December is my thankful month (and this year it wasn't easy)

I do this post every year.

Basically what happens is i spend the entirety of November trying to pinpoint exactly what it means to be thankful, and by the time i actually get around to being thankful, its December. This year, it hasn't been easy. There's stuff happening in my world that leaves me exasperated and exhausted and to be honest, i'm the closest i've ever been to buying a plane ticket for Iceland and never coming back.

BUT - i can't do that. So i'm going to try to be thankful, and i'm thinking maybe if i write it out enough, i will begin to actually feel it. Fake it 'til i make it, essentially. These are things that i'm thankful for, that i don't exactly want to be thankful for, but its what i'm dealing with. I'm trying to be thankful in all situations. So this year -

i'm thankful for figurative brick walls that fly up in my face at the last second of a plan. I'm thankful for the trees (again, figurative) that grow up in my way, and that i grow strong cutting them down, or figuring out ways to get around them.

Im thankful that i've had to learn to be independent, that i'm learning to grow up, because i will not, and cannot, be a child forever, however much i wish it.

I'm thankful for community - the kind that you build up from when you were a baby, when its really your parents community, your parents connections, but you get to build off of them, and it really does feel like everyone knows you. (Which - i'm sorry, my desired superpower is invisibility, so having everyone recognize me is my worst nightmare), but it's really helpful because then you let people know - i'm looking for work, i'm looking for someone to apprentice under, i'm looking for support in prayer, i'm looking, looking, looking and i cannot turn over all the rocks by myself.

I'm thankful for realizing that i'm a loner. I mean, i knew i was an introvert. But spending time with people constantly for three months, i realized that i was weaker there. I needed alone time, i needed alone space, i needed alone in order to be me, in order to be my own person, to recognize where my boundaries were and how i needed to strengthen them.

I'm thankful for staying in MT. I thought I wanted to go to OR (i still do) but money doesn't come by me easily (i swear, its a negative magnetic field between us) so going there became not an option. And i was really sad. But then - i came home. And i discovered that there are 11 midwives in a state of 1 million people. i got completely infuriated for 3 days because that's a stupidly low number, and i decided that i was going to become the 12th midwife in MT if it killed me. There's something about staying where you came from - maybe its that community thing i talked about earlier - that gives you an extra measure of confidence. You know where everything is. You know who the people are. You are familiar with it and with people's viewpoints and opinions. Its home. Why wouldn't i stay here?

Basically - i'm thankful for those things that happened this year that took my breath away like i'd been kicked in the gut. Betrayal of life - that's what it felt like. Swimming upstream, hiking through 5 feet of snow, getting vinegar on a wound, accidentally inhaling a lung-full of chlorine water from the pool - we all know how these feel. Like, why me? What have i done to deserve this pain, even though i know i'll live through it?

This year, I'm thankful for the pain. For the frustrations. For the growth. Because that is how we become better versions of ourselves: through struggle. On my "the plan" page, I have this thing about how pearls and diamonds are made. Essentially, through discomfort, and pressure, and time. And this year has been full of those. So i'm choosing to be thankful for that.

God doesn't do anything without a reason. My mom (seriously i missed her waaaay too much. She's another reason i'm SUPER thankful to be home) keeps saying to me (and freaking me out because 10 years in the future scares me) "i wonder how this will affect you 10 years down the road?" And that's made me think about all of what's happened and how i'm going to let it affect me. Will i let it make me bitter and turn me away from my goal? or will it make me stronger, and more able?

Being thankful wasn't easy this year. The plane ticket would have been easier. (TBH it still is.) But I have little holding me back other than my own hesitations. I have little in front of me other than the problem itself. 

Talk about a perfect set-up for getting this job done.

figure it out /// also i'm not dead yet

I'm sitting here trying figure out how it all works.
How i can remember details from my first day here,
like when the iron crackled, it sounded like tires on a dirt road
and then from my fourth week here when we had to drive 20 minutes to find a dirt road
How 'normal' constitutes 97%, but we learn about the non-normal 3% 50% of the time
How i can be so addicted to coffee, and yet i still don't drink it as much as i used to
How twins can share nutrients and still not get equal amounts
How un-matching furniture reminds me of home
How greasy hair and no makeup don't matter anymore because homework dictates all
And 2 am is familiar
And 11 pm is early
And i wear a watch now because i have to be able to take a pulse
And when i eat food that looks like everyone else's they get confused because they think i'm eating what they're eating and half the time i am its just that its my gluten free version, not normal stuff, and that makes them confused they don't get that i'm not gonna change
And how can i be more able to relate to these people even when i
have nothing in common with them
And how the last 4 years of my life were labeled 'waiting'
But 'waiting' is an understatement
That was boot camp
That was training
That was testing and working and patience and art and writing and figuring out pathways and equations that i could lay over situations so i could relate
And how other people didn't get that
And how people don't know that other people think I'm intimidating because i tried really hard on those first few days to be 'out there' and 'open' and 'relatable' because
I knew that if i didn't that would be awk-
ward

