Friday, August 19, 2016

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

Before we get into this: a couple of things.

1. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TOMORROWWWWWW.......#WEARELOUDER AND IZZA GON BE EPIIIC.
2. Because I am going through some major life changes...you know, COLLEGE and MOVING and LIFE WHAAT, I don't know how much I will be able to post on this blog. I'm crying about that, seriously. I am addicted to blogging. So for the new chapter, I'm going to do it as much as I can, but I make no promises on how often. :( *sobs inconsolably*
3. In the works but still: it's time for a revamp. This blog - I love the look, the vibe, etc., but sometimes old parts of life need new coats of paint. (FYI I almost typed "paint" as "pain" like, nooOOO lets keep pain to a minimum please lol.) I'm thinking peachy colors and cute goldfish. Either that or pastel greens and cacti....THOUGHTS? (Seriously please comment. I love you're comments. They show up in my inbox and I'm like, everyone loves me this is great.)

OKAY I'm done --- TO THE POST.

__________________________________________________________________________


Let's face it:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

HA.

I mean, I'm moving to a completely different town in seven days.

I'm going to be learning a trade that, YES I want to be in, but I have NO experience with whatsoever. (It would have been beneficial to have seen a birth and know that I can actually do what I'm doing.)

After three months, I'm moving to YET ANOTHER completely different town that I have never been to AND I'M LIVING THERE FOR A YEAR. (Although this one, how bad can it be, I'm only 50 miles from the ocean. #WIN)

Back to the point EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN DID MY LIFE BECOME AN EXPERIMENT IN HOW MUCH STRESS I'M ABLE TO HANDLE.

I mean come on SADDJLKDFFIOEPUIOUSE K K K K K I'M FINE I SWEAR BUT WHYYYYYYYY.

I'm freaking out. My mom is freaking out. My sisters and dad are freaking out (they don't show it. Nice one, guys). My dog is freaking out (she doesn't know details but she's smart. She's catching on.) My best friend would be freaking out but she has her own worries. I think the worship team is freaking out, but to be honest, in the year and a half that I've played with them I still haven't figured out when they're joking or not.

The stress level is about HERE.

Ya know?

And within this washing machine of emotion and chaos and fingernails-digging-into-the-walls-so-as-to-slow-my-departure....I have incredible peace. I'm doing what God wants me to do. Everything's cool. (Which is super weird because I go from lghjlsdlsdlksGRAAAAARG to oh hey cool bro in about 8.9 seconds. I am THE emotional roller coaster.)

So what I have another 150 meals to make before I leave. So what I don't have housing for when I move in January. So what I don't even know if I'll like midwifery. So what I'm essentially getting up and walking out the door of my previous life and rebuilding it in an unknown location with unknown materials. SO WHAT.

It's ok. It's ok.

Life is an adventure. And I'm realizing more and more what exactly it's about:

Not finding true love. (that's simply a really awesome bonus)
Not being the best person.

Not being happy.

Life isn't a race.
Or a game.
Or a punishment.
Or a reward.
Or something that we do over and over and over
and have absolutely no control over.

We are ALIVE. We are living and breathing and we get to create our world and yeah, usually it's an experiment and a blank page and we have to face this every. single. day. But SO WHAAAAAT.

Do you know how amazing that is?

Like, ok I believe I believe that there is an optimal version of our life that God has given us an opportunity to find.

AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED ABOUT THIS?????

Let me say it another way:

College is not cheap. Even weird college like I'm going to. And yet somehow God has provided every step of the way. He gave me this really awesome job where I was able to sack away 3/4 of my paycheck every month. He made that money multiply. He gave me extra opportunities to house sit and clean and play piano and get paid for it. And I was freaking out about how I was going to make the money to pay for my second semester (first semester $$ came together pretty well) and now I'm looking at my account and guess what? I'M ALREADY HALF WAY THERE.

There's no way I did that.

He did.

I just, like, GAAAAAAHHH
GOD IS SO GOOD.
YA KNOW.
HE LOVES ME AND
HE'S GUIDING ME
AND I JUST CAN'T.

