeal over the third installation together.


(not to mention THE COVERS ARE GORGEOUS. #dying)

NOTE TO SELF: seven

NOTE TO SELF: three

so for all y'all that are confused by this, see Kate's post here. its actually about working out but the part about going mental really got through to me on different levels. plus, her blog in general rocks my world. check it out.

NOTE TO SELF: the sticky notes series

i am feeling SO overwhelmed.

i love to blog. really really really love to blog. i would do this all day every day if i could make a living off it.

unfortunately i can't.

so - i'm cutting down. you may have noticed already that i'm not posting as much as i have been. (october was kind of a post overload...so aside from that.) i want my blogging to be real - not just something i pump out every once in a while because i feel like i should keep this up.

i want to post the highlights. the stuff that sticks.
old stuff that i love, new things i think are awesome.

things i would change, things i love and hate at the same time.

i would love to have red hair.
i fail at bible time but its a new years resolution to remedy that.
as much as it tries to kill me, i want to start running.
and i want to look at the good things.
i want to learn the little things and remember them.

i therefore introduce to you:

i will be doing two series at the same time. Note to Self as they come, and then If Places Were People every other week.

Note to Self  will be the little lessons that i learn that i don't want to forget. these lessons are actually written in my horrid handwriting on my bedroom walls, but i want to share them with you.

because somedays we just need little sticky notes that say it's gonna be okay.

I may not post as much. but hopefully these posts will be less of me blabbering and more of
look what i learned today! what do you think? 

plus - you know - these are probably gonna be on canva things so AWESOMENESS.

stay tuned, lovelies.

tuesday morning

and some days you can't really do much except make a thing on canva and hope for the best. 

happy tuesday! :) (it feels like a monday though....)

xoxo

Sami 

Adventure is out there

Adventure is out there, I tell myself as I step into solidly cold wind 

wee hours of the morning, not enough coffee and a heavy suitcase.

Light heart. Anticipatory, open brain.

Adventure is out there, I say, as I leave my bag with the man and his cart, up the steps into the cylindrical tube that will be hurtling me through the air 600 miles every hour

6 miles up there.

6 miles. I can't even run that far.

I am a fifth of a century old and I have never flown in an airplane. 

I'm beginning to hate the Wright brothers. What is wrong with horse and carriage?

What is wrong with car? Train? Roller skating? Land travel is SO MUCH SAFER. 

But no. Onto the plane. Into my seat.

Seatbelt, even though we won't be leaving the ground for another twenty minutes.

Breath. Adventure is out there

The words chasing my terror around my head,

Children in a game of tag.

Terror? ...pretty sure that's what that is.

Adventure is out there

Black dawn yawning hungrily at me through tiny window.

Adventure is out there

Taxiing down the runway

Adventure is out there 

Engine noise overpowers all other senses until it is all I know.

Adventure is out there

Heart and stomach switching places with my esophagus and 

Tongue turning to sandpaper

Adventure is out there

Lights flicker

Adventure is out there

Plane begins to tilt

Wheels begin to lift

I think for a moment that there is no way that we will not crash, tail over wings

27 casualties, 48 wounded, remainder of passengers and crew in critical condition

Adventure is out there

Mocking me from its seat belted position in my brain

Adventure is out there

Wheels lift off the ground and 

Adventure is out there, in the air:

WE ARE FLYING.

Two airports later (one landing, one takeoff, one landing later - let's face it: the landings feel like roller coaster rides gone wrong) - we have arrived on time.

We have arrived alive,

We have nurtured my traveling soul we have located our taxi and obtained coffee

We have moved forward in control

Confident travelers.

Our bus fills with smoke.

Nothing to do.

Gauges fine, gas fine, heaters and airconditioning fine

Everything is fine

And yet I can trail my hand through the sunshine lit fumes that swirl plentifully.

We open windows.

We wait, amid flying hair and silent mouths, surrounded by strangers.

We arrive at the hotel, 

70s style room...it has gold light fixtures. 

Rest. 

Before I sleep, before my father wakes me with his dead-raising snore,

Before I cleanse myself of the dirt of travel.

I am haunted, greeted, wrapped in a thought:

Adventure is out there.