But what would have happened if i hadn't figured out step 1
That preparation
Im sitting here trying to figure it out
How to be autonomous
How to be me
And yet how to hollow myself out for more information and more homework and more time
How far can i stretch
And yet how full can i get of God
Because he's here
He's with me
And he is quite possibly the most tangible when I open one of my textbooks and see a photo
Of a condition
That a baby or mother can get
And lets face it
I wonder when the nightmares will hit of those photographs
And i wonder whether this was planned
Or whether this was result of falling
And I wonder if God cries when he sees this

And i think of all the good this will do
All this current preparation
The info being stocked away in my brain,
To pin together as more comes in.
I think of those far-off places with
Bad outcomes of birth and life and death and
How there is such hatred, and such sorrow
And what good it will do

And others say
'That place scares me'
And i'm right there with them
But i see that complication,
And those definitely-not-anatomical figures crossing the surface of the world,
And i see the mountains that make mine seem like pebbles next to a boulder
And the oceans that make the lake seem like a raindrop next to a fountain
And i see God and how he gave us the chance to be pain free

but how that
didn't
happen

I see those places and let me tell you
They scare me too

But i want to help
The pain
Because it doesn't stop at my world
It doesn't stop at the edge of my sight
And my world is a fraction of a fraction of a sliver
Of the whole world

And i know that.

And though i may not be able to take the pain away
I can give them hope of eventually being pain free
And the immediate choice of joy
And when i see that option
It seems gigantically more helpful than
Not doing anything at all

So scared or not
Figured out or not
Friends or not
Or financially supported or not
Or not
Or yes
Then yes.
I've figured that out.

WHOOOOOOO OKEEAY. I'm not dead.
And that is a terrible rough draft. BUT I HAD TO WRITE SOMETHING.
Mostly this is just me spouting bc i have no time and homework is already glaring at me but
NEWS: i got twitter. Although in my defense i am a student midwife so sometimes i use body words that may be considered offensive to some people but they're just part of my profession so basically just be warned. Also in my defense i'm pretty hilarious so #bonus. (First post, my roommates and I created a fictional roommate that we are gonna try to sell to pay for our schooling....is that even legal?) Follow me @roommateforsale (yes that is my twitter name thingy. It was late and i was unimaginative.)

ALSO NEWS:
remember that time that i told you that i didn't have anything past December figured out.
That's still a thing.
And December (or January...whatever) is rapidly approaching. SO PRAYER WOULD BE EPICALLY APPRECIATED. BC I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. SO YEAH.

AND NEWS #3: im gonna do a world dump soon. (Me + moving + school + new place + independence = new experiences that i desperately need to write about and a lot of terribly grainy iphone photos.)
I've been at midwifery school for 4 weeks and i have learned so much....and theres 8 weeks left.....and there is so much cool stuff here but the lack of both mountains and ocean makes it kinda lame. I mean cool, but no.

YA'LL ARE AMAZING. Is anyone even still reading this? I'm so confused........at what point to blogs just automatically get erased from the internet bc their authors are negligent students who don't have time to blog anymore. (#CRY)

Love ya'll....hang in there.
Life may not always be good, but that doesn't mean there isn't beautiful bits along the way.

Xoxo
Sami

P.s. I am terribly sorry for the quality of this post. The grammar is awful and i'm probably going to go back over this in about three weeks and want to kill myself for even considering posting it. 

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING

Before we get into this: a couple of things.

