10 favorite songs (right now)

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this list changes. every month. some new song comes on the radio and i'm like OH MY GOSH DO YOU HEAR THIS SONG?????? THIS IS AMAZING!!!!!!

.... *ahem* or something like that....

anyway. here's my faves, not in any particular order, because that DEFINITELY changes day to day. But this list is my go-to music. There's always something on here that gives me chills. in my world, this is good music.

1. Hold Back the River - James Bay. This, my friends, is my hippie song. I regularly belt it out on my way home from work. ...hold back the river, let me look in your eyes, hold back the river so i, can stop for a minute and be by your side, hold back the river, hold back...
   
2. Brother - NeedtoBreathe. I love this song wholeheartedly. It's such a great example of friendship. ...Ramblers in the wilderness we can't find what we need, get a little restless from the searching, get a little worn down in between, like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes, everybody needs someone beside em' shining like a lighthouse from the sea...
   
3. Broken Together - Casting Crowns. (warning: upcoming rant.) I find it interesting that society pressures us to be whole, since society is just about the most broken thing around since the last time I dropped a drinking glass on the kitchen floor. It's this shattered, misshapen, taped-together mess, and yet it pushes us to be perfect. I think this song can be about having to co-exist with other people. Sometimes we just have to  let each other be broken. So, in particular this isn't one of my favorite songs to listen to, but I love it's message. (end of rant.) ...How I wish we could go back to simpler times, before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light, now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines, will we make it through the night?
   
4. Wake Me Up - Avicii. And this is my running away song. (watch the music video...i thought it was cool.) ...Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart, i can't tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start, they tell me I'm too young to understand, they say I'm caught up in a dream, well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes, well that's fine by me...I tried carrying the weight of the world, but I only have two hands, I hope I get the chance to travel the world, and I don't have any plans...
5. Awake My Love - I Am They. Something about this song just clicks with me. Maybe its the beginning, maybe it's the lyrics. but it works. ...I’ve been walking through this life, feeling empty on the inside, just when I thought my hope had died, you were there to bring me back to life...
6. Say You Do - Dierks Bentley. one must have at least one heartbreak song. this one's mine. no touchy....Don't worry about the damage done, just let those words roll off your tongue, even if you're lyin'...well couldn't you, say you do, say you might, for tonight, have a heart, bend the truth, even if you don't, couldn't you...
7. Photograph - Ed Sheeran. This song is the best thing ever. I don't know how to describe it other than that. Just....go listen to it. Maybe you'll understand then. :) ...when I'm away, I will remember how you kissed me, under the lamppost back on sixth street, hearing you whisper through the phone, "wait for me to come home."...
8. Greater - Mercy Me. I cannot sit still to this song. not to mention the great message. he is greater, yeah? ...every day I wrestle with the voices that keep telling me I'm not right, but that's alright...'cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed, when others say I'll never be enough, and greater is the One living inside of me, than he who is living in the world...
   
9. Bad Blood - Taylor Swift. There was a day when i would rather be tortured and murdered in cold blood rather than be caught saying that i liked a TS song. Unfortunately, that day has passed. And this is a really good angry song. so there....did you have to do this, i was thinking that you could be trusted, did you have to ruin what was shining now it's all rusted, did you have to hit me where I'm weak baby I couldn't breathe, I rubbed it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me....
   
10. Crash and Burn - Thomas Rhett. This song makes me laugh. Every time. i just find it funny that he screwed up and then wrote a song about it and the song happens to be a very happy sounding song. it's a bit ironic, yeah? ...I know that it might sound jaded, and I have to say
    I think love is overrated, but I don't like throwing it away,  do you hear that? I'm right back, at the sound of lonely calling, do you hear that? It's where I'm at, it's the sound of teardrops falling down, down, a slamming door and a lesson learned, I let another lover crash and burn...

i have scars

   























i have scars
from wounds from
accidents that never happened.

i have walls
constructed from
demolished dreams
from un-come-true
wishes.

I have fears
of never-happening things
of never-known people
of the person inside me
that hides
behind scars and wounds and walls and things
and hides from accidents, dreams, wishes, people,
and from me.