But adventure is not always without trouble. Adventure is not always pure. Adventure is not always what we think it will be. Adventure will trick us - 

For that is the essence of adventure: to not know, yet plunge in. 

versus: 2016: factual

sometimes i think the years are at war with one another.

this will be my year i think as i barrel into 2016.

but really, last year was my year too.

it was a stormy year, yes.

if i were a ship, my hull would have holes, 

and my mast would be missing

and there would be tears and 

repairs needed everywhere.

but it was still a year. 

and one that i learned a lot in.

one that i had favorites in.

and if i did compare them.

if the two did go to war.

i would see that both had merits

and the war would end up being a duel

and the duel would end up being a miss on both ends.

neither would die.

because both were equally valuable.

of the year. what happened?
how did i get to this place
with these things
in this time
with these people

how did i become who i am right now
and what person does that steer me towards becoming.

song:
Wake Me Up - Avicci

quote:
"What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person."
and
"The town was paper, but the memories were not."
- Paper Towns, John Green

"One of the drawbacks about adventures is that when you come to the most beautiful places
you are often too anxious and hurried to appreciate them."
- The Horse and His Boy, C.S. Lewis

lessons learned:
people are meant to be loved, experiences learned from, and issues dealt with. but those don't define me. none of those make me who i am. that essence of myself is bottled up inside me.
i am my own source.
you will never regret being kind.
the world is sometimes a mirror. and sometimes you are a mirror. and you have to figure out which one is which, and which one is right.

important dates:
September 27, 2015: I got baptized! (The river was cold. AH.)
August 14, 2015: Baby Niece Eliza Marie is born!!
aaand sometime in December I applied for a midwifery school. still waiting to hear whether i've been accepted...but i'm super excited!

highlights:
train trip (i love to travel. period, end of story.)

down lows: 
bad things happen in life. Basically the last half of 2015 sucked. The worst part is that even though we're pulling through, things are never the same as they once were. and, i mean, life is about change. and i get that. but sometimes i just want things to be like when i was 6 years old and my biggest worry is if i'd picked up enough books at the library. that'd be good.

new things: 
possibly going to midwifery school
we got kittens
Eliza
i am making a goal to fully absorb and apply lessons i learn. even the little stuff.
(first one of 2016 is "The first words out of my mouth should be lovely ones.")

continuing things:
i feel like 2015 and 2016 are sort of mashed together (which is really bugging me because i like my years to be separate.) so i guess you could say that this "section" of my life is continuing.
piano. (duh.) writing/blogging. (also duh.) exercise. (did i ever even start?) love for travel. (i plan to do A LOT more of that this year.)

word:
immersion: noun; deep mental involvement; 
baptism by immersing a person bodily (but not necessarily completely) in water.   
Origin: late 15th century: from late Latin immersio(n-), from immergere ‘dip into’. 

things i'll never do again:
a Hamilton Playhouse Production (not because i don't love them, because i do. but #stress #ilikemylipswithoutcoldsores #justno #sorry). I love theatre. i just don't love being almost solely responsible for the background music.
train travel. because as much as i love travel, by train is just not the best. there's a post about that.

verse:
"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him." 2 Corinthians 5:6-9

So YAY for 2016. may it be filled with lessons, and quotes, and good moments. may it shine, may it be worth it. may we learn much and be full and fill others. may 2016 be good. may 2016 be a year of peace, not war. may we be peace-lovers, smoothing over the rocky spots in our paths, helping others over the obstacles of life. may we be nice. may we be lovely. may we be. 

music dances

(credit for this glorious peice of art goes to Kelaiah Horat...check out her stuff here.)

i am convinced that music is

wispy fragrant noise

slipping in through the minds door-lock

to dance with the soul

sometimes huddled in a grieving sway

sometimes wrapped in white and crowned with flowers pirouetting around our hearts

sometimes tempting us into a jig

and if we truly love the music

then nothing we do

can stop the dance

that is music

its irresistible tide.

----------

here's to dancing through 2016. enjoy it, people.

authentic

have you ever gone shopping for something specific?
and as you're looking, you find that something specific, but its one of the originals.
its authentic.
its old, but still usable and still loved.
it might not be perfect
but who cares?
its the real thing.

the same goes for people.
i've watched girls tear themselves apart
because they weren't beautiful
skinny
cute
funny
smart
dating someone
liked by all

the thing is
usually they are.
they are always the most loved, they have the cutest figures
they are the most confident and the most funny
they are able to figure out the problems or they know how to work around them.

somewhere in the last 20 years, we've started lying to ourselves.
i did it.
i lied to myself.
years of i'm not worth it.
so what, i'm smart. i've got pretty hair.
so what. i'm nothing.

and then i caught a glimpse of myself in
someone else's mirror.