1. SOMETHING IS HAPPENING TOMORROWWWWWW.......#WEARELOUDER AND IZZA GON BE EPIIIC.
2. Because I am going through some major life changes...you know, COLLEGE and MOVING and LIFE WHAAT, I don't know how much I will be able to post on this blog. I'm crying about that, seriously. I am addicted to blogging. So for the new chapter, I'm going to do it as much as I can, but I make no promises on how often. :( *sobs inconsolably*
3. In the works but still: it's time for a revamp. This blog - I love the look, the vibe, etc., but sometimes old parts of life need new coats of paint. (FYI I almost typed "paint" as "pain" like, nooOOO lets keep pain to a minimum please lol.) I'm thinking peachy colors and cute goldfish. Either that or pastel greens and cacti....THOUGHTS? (Seriously please comment. I love you're comments. They show up in my inbox and I'm like, everyone loves me this is great.)

OKAY I'm done --- TO THE POST.

__________________________________________________________________________


Let's face it:

I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

HA.

I mean, I'm moving to a completely different town in seven days.

I'm going to be learning a trade that, YES I want to be in, but I have NO experience with whatsoever. (It would have been beneficial to have seen a birth and know that I can actually do what I'm doing.)

After three months, I'm moving to YET ANOTHER completely different town that I have never been to AND I'M LIVING THERE FOR A YEAR. (Although this one, how bad can it be, I'm only 50 miles from the ocean. #WIN)

Back to the point EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN DID MY LIFE BECOME AN EXPERIMENT IN HOW MUCH STRESS I'M ABLE TO HANDLE.

I mean come on SADDJLKDFFIOEPUIOUSE K K K K K I'M FINE I SWEAR BUT WHYYYYYYYY.

I'm freaking out. My mom is freaking out. My sisters and dad are freaking out (they don't show it. Nice one, guys). My dog is freaking out (she doesn't know details but she's smart. She's catching on.) My best friend would be freaking out but she has her own worries. I think the worship team is freaking out, but to be honest, in the year and a half that I've played with them I still haven't figured out when they're joking or not.

The stress level is about HERE.

Ya know?

And within this washing machine of emotion and chaos and fingernails-digging-into-the-walls-so-as-to-slow-my-departure....I have incredible peace. I'm doing what God wants me to do. Everything's cool. (Which is super weird because I go from lghjlsdlsdlksGRAAAAARG to oh hey cool bro in about 8.9 seconds. I am THE emotional roller coaster.)

So what I have another 150 meals to make before I leave. So what I don't have housing for when I move in January. So what I don't even know if I'll like midwifery. So what I'm essentially getting up and walking out the door of my previous life and rebuilding it in an unknown location with unknown materials. SO WHAT.

It's ok. It's ok.

Life is an adventure. And I'm realizing more and more what exactly it's about:

Not finding true love. (that's simply a really awesome bonus)
Not being the best person.

Not being happy.

Life isn't a race.
Or a game.
Or a punishment.
Or a reward.
Or something that we do over and over and over
and have absolutely no control over.

We are ALIVE. We are living and breathing and we get to create our world and yeah, usually it's an experiment and a blank page and we have to face this every. single. day. But SO WHAAAAAT.

Do you know how amazing that is?

Like, ok I believe I believe that there is an optimal version of our life that God has given us an opportunity to find.

AM I THE ONLY ONE EXCITED ABOUT THIS?????

Let me say it another way:

College is not cheap. Even weird college like I'm going to. And yet somehow God has provided every step of the way. He gave me this really awesome job where I was able to sack away 3/4 of my paycheck every month. He made that money multiply. He gave me extra opportunities to house sit and clean and play piano and get paid for it. And I was freaking out about how I was going to make the money to pay for my second semester (first semester $$ came together pretty well) and now I'm looking at my account and guess what? I'M ALREADY HALF WAY THERE.

There's no way I did that.

He did.

I just, like, GAAAAAAHHH
GOD IS SO GOOD.
YA KNOW.
HE LOVES ME AND
HE'S GUIDING ME
AND I JUST CAN'T.

Like, if it's one thing God has shown me through this is that I am so not worthy, and yet I'm his. I'm his kid and he's going "do you trust me to jump into this? I promise that I will catch you and it will be beautiful".

I am overwhelmed. I am freaked out. I am stressed. I am excited. I am nervous. I am listening to sappy soundtrack music that makes me cry. I am terrified. GO READ ISAIAH 40. (Especially verses 11 and 31.)

*MIND. BLOWN.*

End of conversation.

So yeah - I guess what I'm trying to say in this caps-lock-emphasized, loooooong, I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-doing post....is that He has got you so much more than you realize. And we're talking about the star-breather, breath-giver, pathway-maker, all-knowing, bigger-than-the-universe, ever-present-ever-loving GOD that has got everything. under. control.