10 summer foods...a la favori

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I'm a foodie. These are my top ten favorite summer foods.
Okay, enough said.
LET'S EAT.

1. Watermelon. I'm fairly certain I could live off of watermelon.
2. Grilled Chicken. *ahem* My father makes THE. BEST. GRILLED. CHICKEN. EVER.
3. Iced Tea. not sweet iced tea (although I have had that and DANG it's good) but my mother's honey-bush sun tea, loose-leaf and slow-steeped. it's lovely.
4. Tomatoes. particularly the orange tiny ones from the garden.
5. Zucchini. You will hate me for this one. But really, I LOVE zucchini: it's really versatile: very simple and yummy just by itself, but can also be used in other more complex dishes. not to mention we have a ton of it growing out of our garden so we really have to like it.
6. Granola, applesauce, and milk. it's like cereal. I always used to put applesauce in my cereal. And now that we can't have cereal...we use granola.
7. Cheese. Guys - GUYS: Yogurt Cheese. They actually make it out of yogurt. It's softer than regular cheese, and I've tried the garlic-and-herb and the vegetable versions. both are simply amazing.
8. S'mores. (seriously, is it even summer without them?) And these are a feat, because until about a month ago we didn't think we could get s'mores or graham crackers without gluten in them. BUT WE CAN... so, salute to s'mores.
9. Coke Life. because it's soda that lex and I can drink. and BONUS it comes in glass bottles so YAY we get to look cool.
10. PB2. It's peanut butter, but dried, so just add water. it's amazing. enough said. 

Food...what would life be without it? Plus, you know, Jesus liked food too. (John 21:5) I feel justified in my obsession. To learn more about my said obsession, check out my other blog (which is posted on at my leisure...*ahem* as in, whenever i feel like it.) here :D. Now go eat summer food!

the updated plan

It's okay.

Don't freak out.

It's not the end of the world....it's just the end of the plan. 

*hysterical screaming and panicking in the background*

Yep. This is your preview of me, in theatres Fall 2015.

Because I have NO PLAN.

AT ALL.

And it's scary.

It's weird, I know, because I have had a plan since before I graduated high school last year. Take some college classes for a year, play piano for the Playhouse, go to work.

Pretty good plan.

Unfortunately, I didn't get any farther than that. So here I am, Summer 2015, with absolutely no sense of direction after these warm months end.

So I spun around in a circle with my eyes closed and pointed to the first spot I decided on, without looking. (I love solving problems like this. They are so simple...)

The plan is....NOT HAVING A PLAN. (I like it: simple, and easy to remember.)

Here's the thing: It's not that I couldn't have a plan. I could easily sign up for college classes, try out for the Pride and Prejudice play, say yes to doing a million little things...

OR.

Just rest. and be creative. and think. and be ME because while I've grown spiritually and mentally these past six months, I haven't really got the chance to explore just how far I've grown.

I can get in shape, and do my photography, and spend time with the people that I really want to spend time with. and work (because as much as I hate my job, I love my job) and do more bible studies (I LOVE bible studies) and just expand within being me with God and myself and other people and my life.

It's okay to not have a plan. Sometimes that's God's way of telling us that we need to slow down. Sometimes we just need a month or six to rest in him and explore a little more of who we have become through this life. Sometimes the reason he's having us do something is because we aren't ready for it, but he is. He wants us to wait in him and learn patience. (Apparently, it's a virtue.) He wants us to discover how to be content when we aren't on the insane heart-stopping spiral of this roller coaster ride that we call life.

It's time to pause. It's time to be okay with not having a plan, and just figure it out as we go.

And it's going to be harder than it looks. But it's also going to be worth it.

Earth Girl (aka summer reading list #2)

2788. Only the handicapped live on Earth. Eighteen-year-old Jarra is among the one in a thousand people born with an immune system that cannot survive on other planets. Sent to Earth at birth to save her life, she has been abandoned by her parents. She can’t travel to other worlds, but she can watch their vids, and she knows all the jokes they make. She’s an “ape,” a “throwback,” but this is one ape girl who won’t give in.