and i didn't see someone who wasn't worth it.
i saw someone who was accurately outpriced.

i saw someone who was unique, authentic.
there were some chips and scratches,
but i was real. there was some old paint where i had tried to
cover up qualities that were actually good.
scratch that off, and suddenly,
i was worth a lot.

being me, rather than covering myself up,
hiding myself away
that old thing? oh, its nothing...
screw that.
i'm fabulous.

and you know what? you are too.
girl, you are fabulous.
join the club.
your body rocks.
your smile, your face. 
dude. your face is AWESOME.

the way you smile, the way you laugh,
your sense of humor - screw your grades, they don't really matter -
dating is overrated and i'd bet you my bank account that everyone likes you. (or almost everyone. there's always that 20% that doesn't, but that's their loss, not yours).
girl, you are adorable. you are loved.
you are wonderful beyond all comparison.

and you know why?
its because you are authentic. 
there's only one of you.
there's only one Sami.
only one Lexy
Hannah, Elisa, Abbiee, Kate, Cait, Taylor, Morgan, Alyssa, Rachelle.
there's only one
Madeline, Anna, Caylen, Keziah, Kelaiah, Abby, Courtney, Sarah, Karissa, Jana, Jill, Noe, Nicole, Randi, Leslie, Elly, Breann, Joelle, Eliza, Sarah, Jessica, Isabella, Nicole, Virginia, Sarah, Lindsey, Emily, Lisa, Allison, Ryann, Annika, Emma, Claire, Alexis, Sabrina, Emilie, Esther, Catherine, Abbey, Lizzy, Pam, Mindy, Serena, Jennifer, Whitney, Jenny, Emma, Katelyn, Katie, Kay, Sara, Alyssa, Zurisadia, Olivia, Tiana, Becca, Dawn, Anna, Heather, Morgan.
there's only one you.
THERE'S ONLY ONE YOU.

only one.

there's you.
there's no two of any of us.

like, that's pretty exciting.
When i meet Allison, she's the only one. WHAT? SO EXCITING.
When i meet Claire - and i start thinking like this - its like CAN I SHAKE YOUR HAND BECAUSE OMG OMG OMG I'M MEETING AN ORIGINAL. SHE'S THE ONLY ONE.
when i meet Morgan - i'll never meet anyone else like her.
i'll never meet anyone with Serena's smile
or Anna's innocence
or Tiana's laugh.
Abbey is the only one with that much fire in her.
Eliza is the only one who giggles like that.
Kelaiah can only play violin and piant and talk and be like Kelaiah.
Courtney can only think like Courtney.
Karissa can only act like Karissa.
Jana can only photograph like Jana.
Whitney can only sing like Whitney.
Kate can only write like Kate.

we are each only ever ourselves. no matter how much you dig and try to hide and try to rebuild yourself - you're you.
and you're the best you that could ever be.

your mind is the flint and your voice the steel
your body the fuel for the fire
if you light it at the right moment,
you can set your whole world on fire
and rule it like the fabulous queen you are.

queens are fabulous.
antiques are valued.
you are fabulous.
you are valued.
you are you.
you are authentic.

Source: Pinterest

62 posts

on this blog, i have posted 62 times in the year of 2015.
Everything from rants and passion
to here's my boring stick-in-the-mud life.

the thing is, so much more has happened.
more than those 62 posts.
broken hearts, broken memories.
slow healing.
laughter that goes on and on until your gut aches.
a goal has been set.
multiple goals, actually.
and boundaries abound,
but our comfort zones have been stretched beyond belief.

i think i thought that life could be summed up.
that we could package life, and even people. and even
events, those summer vacations and
spur-of-the-moment road trips. the year after year of
christmas tree hunting in the woods and countless sledding and skiing days.
but we can't. because those things weren't made to be packaged.
they were meant to sit out, draped over the rocking chair like grandma's quilt.
somehow life wasn't meant to fit in a box. it was meant to spread out and run over everything.
Life isn't poptarts. its microwaved nutella.

but that's how life is best served. warm and gushy.
have you ever had frozen nutella?
worst ever.
frozen life. stuck in ice, no responses, cold and stiff.
what would be the point?

so yes - we'll try to fit life into our blog posts.
we'll try to fit it into a box.
but somehow the smell of sand and slightly damp carpet seeps out through the tape.
somehow, broken pine needles don't do bubble wrap.
somehow, somehow, snow doesn't package.