So I'm freaking out. And I don't have any idea what I'm doing. And that is totally, completely, underestimatedly and wonderfully good, because it is in those moments that I have no doubt that God is in control of my life, and that is WAAAAAAYYY better than me being in control of my life.

I'm actually glad that I have no idea what I'm doing. Weird. Awesome.

NOTE TO SELF: seven

one does not conquer a black diamond in reverse

NOTE: i wrote this post LAST winter. so it's old. but it still holds true. enjoy! (also, just fyi, all the photos are from pinterest.) (also, this counts as day 26 of blogtober: share an opinion. this is my opinion on perfectionism. and salvation. bombdiggity.)

okay, so I'm going through a ski obsession. Most of my awesome friends snowboard. But a few ski. While I am not an incredible skier, it is one of my most. favorite. things. to do. EVER.

My mom and I were talking about my perfectionism, which has begun to become just a little bit overwhelming. I told her that I felt like I was trying to ski my way UP a black diamond.
For me, this is a fairly hilarious mental picture. Think about it: I ski without poles. So whenever there is a slight incline which I must scale, I have to do the wide-legged, inverse-snowplow, almost-cross-country-ski (which I hate) motion which is basically me flinging my self forward and hoping I can complete that ridiculous action again before I start to slide backwards.
It's lovely.
By trying to go up a black diamond like this? That would be self-inflicted torture.
So, perfectionism = making myself climb a black diamond.

It can't be done. I cannot be perfect. (Not to bust your bubble, but neither can you.)
So, we're all going to fail. We are all going to make bobbles and slip-ups, and it's going to hurt as bad as my legs do the day after skiing.

Here's the catch: this guy lives on our metaphorical ski hill. And he walks around to the people like me who are trying to get up the black diamond. Or maybe they aren't even past the bunny hill. Maybe they are injured and hanging out at the lodge or the first aid hut. Maybe they are even the people who are at that almost-Olympic-skier level that make you kinda sick, because they go flying down the mountain doing moguls and flips and bleh. Anyway - this guy has lift tickets. Free ones. And he sees people like me, and the injured ones, and the inexperienced ones, and even the awesome ones and he gives us free tickets. We don't have to try and get up the mountain on our own. We just have to stick the ticket on our coat and get in line for the lift. The ticket is unlimited. Every. Single. Day. We are allowed to go skiing as much as we want. The ticket gets us to the top of the mountain every time without fail.

(This is such an awesome ski hill...it should be a thing. Free lift tickets? Heck yeah.)

So, we can't get up the perfection ski hill. But this guy gives us a free lift ticket that allows us to get to the top of the mountain, so that we don't have to be perfect.

I'm just going to say it: Its GRACE. The ticket is grace and salvation and God's love for us. When we think about it like this, it's really kind of easy to grasp. All we have to do is accept the ticket, and then use the lift.

We don't have to be perfect, because we CAN'T be perfect. We will fail and slide down that stupid steep ski slope every time.

Thank goodness for free lift tickets.

DAY 23: do something new. a devotional...kind of.

ok so I was supposed to take a picture of what I thought was true (it was a bible study homework assignment). and the first thing I thought of was a compass. you know, like, a true reading?

So, I grab my compass and my camera and I run outside. (bible study was going to start in 30 minutes. I really am a college student when you consider how proficient I am at procrastinating homework assignments and then completing them right before they're due.)

I put my compass down on the porch so I can take a pic....and the reading is TOTALLY OFF. the needle was pointing due east. what is going on?

I move the compass, thinking maybe the needle isn't level and that's what's throwing off the reading.
the needle moves to north. and then I see the little screw next to where the compass had been. a screw made of metal.

then I started thinking:

WE are the compass needle. we point towards magnetic pulls, which is usually magnetic north, but sometimes that can be offset by other magnetic pulls, like a screw. and screws can be an example for worldly attractions. if we get to close to them, we point towards them instead of north.

and did you know that magnetic north (what a compass points towards) does not point to True North (what the North Star points towards)? so lets just assume that as the compass needle, we get as close to we can to north as we possibly can. HOWEVER, that is not actually an accurate reading on North. The only accurate reading for that is the North Star. and lets just say that the North Star is God. he is North, he is unchanging, he is true.