Jarra makes up a fake military background for herself and joins a class of norms who are on Earth for a year of practical history studies excavating the dangerous ruins of the old cities. She wants to see their faces when they find out they’ve been fooled into thinking an ape girl was a norm. She isn’t expecting to make friends with the enemy, to risk her life to save norms, or to fall in love.

GOOD: there was one main aspect of the book that I loved: the book was set in a utopian future, not a dystopian future. the difference? dystopian means the world ended but the people survived and everything is terrible and the government is possibly bad and controlling. utopian means that the world didn't end, everyone is in agreement on what the government does, and changes have been made to make peace between people and people, people and nature, people and deity. So, in this book, Jarra is stuck on earth becuase her body goes into shock if she does, but other people can leave earth for other planets (outside the Milky Way) which is how everyone lives today: making use of other planets out there. even though she hates it, Jarra has to stay on earth. Really, the conflict isn't between her and an outside force (government or nature) but between her and herself. Jarra has to come to terms with who she is. I liked that.

BAD: it was slow. very slow. I actually took the opportunity to skip ahead oh, 80 pages or so. it didn't really make a difference. i did go back and read the whole thing becuase 1, i was feeling listless and i do pointless things when i feel listless, and 2, i did miss a part of the plotline that WAS THE plotline, so i had to unskip. See, books like that bother me. You shouldn't have to spend 200 pages getting your book set up for the plot line. Your reader should know when they're getting to the big main good part. and you should start your reader IN the conflict, or at least right before it. Earth Girl was lacking in this area.

DIFFICULTY: this one was harder to read. it didn't seem to flow. there were long passages of description that weren't description, just facts thrown together in a jumbled heap. there wasn't much of a plotline...i had to convince myself  finish it.

1-10 SCORE: i'm giving this one a 2. (oh, i'm cruel...) like i said. it just didn't go with me.

OVERVIEW: there were good parts. like when Jarra decides that maybe the norms aren't so bad after all. when she realizes that she's just like them, and that prejudice can be two-sided. when she realizes that she has made friends that are like family, and even though she lied to them they are standing by her. overall though, it was fairly disappointing. it reminded me of my dad's old BB gun (the pellets ROLL out the end of the barrel, and then pathetically drop to the ground.) maybe that's a bit harsh, but that's what i got out of it.

10 things to know before you move anywhere...even just across the hall

so, i'm not MOVING moving, just kind of reaaranging, and my sister is moving from one bedroom to the other...but i've learned a lot about this whole relocation thing. so i thought i'd share. :D

1. get a Dad. or any random strong person will work because BASICALLY they are superman. and they can lift the heavy things. girls, this applies to you more than it applies to guys. because they were blessed with muscles and we were blessed with smaller muscles. so they get to do the heavy lifting...lucky them. ;)

2. get a dolly. not a baby doll. a dolly. like, the thing with wheels that you can put stuff on and it makes it really easy to move.

3. get the handy-dandy MOVING FEET. because those things save spinal columns and back muscles. seriously.

4. get rid of the things that you don't like, don't use, and aren't sentimental. you'll be surprised at how much JUNK you have.

5. if you have the opportunity, redecorate. guaranteed, there is something that you hate about your room. for me, it's wall color. (think cardboard box...yep, that's the shade.) so, repaint, or redecorate, or WHATEVER. make it your space.

6. split the space. i know that if you're like me, having your own room was THE THING in 8th grade. and it's fine to have your own room. but if you are renting your own apartment, and there's an extra bedroom, find someone to rent the space out with you. currently, i'm sharing my apartment (use your imagination with that term) with my sister, and we are splitting the rent cost.

7. don't have, do without. *ahem* as in, don't add to that junk pile you're trying to get rid of.

8. don't expect everything to get worked out in the first 24 hours. it's been a week since we started the "move" and everything is still looking like a mess and lexy and i are mostly living upstairs still. its gonna be a little bit before we get things ironed out.

9. CLEAN. people, how often do you vacuum under your dresser? under your bed? in your closet? do it now, while furniture is being moved. vacuum several times, dust, clean the windows (i don't know about you but i NEVER clean my windows) and get all that gross stuff out of the way before you start moving in. also, just as courtesy to whoever is going into the space you just moved out of, clean that space too. it'll make your landlords happy.

