Monday, June 20, 2016

writing (because i need it) 4.21.16


some days you feel like you have to scream.
and since you're at
________________ *insert public place where you
are expected to behave like an adult*  you can't.

so you scream in other ways.
you wear the crazy dress and the flats.
who cares?

you text your grand total of TWO friends,
and you tell them all your wierdest jokes again
and you laugh hysterically in your head, mostly at yourself
but also...well yes, just at yourself, and you feel a little mad
the losing-your-mind kind of mad
when you do it.

and you use
BIG
EXPRESSIVE
GESTURES
AND ENTIRELY TOO MUCH capslock.

you be wierd.

you mentally scream and you write it out
you sing and dance along to songs in your head
intermittent stops to go "wow that is such a good song"
and you daydream  to get away
and you wonder how far you could get on what's left
of the gas in the tank of your car

you write out the crazy
fill white space with typed black

eat lunch somberly
greet clients quietly
with perfect smile
practiced phrases

still mentally yelling incoherently; still screaming like a banshee
and you wonder how people would react if they had mind readers
and they could watch yours

you wonder what they would say

would they be like:
wow she never stops.

no seriously. make the screaming stop.

or more like
why on earth does she think about this? i thought she was above that.

or maybe
yep, it really is time to put her in a mental institution. 

the good thing is they don't have a reading-your-mind machine yet
and so i'm safe
from everything except my own weirdness
and my mental noise
and there's nothing to stop me
so i keep on going.

i write out the crazy.
it just keeps coming and coming
and i know i sound incredibly calm about the whole
ordeal but
i'm not
its too noisy to be anything but
indifferent.
an adult in a room of three-year-olds on caffeine.
that's what its like.

it will die down, die out,
like cotton from the cottonwoods only come around once a year
the puff balls, snow of the summer, they blow away
eventually.
just not right now.
and probably not tomorrow.

not until i write it out.

i'll go on a binge of taking in:
art and music
poetry
nature
soaking in rays of sunshine
and warm summer breezes and
digging my feet into garden dirt
and then washing them in the muddy water of the pond
and i will end up with brown skin criss-crossed with tan lines and a clear mind

after i write out the crazy.

but not until i have drowned the scream in the sound of everything else
flushing it, taking in, and writing out all of it, good and bad
waiting until it quiets like a babe who needs rock music in the car to silence the wails.
blurring like sharp pictures of summertime
because you can only take the blur
not the sharp because the sharp is too specific.

and you feel like those photos because you know
what the picture looks like behind the blur.
specific. colorful. purposeful.
the prints are there, confident and mocking.
you're the picture, all those. the purpose radiating from you,
like you could lead it into battle and win, every time.
but you can't take it. and neither can anyone else,
so you blur.
you blur the pictures.
you blur yourself.
dulling it like alcohol on the senses,
like the stuff they use to numb your teeth at the dentist
like the 'snow' that used to show up on tv screens when you hit the wrong channel.

write out the crazy, the noise
the screaming.
don't blur it, dull it.
use the pointy end of your pencil, the
click of your fingernails on the keyboard.
use the sharp to dig out the stubborn rocks.
push out the crazy so it don't build up.


(ON A SIDE NOTE: SPEAKING OF INTERNAL DEMONS...CHECK OUT KATE'S POST. IT'S AWESOME. )

17 comments:

  1. I can't feel my hands and my heart is pounding because this is a meteor shower in words. WOW.

    WOW WOW WOW WOW SAMI. you articulated what this feels like. AND I CAN SO SEE *YOU* In this... it is so open and honest and RELATABLE. I feel the solidarity and my head is blown. If the things we all wrote were paintings hanging on walls, this right here? would be the Sistine Chapel.

    "still mentally yelling incoherently; still screaming like a banshee
    and you wonder how people would react if they had mind readers
    and they could watch yours

    you wonder what they would say

    would they be like:
    wow she never stops.

    no seriously. make the screaming stop.

    or more like
    why on earth does she think about this? i thought she was above that.

    or maybe
    yep, it really is time to put her in a mental institution."

    You have no idea how much I needed this. I am there. Thank you for these supernova words; God made your fingertips with stardust.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. GIRL THANK YOU. :) hang in there. :)

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  2. I can relate to this so much. And your waiting is breathtaking, gosh I enjoyed this a lot <3

    Elizabeth
    http://whimsicalthoughtss.blogspot.com/

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  3. I may or may not have tears in my eyes upon finishing this.

    This is simply amazing. So raw and true and real. I have no words.

    More than once, I have wondered what it would be like if someone could read my mind, on one of the bad days. Would they survive?

    "Like the 'snow' that used to show on tv screens when you hit the wrong channel." <---So often, I've tried to describe to people what it's like on a bad day when the noise and thoughts and general darkness just won't leave and I've compared it to white noise. Snow.

    This is so good. Truly breathtaking. Thank you for writing it<3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AH I KNOW. like, i don't even know how I survive bad days.....
      :) THANK YOU.

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  4. Woah, this is beautiful. You are so talented!
    -elissa
    http://letters-to-jayna.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  5. Woah, this is beautiful. You are so talented!
    -elissa
    http://letters-to-jayna.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ahhhhh, this is beautiful and thought provoking and WOW. Thank you for sharing your raw emotions and internal processing with us readers!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thank you! i'm glad you enjoyed it. :)

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  7. You're getting to be such a great writer, Sami! Love this post!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Wow, this is incredible, absolutely unfiltered emotions and thoughts, I truly understand the deep feelings that you have shared Sami, I really like how you express yourself both here and on FB, its so genuine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. thanks nae-nae! :) i'm glad you liked it :)

      Delete
  9. yesyesyesyseyseysyeyseysyesyeys did you just scan the internal workings of my brain. can we be next door neighbors. GAH this is too. much. goodness it hurts.

    ReplyDelete