Sometimes we will think "oh, i'm fine, i'm pointing towards north. other people are way off, pointing towards the world, not towards north, so I'M FINE". but the thing is, is if we keep following our slightly-off reading of magnetic north, we will be MILES off by the time we get to where our destination should be. Our only way to get to NORTH is by saying "ok, so THERE is the North Star, and the general direction of north is the way my needle is pointing, so i'm gonna follow that True north, and make sure that my needle is pointing is the same direction."

our job as Christians is to point towards Him. We need to keep ourselves far enough away from worldy attractions and other magnetic pulls so that we can point towards North, as much as we can.  then, we need to check our magnetic north reading with the True North, the North Star, God, to make sure we're pointing in the right direction.

not to ask the obvious question or anything....but which way are you pointing?

Kisses From Katie (book review #5)

What would cause an eighteen-year-old old senior class president and homecoming queen from Nashville, Tennessee, to disobey and disappoint her parents by forgoing college, break her little brother’s heart, lose all but a handful of her friends (because the rest of them think she has gone off the deep end), and break up with the love of her life, all so she could move to Uganda, where she knew only one person but didn’t know any of the language? A passion to make a difference. Katie Davis left over Christmas break her senior year for a short mission trip to Uganda and her life was turned completely inside out. She found herself so moved, so broken by the people and the children of Uganda that she knew her calling was to return and care for them. Her story is like Mother Teresa’s in that she has given up everything—at such a young age—to care for the less fortunate of this world. Katie, a charismatic and articulate young woman, has gone on to adopt 14 children during her time in Uganda, and she completely trusts God for daily provision for her and her family, which includes children with special needs.

To further her reach into the needs of Ugandans, Katie established Amazima Ministries. The ministry matches orphaned children with sponors worldwide. Each sponsor's $300/year provides schooling, school supplies, three hot meals a day, minor medical care, and spiritual encouragement. Katie expected to have forty children in the program; she had signed up 150 by January 2008; today it sponsors over 400. Another aspect of the ministry is a feeding program created for the displaced Karamojong people—Uganda's poorest citizens. The program feeds lunch to over 1200 children Monday-Friday and sends them home with a plate for food; it also offers basic medical care, Bible study, and general health training.

Katie Davis, now 21, is more than fascinating, she's inspiring, as she has wholeheartedly answered the call to serve. 

GOOD: INSPIRATIONAL TO THE POINT OF TEARS. i kid you not. this was a really incredible book in the genre of testimonies and auto-biographies. this girl dropped everything - i repeat EVERYTHING - for God so that he could move her across the world and have her start a non-profit ministry that would care for +200 kids not to mention an uncountable number of adults. Oh! and in the process she adopted 14 children.
INSPIRATIONAL: YES. GOD THING: DEFINITELY.

BAD: it took me a bit to finish this book. it was a little slow at first. i really like the last half of the book, maybe just because i was more focused and i didn't have other things distracting me? it was a little slow, but totally worth reading.

DIFFICULTY: harder than Ranger's Apprentice, but easier than the worst book you read in school last year. (that's not vague at all. *sigh* just go with it.) (the ONLY problem that i had was that it didn't involve dragons. but i say that about every non-fiction book i read.)

1-10 SCORE: 9. seriously guys, it was that good. GO READ IT.

OVERVIEW: to read a book that tell sthe story of a girl who felt that she wasn't comfortable inteh cultural norm REALLY spoke to me. that she did something about it was INCREDIBLE. and that God worked through her even when she didn't understand what was going on, but then later she was able to look back and see his hand prints over every single moment is TOTALLY COOL to me. i really really really really liked this one, guys.

that's what i got out of it.

10 Things I Learned This Year

So, we passed that time of year again. Graduation. Parties. Friends. Family. Planning, thinking, finishing, doing...starting.
Your life as you know it is ending, and then you realize that your life is just starting, too. What a contradiction.
Watching the 2015 graduating class go through the ceremonies and the parties and everything...it got me thinking. I've only been graduated for a year, but in that year I have learned a gazillion things. I have become aware of things that were there for 18 years, but I didn't notice them until now. I have discovered new depths and dug deep into rich, healthy soil that has been being primed for this post-high-school life. A lot can happen in a year. Everything comes and goes - everything - to the point where somehow your life looks similar (because it's still yours) but the color, the look, the feel - EVERYTHING has changed.