10. take it easy! have fun! i used to get super stressed about moving, or change in general, but its really a lot more fun to laugh and have a good time instead. if something goes wrong, laugh about it! if something goes right, celebrate!

one final note: don't break anything. LOL. (you're totally jinxed now...)

happy moving! :D

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hello, you

hello you
bright eyes
and crinkles around your lips when you smile


hello you
laying there
I can barely see you
beneath the care
the carefulness
that might kill you


hello you
beautiful thing
broken, hurting, dying, beautiful


hello you
brave one
tightly holding my hand
I don't feel brave
holding yours
but your eyes say
I want to stay but I know I won't
and don't be afraid
































































hello you
you left courage behind
can we pick it up?
can we use it ourselves?


hello you
I wonder how long it will last
how long we will have you
how long it will be
before we beg for mercy
not for us but for you


hello you
why do you leave?
why do you get to escape?
why do you wish to stay?
there are better things out there.


hello you
dedicated one
who wishes to grow old with us
you don't have to stay
you don't have to be dedicated to us
do something for yourself
we will try to understand


hello you
writing down your words
in that careful, strong hand
I wonder how much you can hide in that
big big heart

hello you
why do you have to make it so hard
so hard to let go
so hard to let things be
so hard to not get old
so hard to be brave
because you have set the standard
for bravery and courage
and what fear looks like
which isn't you


hello you
you made it the hardest thing
to say goodbye


hello you
I didn't know you
I didn't know what you liked
I just know that you laughed at your kids
and smiled at your husband
and were simply you


hello, you
not much left
to do
or be
or say
except for three things
we have to do
the letting go and moving on
which will take awhile
we have to be
sorry
that you had to go


hello you
i want to say hello you forever
but i can't
i have to say
goodbye you

Legend (summer reading list review #1)

What was once the western United States is now home to the Republic, a nation perpetually at war with its neighbors. Born into an elite family in one of the Republic's wealthiest districts, fifteen-year-old June is a prodigy being groomed for success in the Republic's highest military circles. Born into the slums, fifteen-year-old Day is the country's most wanted criminal. But his motives may not be as malicious as they seem.
From very different worlds, June and Day have no reason to cross paths—until the day June's brother, Metias, is murdered and Day becomes the prime suspect. Caught in the ultimate game of cat and mouse, Day is in a race for his family's survival, while June seeks to avenge Metias's death. But in a shocking turn of events, the two uncover the truth of what has really brought them together, and the sinister lengths their country will go to keep its secrets.

here's what I got out of it:

GOOD: there was some really good unpredictability in here. (me: OH MY GOODNESS DID THAT JUST HAPPEN- that just happened. HOLY DORITOS that was really good...how did they DO that?) also, i found the description of the location quite vivid. you could see the surroundings, you knew what the character was seeing as far as inanimate objects went. also, the characters had incredible potential: two geniuses with super-assassin abilities that grow up in completely different lifestyles. both are trying not to die. oh, and one has an awesome sidekick. 

BAD: i felt like their wasn't enough of a plotline. this book was about a third of the storyline...i ended it going wait...that's it? i thought there would be more...also, as much potential as the characters had, they didn't really use that potential. i still don't have a solid picture in my head of what they look like, which is really confusing. I mean, the reader is told that the main characters are 15 years old, but they act more like 18 or 20. also, while a lot of the book was unpredictable, a lot of it wasn't, too...i found myself going i bet this is going to happen next.  and then five minutes later yep, totally called it.

DIFFICULTY: this only took me 6 hours to read. it was fast-paced and exciting; it wasn't one of those books that you can start reading and then skip forward a little bit and go i think i know how they got there. it was more of a can't miss a word otherwise i might miss something. so, a fast read, but not really a hard read.

1-10 SCORE: at best a 5. I'm so mean. and critical. and picky about the books I like. 