Like, if it's one thing God has shown me through this is that I am so not worthy, and yet I'm his. I'm his kid and he's going "do you trust me to jump into this? I promise that I will catch you and it will be beautiful".

I am overwhelmed. I am freaked out. I am stressed. I am excited. I am nervous. I am listening to sappy soundtrack music that makes me cry. I am terrified. GO READ ISAIAH 40. (Especially verses 11 and 31.)

*MIND. BLOWN.*

End of conversation.

So yeah - I guess what I'm trying to say in this caps-lock-emphasized, loooooong, I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing post....is that He has got you so much more than you realize. And we're talking about the star-breather, breath-giver, pathway-maker, all-knowing, bigger-than-the-universe, ever-present-ever-loving GOD that has got everything. under. control.

So I'm freaking out. And I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And that is totally, completely, underestimatedly and wonderfully good, because it is in those moments that I have no doubt that God is in control of my life, and that is WAAAAAAYYY better than me being in control of my life.

I'm actually glad that I have no idea what I'm doing. Weird. Awesome.



16 comments:

  1. YESSS GO SAMI!! so happy for you!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. So excited for you and this new chapter!! Hope to still see you around the blogging world;) Also I love this so freaking much. Like, I have such control issues, but the fact that God is in control and I'm not is such a reassuring thing. My life would be a mess if I was the one in charge of it. XD

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. TRUTH GIRL. :) He gots you.
      And I am still kind of in the blogging world! I've moved to shallower waters lol. Trying to do a post every 2 weeks ish?

      Delete
  3. DUDE. This sounds amazing. sometimes not knowing what your doing is the best thing to be doing. Seeing a birth for the first time sounds fascinating. I say this in a non creepy way... LOL. I have been loving your blog so I am hoping you do post when you can as soon as you can. God bless you on this journey Sami!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. VANESSAAAAA aaaaah thanks girl! I totally get that non-creepy-want-to-see-a-birth thing. Now that I'm at school it's pretty cool because everyone else is in the same boat, so we watch birth videos for breaks and geek out over birth and pregnancy. SO AWESOME.

      Delete
  4. I'm excited for you, Sami:) and also trying not to be selfish because I'm gonna miss you LOTS. You are in the palm of God's hand and I know He will never let you go. <3

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm excited for you, Sami:) and also trying not to be selfish because I'm gonna miss you LOTS. You are in the palm of God's hand and I know He will never let you go. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anna! I'm really missing home right now, but I keep reminding myself and am being reminded of why I'm here! :)

      Delete
  6. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GOD IS SO AWESOME YA KNOW????
    I feel every word of this. Your words are so, so good for my heart :')

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OLIVIA I AM SO GLAD :D seriously. Isn't his plan so good?

      Delete
  7. YAY I JUST DISCOVERED YOUR BLOG BUT I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, HOORAY <3 I understand, I have NO IDEA what I'm doing either :P

    ~Noor
    www.alittlebitofsunshineblog.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HEEEEEY NOOR!!!! Ah - fun fact: I did your blogtober thing last year which was SO FUN :) :) :)
      It's so awesome to just wander through life. LOVE IT.

      Delete
  8. "I'm actually glad that I have no idea what I'm doing. Weird. Awesome." <---- UMM YES.
    Reading this post literally made me so glad. It was so good for me. Woow, I don't even know where to begin.
    OKAY MAYBE HERE. I KINDA RELATE TO THIS A WHOLE LOT. We're moving (well supposed to have moved a month ago ^_^) and it's going really slowly and I've been praying for this for so long... But like you said there's almost a thrill in knowing that an unknown future lies in the hands of an all-knowing God.

    BEST FEELING EVER <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. RIGHT ON GIRL. Ah, that feeling where it's like, you're jumping off a cliff but you can't see the bottom. 8l WHAT. But seriously - good luck and may God guide you on your journey! His plan is so wonderfully good and is so layered with infinite lessons that we can learn from each moment of it! :) <3

      Delete