Somewhere along this great timeline of life, someone thought it would be a great idea to have young adults have a complete change in EVERYTHING right smack-dab in the middle of what could be considered a young adult's mid-life-crisis. (Currently, I don't like this person.) But even when everything changes, we keep going.

"...life doesn't stop for anybody." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So, life doesn't stop. Neither do we. We never stop learning, doing, breathing, thinking, living.
And this is what I've learned while I've not stopped in the last year:

1. Family is the most important thing that you will ever have, other than your faith. So, get to know them, if you don't. Lose the attitude - your parents actually do know more than you. Make use of their knowledge. They've lived longer than you. Also, find another model-figure for your life and make use of their knowledge. Usually someone who hasn't lived with you for the last 18 years has a different perspective. Also, family is not limited to blood-relatives. Some of my family members are sunday-school teachers from 3rd grade. Some are co-workers. Some are my mom's clients that I cat-sit for. And then there's my church. (which personally I think can be a little weird, because it's like: assuming everyone in this building has accepted Christ...um, they're all my bro's and sista's....sorry, what was your name? I don't think we've met..." And it's also weird when those people know your name because you're on the worship team, but then you're like "actually I don't recognize you at all....I was probably looking at my music..."). Basically, EMBRACE YOUR FAMILY.
2. You can't change people. You can only change yourself, your reactions, your responsibilities. So, if you don't like something that you can't change, change your reaction. for example: this spring i had an incident with the director of the play that i was providing music for. she felt that i wasn't putting enough effort into the music (when in reality i was putting in as much effort as i could muster). I had to tell her that i was doing that, but in order for me to do any better, i was going to need HER support, and the music director's support too. and then, rather than being really mad at her (because i really wanted to be mad at her) i decided that she was stressed about the play and the deadlines in it, and i was stressed about the same, and the only thing i could do was be nice to her. and you know what? it worked. the more understanding i tried to be, the less angry i felt with her and the easier it was for me to put more effort into the music. 
3. Treat others as you would like to be treated. (And don't be a two-year-old and be mean. Be decent. It will be returned to you.)
4. Make new friends. This one, I think, is critical. Usually, we spend most of the first 18 years of our life surrounded by familiar faces: friends that we grew up with from childhood, family, people from church, etc. I think we have a tendency to harden our abilities to meet new people, thus creating cliques (which, if you have ever been on the outside of a clique, is actually very painful). So when a new face shows up at bible study, introduce yourself. When you see a new family at church, or at a gathering, or WHATEVER, go say hi. (I know: this is coming from the introvert. But I'm not entirely hopeless. I have at least 3 friendships that are new as of the beginning of the year.) WARNING: if you are in a clique and you do this, you might lose your place...just sayin'.
5. Clothing does not wash itself. (I had to put this one in.) I have never been good at doing laundry. I put a load in the washer, and then forget about it for two days. Thankfully, I've been getting better about not leaving it for days at a time, but in the process have developed another habit: waiting to wash the clothes until I have none left to wear. DON'T DO THIS. Because chances are, you'll choose to do laundry on the very day that everyone else in your living quarters chooses to do laundry. And then that results in laundry wars. (*ahem*, underwear helmets and laundry basket shields.....be sure to remove all cameras from premises so as to avoid blackmailing material...)
6. Get a job, and learn how to love it, even when you hate it. Currently, I'm not totally in love with my job, because I'm learning that everyone in the world does not wish for bubblegum, rainbows and unicorns. But, the paycheck makes up for it. And I have awesome hours. So basically it balances itself out.
7. Have fun. Literally. For a couple months after I graduated, it was like I was still in school. Always busy, always doing something. And then things slowed down. This last month or so, even though I'm still really busy, I've been focusing more on doing things I enjoy - like staying up until 2 a.m. reading. Or going for walks with my mom. Or going to a movie with my sister. Or just meeting a friend for coffee. (I LOVE coffee dates.) Or Skyping with people halfway around the world. Slow down a little, enjoy what you do.
8. Be YOU. I know you've heard this before, but I cannot stress it enough. This is your life. More particularly, this is your first year on your own. (Yeah, I know, it's freaky.) So you get do change the things you don't like about yourself, and nourish the parts that you do like. You get to take that clay that your parents have spent 18 years centering and shaping (not details yet, just form) and you get to start saying "I like that, lets add a little detail. I like this, lets put some in here. And...oh GOODNESS we need to get rid of that..." You get to shape yourself, and let God shape you. It's really awesome.
9. Laugh at yourself. No kidding, here. I used to get super stressed out and then the tiniest little thing would set me off and I would either turn into the Hulk, or run sobbing to my room. SERIOUSLY let it go. When you mess up, LAUGH. It makes the situation that much less painful, and everyone else around doesn't get a ruined day.
10. Find something you love about yourself. EXAMPLE: I have great legs. No, really. I LOVE my legs, especially when I work out and they are semi-tan. Also, I love that I'm an introvert. I mean, yeah it can be a little bit of a problem when I have to be around people...but when I DON'T have to be around people its really awesome because then I'm this super low-maintenance person. When you start looking for something you like, you get to know yourself better. It's really interesting, because it basically goes like this: "Lets see....what do I like about myself....OOH! I like that. But what's that? Ugh...gross. I think that needs to go. So, trashcan where are yo- OH MY GOODNESS LOOK AT THIS LOVELINESS where has that been? has it been hidi- have you been hiding all this time? THAT IS SO COOL!!!"