OVERVIEW: i am sad to admit that i was disappointed with Legend. it just didn't spark. 

the predictability ruined it for me. (i like a book that takes me 100% by surprise, not 75%.) and the character development was below par, in my book. (no pun intended.) that bothered me.

it really could have been a great book. there was a good plotline, good character potential, good thought to how the story developed...i just felt like maybe there wasn't enough of it for one book. Maybe if they smacked the entire trilogy into one book, that might do it.

 I mean, its a dystopian novel about government control, running away, two characters that are trying to escape the system...

wait. did i just describe Divergent? or was it Hunger Games...

i wish i could say that this was more than just another dystopian novel, but i can't.

that's what i got out of it. 

i believe in controversy

its one of those difficult uncomfortable things

like being late for dinner

and everyone has started eating without you

the controversy

the mimicry of the argument created by three-year-olds

"i'm right" "no, i'm right"

"no I'M right" "NO, I'M right"

and on and on

and you wish that instead of hatred and opinion

that everyone would just get along.

but if everyone got along, then nothing would ever change
if sickness never happened we would never need a doctor
never need a cure

if nothing ever happened we wouldn't need a savior
we wouldn't need superheroes
we wouldn't need moms and dads to kiss our scrapes and bruises

without controversy the world
would be a rather dull place
even the colors...
think of the colors
without white,
no black
or even grey
without red, no pink
without yellow
no orange
without light hitting water droplets in mid-air
there would be no rainbows
if there was no high tide
there would be no low tide, no picking up seashells and tide-worn pebbles

controversy is messed up
we take it too far
we push it
and say "if you don't let me do this,
you're taking away my rights"
but are we? or are we merely limiting our controversy as we should?

for even wars must end
even peace must end
the night does not last forever
but neither does the light of day
there is a time for everything
even the bad things
and I can't help but think that when the end does come
the bad things will end in the night
and the good in the day
each respectively put out
as fires are extinguished so they don't spread to everything
as diseases are treated
and as weeds are pulled
so that they do not consume the world around them

I believe in controversy.
without it
we would be nothing
but I also believe that controversy must be stopped at some point
because otherwise, it would take over

oh the controversy of controversy.
when will it ever end?
perhaps that is something that shouldn't be controversial
shouldn't be debatable
but rather
we should all agree that
controversy should be used
as needed for the good of all
not for the good of you
a single person
controversy is not opinion.
it is conflict between different life styles when neither will give
controversy is often selfish
when it should be wholesome, used for
furthering society.

I believe in controversy
and that it will solve itself
if we help it along.
but if we don't
it will tear us apart
from the seams
to the structured framework
it will destroy us
from the inside out and the outside in 
and we will be eaten alive by our own selves.
our own neighbors and friends.
controversy, out of control
is merely disguised bullying
and stubborn people
forcing their own world upon people from the opposite lifestyle.

i'm not saying that either side of a controversy is right
i think we need to be adults and love even in our differences
if i turned out to be lesbian, but i didn't tell you until after i gave you a hug, what would your reaction be?
if i turned out to be a democrat, would you wash your hand after i shook it?
if i said i was a christian, or an atheist, or a Buddhist, or agnostic, or just a self-ist (one who is searching for their self) would you avoid my conversation, my eye contact, my wanting to be liked?
would you hate me if i was different than you?
or would you accept and love,
and tell me that you disagreed
but agreed that maybe we need to talk about our differences.
tell me why you are the way you are
what changed you.
and i'll tell you the same about me
and we can agree and disagree and be us
and maybe one of us will realize that the other is wrong
or maybe we are wrong.

i believe in controversy because it separates the adults from the children
who can do this without hurting someone?
who can do this and still walk out with a smile on their face and a productive outcome?
who can be right, wrong, or just generally messed up
and not throw a fit at the outcome?
who can handle this like a rational adult
not a child who isn't getting their way.

i believe in controversy.
i believe in controversy because we have to live with it.
i believe in controversy
like i believe in sleep
like i believe in summer
like i believe in salt.
too much
and it will ruin you.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


now for the photos:
notice the differences
some are light, dark, fuzzy, clear
some are both. most are similar shots of the same thing.
but they are all photos.
they each have a little bit of everything
a little bit of controversy