smiles don't fade in my head but printing out memories make them lose their color.
songs get stuck on replay in our brains even though they make us cry and when we try to record them they come out flat.

i try to type out words but they're two-d.
they're just words.
it seems that all i have to do, though, is read them and the mental images come flooding back, like a re-living of my life.
my eyelids are the screen - on them i can see the flash of red as fireworks go off in the fog.
dad throws up a sparkler and it lands in the snow, turning it neon green for a moment before going black.
lexy waltzing into my room at 5 o'clock christmas morning.
dani making me sit in the dirt so i can sit right in the saddle.
chris and the rubber chocolate cake.
joelle: 'its your happy birthday! its YOUR happy birthday! its your HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
eliza, round body, cooing and making me think that maybe, maybe i could have kids one day.
mom, dragging me along on hiking trips that were my idea and helping me salvage recipes gone wrong. me not having problems with chemistry and she just throws up her hands. me freaking out about basically anything and her say "Sam. CHILL. JUST DO IT. you're only holding yourself back."

and i can't write that on paper.
i can't write any of that on paper.
my mind is absolutely tick tight full of every memory i've ever had.

and i can't get it out.
not on paper.
not on this blog.
i can't recreate the scenes and take pictures.
its stuck in my head.

so yes. i've posted a lot this year.
personally, i feel like i've developed a lot in my writing.
i like my photography.
i'm getting better at arting.
but still -

it lacks that life.
i cannot capture life in my art.
in my writing.
in my pictures.

or maybe i can.
maybe i can and i just can't see it.
because in comparison to the product i see in my head,
the vivid world with so many colors,
in comparison, my output is wan. it is drab and empty.
if only you could see the real thing.

there is a species of shrimp that lives in the ocean. it can see 16 different color cones.
we can see three.
i wonder what that shrimp's world looks like.
it must be vivid.
i wish what i put out there was vivid. 16 color cone vivid.
but its not.
(or maybe i only have 3 color cones.)

i shall continue to write though. i will continue to post.
i will keep snapping photos.
and if next year holds 300 posts instead of 62, well, then grand.
if it only holds 12, that's okay too.

but i must recognise that life is not 2-d.
what we put out might be 2-d.
we probably won't be able to capture essencces. and mists. and 16 different color cones.
but we can capture 3. so why not?
why not do what we can, saturate ourselves in life.
breathe it. right now, its all we have.

December is my thankful month // 2015

http://thejourneyofhere.blogspot.com/2014/12/december-is-my-thankful-month.html

it's true. if i made a list of everything i'm thankful for, it would wrap around the world twice.
and to the moon and back.
it would stretch to the stars, dwarfing the eiffel tower, the burj khalifa
the twin towers and the empire state building.
because i'm thankful for that midwifery school that i'm going to next fall.
i'm thankful that things aren't as bad as they possibly could be.
i'm glad that there are valleys, and there are mountains, but neither last forever.
i'm thankful for my job - its awesome.
i'm thankful for my brain, and my books, and my family, and my dog.
i'm thankful for the new kittens that we got,
and for my legs and my arm and my slightly flabby belly.

i'm thankful that i have reasons to smile,
and reasons to cry
because that means that i'm not heartless, that i care.
i'm thankful that i still play piano.
that the brown box with black and white keys will always wait patiently with that 3 foot stack
of piano books. waiting waiting waiting. never angry at my imperfectly timed and rare practices.
i'm thankful that my older sister created Adorable Baby #2 and said Baby #2 loves me.
of course so does Adorable Baby #1, but #2 loves me more than #1 does, i think. basically, being an aunt is awesome.
i'm thankful that i can write the story that's been bouncing around in my head for five years. i'm thankful that its actually kind of working. and that the writer's blocks only last for a day or two. sometimes a week. but they always go away.

i'm thankful that i am blessed.
i'm thankful that i can and will and have learned a lot about life.
and i'm thankful that i'm turning 20.
which seems really old, but it also seems really young, too. maybe i'm not so thankful about that one.
but still, i'm thankful to be alive, and i'm thankful for all the messes, because somehow, those messes turn into beautiful things. messy people turn into beautiful people.

i'm thankful for the contrast in the world,
the good and the bad.
the where-we-have-been and the where-we-should-be and
the where-we-want-to-go.
because then we know where-we-are-at.
i'm thankful for the differences.
if we didn't have differences we wouldn't have contrast, we wouldn't have balance.

in essence, i'm thankful for life.
even though it can be awful, it can be beautiful, too,
because we have to have the bad to recognize the good.