*ahem*
or something like that.
10 things in 1 year. I've probably learned more. I've probably learned more important ones. But I've probably also forgotten them.
These are the ones I remembered. These are the ones that are important to me.
so what did you learn this last year?  what do you remember? what's important now? You should totally tell me about it in the comment section! :D

the updated plan

It's okay.

Don't freak out.

It's not the end of the world....it's just the end of the plan. 

*hysterical screaming and panicking in the background*

Yep. This is your preview of me, in theatres Fall 2015.

Because I have NO PLAN.

AT ALL.

And it's scary.

It's weird, I know, because I have had a plan since before I graduated high school last year. Take some college classes for a year, play piano for the Playhouse, go to work.

Pretty good plan.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any farther than that. So here I am, Summer 2015, with absolutely no sense of direction after these warm months end.

So I spun around in a circle with my eyes closed and pointed to the first spot I decided on, without looking. (I love solving problems like this. They are so simple...)

The plan is....NOT HAVING A PLAN. (I like it: simple, and easy to remember.)

Here's the thing: It's not that I couldn't have a plan. I could easily sign up for college classes, try out for the Pride and Prejudice play, say yes to doing a million little things...

OR.

Just rest. and be creative. and think. and be ME because while I've grown spiritually and mentally these past six months, I haven't really got the chance to explore just how far I've grown.

I can get in shape, and do my photography, and spend time with the people that I really want to spend time with. and work (because as much as I hate my job, I love my job) and do more bible studies (I LOVE bible studies) and just expand within being me with God and myself and other people and my life.

It's okay to not have a plan. Sometimes that's God's way of telling us that we need to slow down. Sometimes we just need a month or six to rest in him and explore a little more of who we have become through this life. Sometimes the reason he's having us do something is because we aren't ready for it, but he is. He wants us to wait in him and learn patience. (Apparently, it's a virtue.) He wants us to discover how to be content when we aren't on the insane heart-stopping spiral of this roller coaster ride that we call life.

It's time to pause. It's time to be okay with not having a plan, and just figure it out as we go.

And it's going to be harder than it looks. But it's also going to be worth it.

flying cats

Once upon a time, a pastor owned a cat. But one day the cat climbed up a tree, and couldn't climb back down. The pastor, feeling bad, did what any responsible cat owner would have done: he attempted to get the cat down from the tree. He pulled down the limb, and just then, a police car went racing by with sirens blaring. The pastor lost concentration, and let go of the limb.
Unfortunately, the cat was still on the limb, and the pastor had pulled the limb down far enough that when he let go, the cat went plummeting through space, screeching.

The pastor searched and searched, but could not find the cat.

A week later, the pastor was visiting one of the older women from his congregation and asked how she was doing. She replied "I'm doing wonderful! I was really struggling for a while. Last week I was standing on my porch praying, and I was asking God 'Why do you have me here? I feel so lonely and abandoned. Please just give me a sign that I'm where you want me to be.' And then out of the sky came this cat! It landed right in my lap, and it's the sweetest thing. Now I'm not so lonely!"

The pastor didn't have the heart to tell the woman that the cat was actually his, so he just said "Wow! God is good!" and finished his visit with the woman.



I heard this story a couple weeks ago and thought it was HILARIOUS, so I thought I'd share it. The point made was that while things might seem really bad or confusing or just plain weird, and we are wondering why things are going the way they are, God will work everything (even flying cats!) out for his glory, his purposes, and his good.